My Father Says He "needs My Help"....

[kimberley dawn]

Thanks Zipperh :) As I have no idea what a Father is supposed to be like, I'd rather live my days without one. Think a father this late might just freak me out :O_o: But I'm so glad I finally talked back at him, never done that before.

 

[BloomInWinter]

There's a saying in 12 Step Sponsorship that works great when dealing with others...

"Never put more into their recovery than they are putting into their own."

I stopped 'helping' my family in my 20's. The sad reality was they just went onto other people to manipulate.

But no longer was I investing and then being the one taking the huge loss when they didn't hold up their end of the bargain.

I'd at most supply him with a phone number and leave it at that. Can you meet in a public place so you're on neutral territory and can exit as you wish? Can you take a friend? Set your phone timer to buzz 5 minutes after you see him as look at it, then say...."Whoops, I'm going to be late. Gotta go! Bye!" and get out quick?

Escape plans help.

 

[BloomInWinter]

First, important: He's never done me no harm.

((((KimberleyDawn)))))

This is a mental defense employed by adults raised in dysfunctional families to enable us to distance ourselves from the hurt my something called 'minimizing.'

This is also, sadly, a strategy the enablers among us used to minimize their pain and not take responsibility for the actions they took - or the actions they didn't - that were still harmful to us.

It sounds like you were greatly harmed by this sick man. All the times you needed what a loving, healthy father should be providing, you were harmed when he didn't provide.

The safe hugs....reassurances....pep talks and comfort...problem-solving help...happy memories...all these and more that were taken from you by this man's choices were harmful, we're they not?

You truly owe him nothing which you don't feel like giving not because he deserves it, but because you are honoring your own wishes....whatever they are.

 

[kimberley dawn]

(((((Bloom))))))) oh, thanks I needed those words of you this morning. I've never talked back to this guy / father / person, never ever dared to stand up for anything with him.

The safe hugs....reassurances....pep talks and comfort...problem-solving help...happy memories

I have absolutly no idea how, in all the world, he would manage just one of these things. Never ever. Don't think it's a parent-thimg, at least not their generation...... in my family

I so wish for you all in here a day with sunshine from within that can take the hurt away for a bit, - and give you all some strength. bless you in a non-religious manner :)

 

[BloomInWinter]

I thought of you when I read this...

"...utter powerlessness is the correct adult response to someone else's problem. The problem belongs to them. And the minute the rescuer dons his cape and tights and picks up the person and the problem to fly them to safety, that's the minute in which the problem has ceased to be solved. The only way for a person to solve his or her problem is first to own it. Owning it means taking complete responsibility for it. That doesn't mean blaming self or others, it means clearly recognizing these two things:"

"The only time I call it a problem is when it's a problem for me."

"If it's a problem for me, then I have to take responsibility for understanding it and solving it. "

"If instead, someone else picks up the problem to solve it, then the person who needs to own the problem has stopped owning it, ergo, the problem is not being solved. Therefore, what the Rescuer must come to terms with is the simple fact that she is not playing rescuer because she's stronger and more capable of solving another's problem. Rather, she is playing rescuer because that seems to work to eliminate that terrible feeling of utter powerlessness. This feeling was the original feeling from childhood that set the entire Rescuer identity in motion. And until it is recognized as valid and true, the knee jerk reaction will be to attempt rescue."

Source: [DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201105/rescuing-the-rescuer[/DLMURL]

Ever if you do pick up his problem to solve it....his real problem continues.

His stuff is not your problem, and you are powerless to fix it. ...and we always were powerless...I just couldn't deal with the feelings of that, and I still can't. But my family doesn't bother asking me to fix this stuff anymore for them, at least.

You have worth just as you are. No cape needed.