(warning: Rant) "survivor".

[sea]

I am just really pissed at some of this. I put this in the chit chat thread and basically ranted about a tic I have about the use of a word that bothers me. I didn't expect anybody to agree with me. All of this was clearly outlined in the first post. It was all about my personal feelings and about me, and not about anyone else except me, and the whole thing acknowledged that it is a problem I have with a word. It was then randomly moved to the discussions board (which I didn't see and didn't realize anybody wanted to discuss this).

People talked about it with me so I kept talking and explaining what I meant and then, exactly what I predicted would happen in my first post re: people not understanding me and repeating what I've said, is exactly what happened. Then I got a lecture about how I have to "be aware that everybody feels and thinks differently" and "offended despite my semantics" (which is basically saying "I am offended by what you've said, despite what you've said") and that all of this is "my stuff" like this wasn't just me ranting about my feelings (And when I called this out, because I got offended, I was told "Well, I'm just stating my feelings and how you react is your problem").

I am beyond frustrated. Every time someone argues with me it turns into people telling me stuff I've just said, people spinning what I've said around and then trying to repeat the same stuff, this time from an adversarial point of view, people telling me that they're allowed to have their opinions but that my opinions are offensive, etc even though usually, I've explicitly agreed with what they've said - or they've explicitly agreed with what I've said in the past.

And people make it out like I'm attacking them when I'm ranting about something that irks me that isn't even about a person at all! Just because I'm ranting about a freaking word does not mean that I don't understand that people have the right to think and feel what they want and just because I posted a thread doesn't mean I don't understand that it's something that bothers me. I'm getting the f*cking therapy too, I understand what my "stuff" is, okay? Okay. I posted MY opinions on MY thread in MY rant about MY stuff. None of which ever implied (and in fact EXPLICITLY STATED THE OPPOSITE) that I'm not open to people's individual perspectives.

It's my rant, about my opinions. If people think that my opinions are stupid, WHATEVER! It doesn't mean I'm attacking anyone. Obviously if I were hell-bent on attacking individual people or even whole groups of people I would have reacted long before now to the HOARDS OF DOZENS OF FRIENDS I HAVE WHO USE TERMS LIKE THIS but obviously it doesn't bother me enough to make a big deal out of it EXCEPT TO POST A SINGULAR, STUPID CHIT CHAT THREAD ABOUT A DAMN RANT OF MY OPINIONS.

And now that I've posted how I feel I'm sure that I've somehow got it wrong and I'm not allowed to feel like this. Because whenever I get offended, it's my own f*cking problem.

 

[The Albatross]

Thank you for giving it your voice.

 

[The Albatross]

And now that I've posted how I feel I'm sure that I've somehow got it wrong and I'm not allowed to feel like this. Because whenever I get offended, it's my own f*cking problem.

Nope... not wrong. Your feelings are your own... but "yes" as well to a point. Whenever I get offended it's my own problem or my own choice. CBT and REBT taught me "other acceptance" and to cultivate a higher "frustration tolerance". So yeah... perception is key... if it's a f*cking problem, I look at me first.

 

[sea]

So yeah... perception is key... if it's a f*cking problem, I look at me first.

To me it looks like when people get offended at my feelings, I'm responsible because my feelings are wrong. When I get offended at other people's words regarding my feelings, I'm responsible because my feelings are wrong. I'm no longer interested in taking responsibility for other people's perceptions of my opinions, nor interested in receiving lectures about "affording people their own opinions" when people do the exact opposite for me because somehow my feelings are "not fair".

Which is why I spend a lot of my time actively saying things to the effect that my thoughts and feelings are wrong. Which people then argue with me about, because "my perception must be off." It's not off. People just can't make up their minds. I am just in too bad a place right now to even be posting anywhere in public. Posting this thread was a bad judgment call.

I'm not in a good enough place to judge any action on my part anyway. I should have just opted not to act in any way but I am stupid and I did anyway. So I'm inevitably going to piss people off and then no one will like me anymore because how I really feel is not very reasonable or nice. I don't understand how to communicate properly anyway and I can't be tactful or diplomatic.

Simplekindofgirl and Albatross basically posted responses that state exactly what I was trying to get across, and yet, only I was considered offensive, because I wasn't diplomatic about it like they were. So you see the differences in communication. I'm just not good at being nice and polite. So I'm sorry for the thread. It's run its course and I'm sufficiently embarrassed.

