Relationship With Beloved Child Who Condones Abuser

[Nicolette]

I did stand up to my ex but every time I did, he would become more abusive towards my son so my son then hated me and blamed me for his father's abuse.

I have and still will leave if anyone abuses my child. End of story. I choose to end the abuse cycle in my family from my stream. There is always a way out IMHO.

 

[intothelight]

The victim (instead of hating the abuser) will do everything they can to please the abuser. The victim is usually very depressed and blames themselves for the abuse.

I think that a therapist is really the only person who can make recommendations on your situation because they understand the complex psychological dynamics involved.

Gloria,

You have it 100%! That is why counseling is so critical. It is also important that society allow male children who are abused to address it, openly, honestly and without social stigma.

Deb

 

[Gloria]

I have and still will leave if anyone abuses my child. End of story. I choose to end the abuse cycle in my family from my stream. There is always a way out IMHO.

I agree 100% and that is why I divorced his father when my oldest starting to deteriorate and my youngest was 2 years old. I totally agree. I believe that God gave us the priviledge to have children and it is a priviledge and there are women who deny and stay with abusive men (in denial) because they are so dependant on having a man are betraying their children. In truth, I was married too many times and most of the time, it was because the man was not a fit father or abusive.

 

[Gloria]

Great news! Update! I spent hours and hours on Sunday writing the letter to my ex. The first several copies were so caustic and full of four letter words that even when I tried to tone it down and edit it, it still was ugly. So I deleted the document and started fresh. I wrote in the third party to minimize his animosity. I wrote "Child support was not paid" instead of you didn't pay your child support you &%#%. My T said that took a lot of processing. The final result was a list of things that hurt my ex did to hurt my family, then a request that he make amends to my disabled (wheel chair bound) oldest son who is an Army veteran and was traumatized by this man's rejection. My final paragragh just said that the past is the past and I will not interfere with your relationship with my youngest son but I have made it very clear to my youngest son that I have disowned my biological family and confronted all my abusers. Like Annie said, I am just busy, busy, busy cleaning out the dust bunnies from my past!:eek: I do not see that it will ever be possible for me to be in the same room as that man.

I'm reading this book "God never blinks". One of the reasons that I softened to my ex is because of Deb's illness. I remember when my mother died, she and talked before she died and I got some closure. I would hate for my son to never be able to discuss with him all the hurt he has inside him before the ex dies.

My youngest son was the one that would never allow me to tell my ex off or express my hurt and anger toward him because my ex would turn around and deny it and be even more vicious to my son.

When my ex gets the letter (and my son and therapist will read it first), my son will then see how his father reacts and it could open up dialogue and bring closure. If my ex become abusive, my son hasn't talked to him in months (because of recent abuse) so my son will keep in contact at a distance. I did get angry and I'm proud of myself. I am not proud that it actually spilled over to people driving on the street and people on this forum with some unkind and angry remarks but I'm back to my Zen moments and very happy and calm. I will wait two weeks and edit the letter even more to make it a Win/Win situation before I send it. Thanks to my exposure to corporate america, I got to take Covey's week long classes on Seven Habits of Effective People at least three or four times. Two on the habits are "Seek first to understand and then to be understood" and anothe habit is to think "win/win". I wrote down what I wanted as the outcome of our sessions. I wanted to be validated by my son. I didn't want to be verbally abused and I didn't want contact with my ex. My son wanted to feel that he had the right to choose his relationship with his father and not have conflict in his life. I think we came out with a win/win and althought I did rock the boat, in the end turned out very well.

My therapist told me that I was so angry that she didn't think that I could resolve the conflict but we did. I am reading another book Abandonment Survivors and one of the stages that I needed to go through was anger. I finally did it. I got angry!! But I am a dog and horse trainer and losing one's temper is just something that I never did. I watched the dog whisperer because I have to train two of my pups for the show ring. One harsh word can really set you back. There has actually been a rule in my house for the last 30 years - You must use "I" statements and say "I feel hurt/angry/discouraged when you do this. In the future could you not do this?" I learned that at church. Another rule in my house is that if you do lose your temper, you must immediately apologize. I think I laid a good foundation in the house and my sons and I are ten times closer because of this altercation.

I really wish that it could be so easy for other families. But I'm so glad I wrote this thread because I got wonderful insight and I thank everyone who contributed. I also wouldn't mind keeping the thread going so that others (and that would probably be everyone on this forum) might be able to resolve this dilemna of contact with unhealthy relatives in their lives.

Hugs to all!! Thank you so much!!!
Gloria

 

[mamachick]

Sorry dear, my experience is that the anger experience lasts more that a few daysl. It takes about as long out as it took to get in.

 

[ms spock]

Ms. Spock, not all male children that are abused turn out to be sexual predators. It is a huge insult to male victims to imply that they do. It is very common for abused children to act out with other children, not knowing that what they are doing is wrong. For many it is repeating a "game" or showing "love", as that is the lie the perp tells them to get them to be compliant.

