What Is Sex For?

[EloiseLandau]

I think of sex as a way to welcome someone I love and trust into my personal space at a very vulnerable level.
I am very guarded about my personal space, and who I would have sex with. I have been assaulted, and I have had relationships where I found the guy liked using sex to hurt people (physically and otherwise), I have felt horribly betrayed when I found one guy getting off on the idea of my assault...and even went so far as to start talking about re-creating it as his fantasy... so I am so so so so so careful.

This in opposition to the SO, who hold such a different philosophy because he told me he didn't care if I chose to sleep with other guys, as long as I told him first, used protection, and didn't end up falling in love with them and leaving him.
For him, sex is fun. He can have it with friends, he can have one night stands, he can have it on a box with a fox eating green eggs and ham.
But he has never has the same experience I have, so he developed an entirely different way of looking at things. The only thing he's afraid of is if I fall for someone emotionally and leave him....but for him sex is not a problem.

It took a long time to come to a mutual understanding. And because he says he loves me, he stopped having sex with friends or acquaintances. He said he wants me, and not just sexually.

 

[intothelight]

Sex for me is a function, it is intimacy that I want. When the intimacy is there emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.....the physical intimacy is a natural step in a fulfilling relationship. When one piece is missing or broken, it is not intimacy, it is just sex.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Um, just as an aside, no, I don't sleep with other guys, either

 

[angel2write]

I like sex, so this may not be the viewpoint you're looking for...

No- that's what I need. An understanding of what a healthy sexual relationship is supposed to look like. And feel like.

I suppose I have reached the beginning of wisdom in this area, since I am finally realizing exactly how little I really know or understand!

 

[angel2write]

Thanks to Anni and Helliepig for the reminders about attraction. I had forgotten that was part of it. Also the idea of "bonding." That's a nice image. I never thought of sex being "bonding" between partners.

I am still attracted to my husband. I want to hold and touch him. But if we try to go beyond that, it's like my instincts are confused. I used to manage this area pretty well by disassociating and imagining someone (or multiple people) beating and raping me. :oops: What with all this crazy therapy and stuff :rolleyes: I am beginning to realize this is not a good thing.

And, increasingly, it makes me feel like garbage afterwards. I have nightmares, too. And feel depressed.

But... what to do instead? If I try to stay mentally present and focus on the fact that I'm with my husband, it's like slamming into a brick wall. This is the guy who does my DISHES. Who listens to me talk. Who holds me when I cry. And I'm supposed to do that with him? It just seems wrong. I love him. Why would I have sex with him? :confused:

In one of the odd twists of human psychology, if I do start to enjoy something with him, I feel like I'm raping him. Which I know I'm totally not... but I can't seem to convince my brain of that. I think I'm somehow convinced that if sex is happening, someone is getting raped. And if it's not me, it must be him. :( I don't want it to be him. I love him.

I'm sorry if this is all too much information. But I really appreciate your responses. I've never really had anybody to talk to about this stuff.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Um, maybe this is TMI, and delete it if this is, but I remember one woman who was really really nervous about sex with her boyfriend, even though he never pressured her (he does dishes, too). So they decided to take it nice and easy, and just lay together, or sit up and snuggle against each other, sometimes with their clothes on, sometimes off, and just... nicely touch each other and themselves. And as their comfort level grew over a period of several weeks, she decided she was ready to try.

They didn't dive in both feet, they worked through the layers of their comfort and expectations and wants, and things they were uncomfortable with (their boundries) and when the time came they were both of them ready, that's when it happened. Until then, it was touching, talking, uh...self touching, find out what they themselves liked as well as what the other person did.

The woman I knew was a victim of her brother, so she had her own baggage.

I don't know if this helps....

 

[BloomInWinter]

This thread is hard for me to read, much less participate in.

I told my T. that I knew I'd never be healed in this part of my life, and that I didn't want to bother trying because honestly there's just too much garbage in my head from all the f'ed up things that happened. He doesn't accept that. :(

Sex is linked with pain, fear, and violence and those associations in my head are so strong I can't see ever being able to enjoy it as a fun, healthy, bonding activity of release and vulnerability.

Ok, I'm going to have to go throw up now. *tears*

 

[EloiseLandau]

Oh BloomInWinter... :cry:

 

[Helliepig]

I told my T. that I knew I'd never be healed in this part of my life, and that I didn't want to bother trying because honestly there's just too much garbage in my head from all the f'ed up things that happened.

I'm sorry it makes you feel so dreadful, the whole subject of sex, but you still have the courage to come near it on this thread which to me shows that you want to get there and that you're prepared to go near those awful feelings it creates for you, even if its a small step....every journey of a 1000 miles starts with a small step. And I wanted to let you know you aren't alone, this thread has stirred up a lot for me too, I have big "can't go there" with relationships, men, being acceptable or desirable - things that just stop me dead in my tracks. Sometimes I feel hopeless that I'll ever get there too....

 

[Helliepig]

because he told me he didn't care if I chose to sleep with other guys, as long as I told him first, used protection, and didn't end up falling in love with them and leaving him.
For him, sex is fun. He can have it with friends, he can have one night stands, he can have it on a box with a fox eating green eggs and ham.

wow, this really struck me. I can't imagine being able to cope with that, it leaves me feeling insecure and confused just reading it! I really admire you for being able to come to an understanding about your different philosophies because at the end of the day a relationship is about people choosing to be together rather than being strapped together.... I do wonder tho (and I'm very uncertain and confused about these sort of things) about whether part of trust/intimacy - especially for traumatised people - is about security, and monogamy being an important part of that? Perhaps that just reflects how desperately scared of trust and relationships I am....

 

[EloiseLandau]

I'm not saying you see it that way, but some people, Helliepig, seem to think polyamoury and swinging is just about going out and having sex. (And yes, admittedly, for some, it is....and I don't mess with those people.) When the potential for physical intimacy comes up, everyone involved needs to discuss what they want, like, and require. They have to state their boundaries for themselves and what they are and aren't comfortable with their partner doing. Issues about security and respect have to be dealt with, and the only way to do that is being open and honest, and your partner or partners being open and honest, and everyone listening to the other, and no one pushing to make anyone else do what they want, because that is disrespectful.

And when I say everyone involved needs to discuss, that includes people who don't have casual sex, but have an emotional connection to one of the participants. Even if someone isn't present, their wishes need to be respected.

The same thing one should do in monogamy, really, but with more people.

A very bad mishap left me retraumatized a year ago, and the guy I'm with quit having sex with other people because the relationship between us was more important than his desire to have sexual fun.

Perhaps it is the display of loyalty, that is a factor in helping me feel what I do about my relationship.

 

[angel2write]

Um, maybe this is TMI, and delete it if this is, but I remember one woman who was really really nervous about sex with her boyfriend, even though he never pressured her (he does dishes, too). So they decided to take it nice and easy, and just lay together, or sit up and snuggle against each other...

Wow- just reading this kind of freaked me out. I guess I have a long way to go still. But as Hellie said, at least we're talking about it. Thinking about it.

That has to be better than ignoring the hell out of it and hoping it goes away. ;)