 

[The Albatross]

That is your initial "gut" reaction. But what does your rational mind say? We are all self actualizing bubbles... like a glass of champaign or soda... tring to "rise". If you think of the glass that contains the fluid, as the world. And you consider that each bubble is an individual... and that each individual is self actualizing by rising to transcend trauma, grief, adversity, sadness, depression, anxiety, etc... that sort of levels the playing field doesn't it?

You don't need to be sorry, or embarrassed about the thread. It is an open exchange only... if you pick apart the language nuances... you can see the intent is generally good. Don't confuse your own inner critic with people "judging" you. Distinguish the feeling from the reality of the intent. People shared with you. People responded to you. People spoke their "truth" to you... people trusted you. It can be frustrating, it can be uncomfortable, it is okay to feel those things. It is not only "okay" to feel those things, it is pretty much expected on a day to day basis when we interact on any level with other people. When you can... pick it apart, disect it... examine it... see it for what it really is, and acknowledge that on their own, people chose to interact, exchange ideas, and discuss with you.

 

[The Albatross]

You originated the thread.. therefore responses were directed to you primarily... that is all. It doesn't make you "wrong". When people used "offended" they were being descriptive of the idea, not you as a person. I can say most anything that comes to mind, and one third will not like it, one third won't care one way or another, and one third will perhaps agree. Accepting percentages can be very liberating.

 

[sea]

If it's okay for me to feel these things, why do people argue with me and lecture me about how I feel. Why am I given a lecture on how "this is all my stuff, don't put it on them, they're just saying how they feel, my feelings aren't fair, everybody feels and thinks differently"? That's what I was told when I expressed I was offended the first time. So if it's so okay for me to be offended, why is everyone else's offense at my opinions justified, but my offense at their statements /toward me/ (and not my opinions) is not justified?

My rational mind says that I take the time to pick apart and dissect everything people tell me, but that people consistently take about 2 seconds to read the first 2 lines of what I have to say and immediately jump to the conclusion that I'm wrong and then start a fight with me, in which they express their "argument" that turns out to just be an adversarial version of my initial statement, which they didn't take the time to process and read in the first place.

And this isn't just me whining, I said this before anybody even responded. Because it has been a pattern long before this thread. I feel like this is not fair. I do all of this work every day when I'm interacting with people and I take a f*cking hell of a lot of the blame that isn't even mine to begin with. It's not fair that I post an opinion I have and then people accuse me of not being open minded and not accepting anything anyone else says (despite my explicit agreement with their words previously, it's hard to ignore, considering it's right up there "I agree with/I understand/I accept/That Makes Sense" it's right there), while basically ignoring everything I just said.

I don't understand. I'll never understand. I don't think I'm smart enough to figure it out. I'm too miserably damaged socially. I should never have posted my opinions. People never take the time to read what I write and think "Gee, this is just his opinion and his feelings, and he seems to be accepting when people disagree with his opinions, but seems to get a little testy when people say his opinions and feelings are wrong." How come I must be expected to do this but no one else is expected to do this for me? Why is that?

I can't have an opinion and that nobody has to agree with it but that doesn't make it unfair or unjust, and that I'm not actively insulting anyone or attacking anyone or hurting anyone with my opinions so there is no real reason to make a big deal out of it?

When people didn't understand me, I just repeated myself over and over again until they did, that's fine, and if they still didn't, that's fine, and if people disagreed, that's fine, but I don't need to be "reminded" about this stuff nor have someone come in a thread where I Am Posting About My Stuff and tell me "Yeah well this is just your stuff and everybody thinks and feels differently and you're not fair" like, somehow, I'm implying that this is everybody else's problem and nobody is allowed to think differently to me.

This isn't even about the original topic anymore. It's just me flinging dumb crap everywhere. I don't want to piss anyone off even more so... IDK. Sorry for arguing. It doesn't matter honestly. It wasn't even that big of a deal. But that is why I reacted the way I did because I don't understand the f*cking discrepancies. I don't understand it. And it's like, not just in this thread, it's like, pretty much at any point when people don't agree with me, this is the reason why they don't, this is the reason why people fight with me, and I'm PROBABLY WRONG SOMEHOW because the problem follows me EVERYWHERE but nobody can give me an adequate explanation beyond "Well, just figure it out."