Absolutely and I have been regretting my post all last night and today - the generalisations were not right and not fair.

My sincerest apologies,

Of course if he acted out when he was a child and being abused too that is another kettle of fish and I should have enquired much more than I did before I wrote my post. Once again my sincerest apologies.

I would have come on much earlier if circumstances had permitted.

I Hope Don will be okay and can stop the D&A and start healing. His is a truly awful position to be in - and I can't imagine the emotional pain that he is right now nor the emotional pain that I have caused you through your experiences with my post.

My best wishes to you all,
ms spock

The girls are breaking the cycle. Don won't repeat the cycle, but he may not live very long if he doesn't get the help he needs. See my ex may have also be committing murder, as his oldest child suffers the hell of guilt and shame that he should not be suffering. Becoming a sexual predator is not always the outcome of abuse, but sometimes death is. I am only praying that he gets the help he needs before the actions of that MF result in the death of my child.

I really hope that he gets the support and help that he needs intothelight. It must be so hard worrying about whether he is going to make it.

I am sorry about my insensitivity in my post to you.

And thank you for being so very kind and generous in response to me. That is much appreciated.

I hope one day I can make it up to you.

ms spock


Your daughters and son are very lucky to have a mother that loves them.

I have no idea of what that is like but I feel that it is a great thing for them
to have.

You are such a brave woman to stand by through the trial and everything else.

ms spock

 

[Nicolette]

The victim (instead of hating the abuser) will do everything they can to please the abuser. The victim is usually very depressed and blames themselves for the abuse.

Gloria it is this type of content that is in the book I was telling you about as people do that with alcoholics also.

 

[intothelight]

Ms. Spock,

Your apology is accepted. I truly understand that a female victim of sex abuse is terrified of a male sexual predator. My point was to bring to light that sexual abuse happens to both male and females, and they are both victims. I also wanted people to understand that when children act out, many times there is an underlying reason for their acting out, and a lot of times it is due to them being victimized.

Yes, it is critical the cycle be broken. If there is one thing I do in this life, it is to do my best to see the cycle is broken and that my children are healed, so the next generation doesn't suffer the hell these two generations have (myself and my children).

Never be afraid to post what is in your heart and/or mind. This is how we all learn and deepen our understanding of complex and painful experiences. Actually, you were very brave to post what you did and I felt that it was valid and needed to be addressed from another perspective.

Please don't feel guilty, as I think that as this is read, it will open a lot of people's minds and maybe help them to view abuse from a broader perspective.

Deb

 

[anni]

Wow everyone. I've never seen the value of the forum as highlighted in klieg lights and neon as it has been here, in content and reactions across the board. I'm flattened with respect, for real.

 

[Gloria]

Gloria it is this type of content that is in the book I was telling you about as people do that with alcoholics also.

I was abused as a child and have been married more than times than anyone I know to (believe it or not) men who ended up committing murder and were a clone of my father. Insanity is the same thing over and over expecting different results!! However, through therapy, I have not married in 8 years even though some very nice psychos and alcoholics proposed!:p Even though I was in ACOA, reading this book has made me understand that there is this instinct for survival that was ingrained in me at a young age that I will not survive if I do not do what the abuser wants. We live and learn, huh???

Hugs,
Gloria

Your daughters and son are very lucky to have a mother that loves them.

I have no idea of what that is like but I feel that it is a great thing for them
to have.

I have no idea what it would be like to have unconditional love from a parent is either, Ms. Spock. But in ACOA they say that we can learn to be our own loving parent. I say that it's never too late to live the childhood that you should have had!!!! That's why I filled my house with puppies and baby chicks. I am letting my inner child find joy!
Much love and hugs to you Ms. Spock and may you find peace in your journey!
Gloria

Sorry dear, my experience is that the anger experience lasts more that a few daysl. It takes about as long out as it took to get in.

Dear Brat,
I talked about this about with my therapist. Anger is a stage. I've had anger for a long time. I feel that I have this was cleaning up the "dust bunnies" like Annie said and finally letting myself feel all of it.
Hugs,
Gloria

The whole experience has been exhausting. This crisis might have been brought about by my severe pain from a tooth abscess that lowered my tolerance threshhold. But as always, I feel that confronting things is best.

I am spending the next couple weeks enjoying chicks being born and decorating. I have had enough drama for a while.

Hugs,
Gloria

 

[anni]

Keep after those elusive dust bunnies even if on a drama hiatus, Gloria-there can be some under the bed you have to really get the shop vac after, the ones that growl!

 

[Gloria]

Keep after those elusive dust bunnies even if on a drama hiatus, Gloria-there can be some under the bed you have to really get the shop vac after, the ones that growl!

How dare you make me laugh this morning??? I do have a Dyson!!! That machine really rocks!!!:p
Hugs,
Gloria