Sufferer Hi All, 3 Years Ptsd From Series Of Bad Events.

[Jon]

Hello my name is Jon, I have PTSD from a legal situation where I was tortured by law enforcement, and a hallucinogen induced assault at school; after I was traumatized, there were a few people that thought I was vulnerable enough to take advantage of. I survived all of it though and im really thankful for that.

I found this forum after a few panic attacks (im at home with the family and that seems to exacerbate it if I dont take care of myself). My anger gets out of control because I was ostracized for all these experiences, so I ended up not feeling like I should share them at all. Im afraid of getting any more insensitivity from the people around me. My panic attacks make me feel like im going to die suddenly and its not easy for people around me to understand for the experience itself is very subjective.

My family has a hard time understanding the issue but they have too much problems of their own to be of too much help. They do what they can, I on the other hand am trying to get a normal life back at 23 with normal supportive relationships that I could rely on. I dont feel entitled to them, but I do feel like im trying too hard to earn them. Im still trying to get myself to get out of my apartment; most people seem to look at me like I am in a good situation, but that is very far from the truth.

PTSD is emotionally exausting without support, but sometimes life deals ya those cards. Id like to make an effort to make it less of a mess by taking advice from people here. I am normally pretty intelligable but if I try to talk about some past experiences I start to stutter and sound crazy like a homeless person would. I only talk about the ones that I can make sense out of. Some people will understand but most others like to take advantage of my sensitivity for self interested reasons.

Im currently at another state to spend time with family for the holidays, but thats usually not a good thing since everything happened there. Im not in a great mood right now lol, but I feel its necessary for me to introduce myself before I start posting in relevant threads. Thanks for listenin.

 

[Anna]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[Muzikluvr]

Welcome to the forum, Jon. :)

My anger gets out of control because I was ostracized for all these experiences, so I ended up not feeling like I should share them at all. Im afraid of getting any more insensitivity from the people around me.

This is very well put, Jon. I felt this a lot in my life. It helps to see it written so well. It's a vicious circle, what you've described here. You fear, so you get angry, so others fear, so they (insert negative here), so you fear more, so you get angry, etc... It's not a matter of capping your anger when you're afraid, IMO, it's a matter of focusing your anger where it belongs and not spilling it on others who appear to be similar to those in your past who betrayed you. So, you fear, you get angry about the past, you remain calm-ish in the present, remove yourself from the situation quickly, find your center, remember where you are, understand that what happened in the past was bad but it isn't happening again. You're getting triggered by the circumstances, or something someone said...

My panic attacks make me feel like im going to die suddenly and its not easy for people around me to understand for the experience itself is very subjective.

I don't understand what is subjective about what happened to you. I read it in your other post. Rape is rape. It doesn't matter that you were doing drugs too. I'm sorry that law enforcement treated you with disdain, that isn't their job. They are not judge and jury. I'm sorry that your family doesn't believe you. But, that doesn't make your experience subjective. The truth is the truth whether people believe it or not. The truth doesn't change because it is denied, or disbelieved. All you have in life is your perspective, it is, mentally, your most valuable possession. Don't confuse your perspective with others.

I am normally pretty intelligable but if I try to talk about some past experiences I start to stutter and sound crazy like a homeless person would. I only talk about the ones that I can make sense out of. Some people will understand but most others like to take advantage of my sensitivity for self interested reasons.

I suggest that you start a trauma diary and begin telling your story there. I think you will find that people are supportive here, and we allow you to tell your story without doubting its veracity. I couldn't tell my story in a way that was believed, after telling it as a child to people who didn't want to believe it. So, I too fell into a stuttering, forgetful mess. I lost track of the story, I dissociated while telling it, I excused myself from finishing it, I dismissed what I'd said as confusion. Write it down. Be believed. Try telling it the way you remember it. This is so difficult. But, write what happened, and write what you believe. I think, for me, the confusion came when I was trying to fit what happened into what I believed; and those were two very different things. I mean, I believed that by loving and caring about me, my family would protect me, but that isn't the case. So, what happened didn't make any sense in that context. Once I doubted that they would protect me... then my experiences made more sense and I was able to figure out what happened.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

I am normally pretty intelligable but if I try to talk about some past experiences I start to stutter and sound crazy like a homeless person would.