Well I can't figure it out. So I'm sorry that I just can't seem to communicate well at all in any capacity, I'm sorry for the obnoxious thread, I'm sorry for arguing, I'm sorry for being offended, I'm sorry for not making any sense, I'm sorry I made a big deal out of stupid crap that nobody can probably even understand why I feel the way I do, because it must sound so ridiculously petty, I'm sorry. I'm having a bad f*cking month. I shouldn't have posted. I'm sorry if I made people feel bad, I'm sorry if I offended people.

I'm sorry if people think I'm being irrational and ridiculous, I'm sorry. I don't actively think people are purposefully trying to make me feel bad. I just feel like there is a giant discrepancy that nobody cares to explain and my whole life people have just wanted me to get over it and now I am talking about it in an unrelated, stupid thread, prompted by one or two words that someone said who doesn't even deserve to have me vent all over them anyway. So sorry. It's all my crap and I just don't understand it, and I don't know how to understand it.

 

[The Albatross]

I'm sorry I pressed it Sea. Not my intent. I wish I could explain better. Sometimes, I don't know when to quit. My fault, and my apologies.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Not to mention, our perceptions, ideals, and emotions can vary from circumstance to circumstance, moment to moment.

I see why you started the rant. You made a comment to someone that they are a victim, and they offered you an emotional response. That is their perception of what the word means. To that person, the word victim takes on a definition that is based on their own perception as to how (they feel that) it applies to them. Other people will not take this word and perceive it to mean anything but what it is. A point blank statement of truth by literal definition.

I believe that Meadowsweet brought up the subject or stigma which has been of much discussion as of recent. Maybe the stigma behind the word victim is in part what causes the emotional reaction. The stigma of being a victim- in the sense of the present tense- victimization that is occurring. Or that somehow, because of media and misc. feeds that have made it appear that being a victim is a choice- 'she knows that if she goes back he will beat her, but still she goes back' kind of thing- this misunderstanding, of what it means to be a victim, based on perception through stigma.

A person who has an emotional response to this has a right to that feeling, while it does not make you wrong. It is not your fault if someone else is too sensitive (or, whatever- they simply see it differently) to look at it differently. But it may be that you caught them in that moment in which they can not look at it with anything but an emotional response.

Try as I may to deny that I am a victim, I can call myself a survivor, and endurer, a sufferer, hell I can call myself an elephant if I really want to, but at the end of the day I was victimized, and I am a victim. I am ok with that.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sea, FWIW, I agree with your OP. Admittedly I skipped over the rest of the argumentative posts that disagreed with you.

I never saw myself as a victim, so I don't see myself as a survivor, and don't have the goal of being a thriver. (IMHO the whole victim to survivor to thriver thing is hokey!!) just live, dammit, who the hell cares what your "label" is!!

And if you want to get into the semantics of it all, if you can't be a victim AND a survivor, then all victims are DEAD as we ALL "survived" our respective traumas in that we're all still living.

And the next person IRL who tells me to stop acting like a victim is going to be punched. (I don't have a woe is me attitude, and it's been 7+ years since this has been said to me, but nonetheless it's a hot point!) WHY? Because telling someone to not act like a victim is a RE-victimization. It's telling us that there's something wrong with us for not being unaffected after being raped, abused, attacked, etc etc etc.

Ok, enough rambling on tangent...

 

[Srain]

This is an open Discussion Forum.

Everyone on this forum is dealing with trying to be heard, myself included. It's difficult to stand up for what we believe in and so to feel like we can't do that is probably one of the hardest things to deal with it.

It's THE hardest thing I'm dealing with.

 

[freakofnurture]

Just because I'm ranting about a freaking word does not mean that I don't understand that people have the right to think and feel what they want (...)

My husband acts like that when I'm ranting about certain subjects. It's the most annoying thing in the world. It's like, just because you're angry, all your intelligence and ability to differenciate can suddenly be called into question. "Oh, you're angry, must be that you've become stupid, too, because if you were smart, you wouldn't be so angry about this thing." Kill it with fire. Srsly -.-

EDIT:

I don't understand. I'll never understand. I don't think I'm smart enough to figure it out. I'm too miserably damaged socially. I should never have posted my opinions.

That's exactly how I feel often after having had social interactions. It's so frustrating when you're giving it your best to try and be understood, but it all just zips past people, they don't even seem to hear it; and if they hear it, they don't get it or simplify it to a degree that it feels like satire when they offer advice. Life is a Monty Python sketch.