Hi Jon,

Welcome to the forum from Bright and me, as well. Bright is my service dog and my shadow wherever I go.

As for your difficulty talking about some of your past experiences, my therapist describes that as your frontal lobe shutting down, which is a typical trauma response. I had always thought my complex language history caused that in me. It may partially cause an additional interference, but it is not the main reason. If she has me relax and do deep breathing (with a much longer exhale than inhale), then I can often communicate more coherently. I find it fascinating how the different symptoms connect to cognition and behavior.

Best of luck on your PTSD journey! It is definitely not an easy walk in the park.

 

[Jon]

I think I was more ready to deal with this issue when I came on the board, but im happy to say that im taking it less seriously (but seriously enough). Normally I hate talking about these experiences because it causes me some emotional stress; but I need an outlet to tolerate that as well for I am not undergoing any therapy or taking any drugs to treat my PTSD.

At the moment I feel alot of guilt about a recent anger outburst I had with my family members involving me grabbing a weapon to protect myself (a normal reaction I tend to overexagerrate for some reason). I didnt hurt anybody, but I do feel incredibly ashamed of it even though my father took the blame for starting the incident post panic attack I had earlier (where I get angry for no reason and cant control it most mornings). Normally I dont have people around me to take my anger out on, which is what I prefer and why I live alone. Everytime I get really angry, im really sorry about it but too ashamed to back down and talk about it because my family doesnt entirely know how to respond to me when I do. Thats getting better tho, we all had dinner with a pastor friend and he arbitrated the situation very well without getting too into details.

I talk about the subjectivity of panic attacks because I remember not taking someone else seriously when I was younger and more ignorant regarding the subject. I figured out how painful and scary it can be, I understand the feeling of wanting to be alone during those times. I never want to be responsible for someone elses panic attack, for people at times seem to cause mine.

I have several journals trying to piece my experiences together tucked away somewhere. I wrote them when I was institutionalized; part of me felt like I needed to copy it down in case I forgot about it. I had another bad experience after the college incident with a friend of mine that took me to a NYC apt to "party" once before I go to court; I was really out of it for I tried to kill myself a week before this invitation and was still huffing pounds of nitrous oxide every day (it was humiliating). The apartment was full of a bunch of independantly wealthy new age folk looking for a cheap thrill by messing with my head (its still fuzzy). I had to run away after I saw a child in there, I took a taxi home somehow. Last thing I remember was the indian cab driver folding his hands to me (out of true pity) as my mom was taking me home.

I had to write about that because I thought I crime was committed and that everyone was trying to use my obvious indisposition against me. People are things at that point, thats how I felt about my self. I had a pretty psychotic breakdown after this, I had to run from me salvation army rehab in brooklyn due to all the hallucinations. I ended up walking home to new jersey in 50 degree weather; just scared out of my mind that I was going to be murdered by one of my head demons.

I had to write about that one too lol

I remember being at an AA meeting and a schitzophrenic member handed me her mini journal one day telling me how important it was. Reading her nonsense, I felt like I related sooo much to her. Thats what all my journals kind of looked like to me.

^ Frontal lobe shutting down is a good explanation as opposed to "icky thoughts getting to me" lol. It literally feels like my brain is broken when I try to talk about my past, I imagine that the memories are sort of dead receptors or something and that I blow a fuse every time I try to think about it. I found that with time I was able to talk about my past more coherently and with sensible chronology, before it was soo jumbled that people found it difficult to believe me (especially my rehab counselors).
I wish I could talk about my past like Morgan Freeman telling a story, people will sure as hell take it seriously enough lol.

Id like to share more but id wanna make it worthwhile before I start a new thread. Thank all of you very much for this warm welcome.