BloomInWinter
VIP Member
I can't even show simple affection. That's such a struggle just to look in his eyes and smile.
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What Is Sex For?
- Post starter angel2write
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((((Angel2write))))
Wow this is a difficult complex subject! Obviously on this forum you would expect such a variety of answers to your questions regarding sex. My heart goes out to you for your pain and confusion.
It took me years before I was able to let go and feel intimacy with a man. At that time love was part of the equation. Before then sex made me freak out and freeze up as it terrified me, because of years of sexual abuse as a child and adult. But I have lived the flip side of the coin, where the intimacy, touching and sex was withheld for many years. Neither are good, both are unbalanced.
I yearn for love and intimacy in my life, although I've had it given and taken away. It leaves a big hole in your heart and deep seated trust issues. My last H did this to me and over time the intimacy became non existent and the relationship broke down.
We all react differently to the traumas in our lives, you have separated intimacy and sex as a way of handling it because of the past. If circumstances were different, one would go with the other. I really hope that you reach a point where you are able to feel this way. I am glad that you have a caring loving partner that understands and respects your wishes.
Wow this is a difficult complex subject! Obviously on this forum you would expect such a variety of answers to your questions regarding sex. My heart goes out to you for your pain and confusion.
It took me years before I was able to let go and feel intimacy with a man. At that time love was part of the equation. Before then sex made me freak out and freeze up as it terrified me, because of years of sexual abuse as a child and adult. But I have lived the flip side of the coin, where the intimacy, touching and sex was withheld for many years. Neither are good, both are unbalanced.
I yearn for love and intimacy in my life, although I've had it given and taken away. It leaves a big hole in your heart and deep seated trust issues. My last H did this to me and over time the intimacy became non existent and the relationship broke down.
We all react differently to the traumas in our lives, you have separated intimacy and sex as a way of handling it because of the past. If circumstances were different, one would go with the other. I really hope that you reach a point where you are able to feel this way. I am glad that you have a caring loving partner that understands and respects your wishes.
EloiseLandau
Gold Member
I'm very sorry if I made anyone feel really uncomfortable. This is a pretty hard topic to talk about in general, and being alt lifestyle almost certainly removes it one step from the expected norm.
I would like to make a statement that has worked for me personally, that I believe no matter what, some things in my relationships should be universal: love has to be there. Understanding must be a factor, and respect for one's partner. Personal boundaries must be respected. The person who is the least bit comfortable has the power of veto; if someone says "no," all activity must respectfully cease. Everyone must be safe, no one must feel pressured.
But that said, I'm just sorry anyone was made uncomfortable by my previous posts.
I would like to make a statement that has worked for me personally, that I believe no matter what, some things in my relationships should be universal: love has to be there. Understanding must be a factor, and respect for one's partner. Personal boundaries must be respected. The person who is the least bit comfortable has the power of veto; if someone says "no," all activity must respectfully cease. Everyone must be safe, no one must feel pressured.
But that said, I'm just sorry anyone was made uncomfortable by my previous posts.
Reading threads like this tends to leave me scrambling to catch up on an intellectual level, quite honestly. Even having been raped, this left me with a further trauma associated with being uncomfortable with men in general one on one and added to allllll the other fruitloop elements which follow me around day to day associated with stalking, abuse and the swine poisoning me. It'd been during court ordered visitation, by the ex, not a stranger in an alley or as a child. Yes- awful but still- this was MY experience and I don't much care what I'm SUPPOSED to feel. I also do not have anyone to discuss this stuff with, I'm quite frankly tired of being told how traumatized I'm supposed to be when it feels worse to have been poisoned. I HAD a healthy self-image and sexual identiy pre-trauma, the rape did not affect that so much as was one more time he tried to kill me, or the court system betrayed me, bottom line. I see 99% of sexual victims here and it's pretty much why I rarely mention the rape-not out of shame. I'm not minimizing it, either- it's just a friggin relief to be able to say what it FEELS like, to other women. No one believes me and I'm so incredibly tired of saying all this.
Once I've gotten past being comfortable with a man one on one, it's the whole attraction thing. It just is. If I didn't love him I'm not sure this would be possible, being attracted in the first place but it's all terribly basic for me. That's why it's a tad intimidating to follow all this, with this thread, kind of scrambling to insert my brain and intellectualize something which my hormones seem to have taken care of for me all my life. Yes, it's possible it's kind of a two-fer here, where I do not have the deep sexual trauma to surmount plus am not a naturally deep person. Angel's question is why do people have sex, and truly never thought about that before. Gosh- at the end of racking my brains ( brain, singular with this, as it transpires ) my hubby has an awfully cute butt and other attributes, if I look at them long enough we end up seeing copious amounts of each other.
Once I've gotten past being comfortable with a man one on one, it's the whole attraction thing. It just is. If I didn't love him I'm not sure this would be possible, being attracted in the first place but it's all terribly basic for me. That's why it's a tad intimidating to follow all this, with this thread, kind of scrambling to insert my brain and intellectualize something which my hormones seem to have taken care of for me all my life. Yes, it's possible it's kind of a two-fer here, where I do not have the deep sexual trauma to surmount plus am not a naturally deep person. Angel's question is why do people have sex, and truly never thought about that before. Gosh- at the end of racking my brains ( brain, singular with this, as it transpires ) my hubby has an awfully cute butt and other attributes, if I look at them long enough we end up seeing copious amounts of each other.
Eloise, I wasnt uncomfortable at reading your post. I am familair with polyamoury as a life style, some of my dearest friends are engaged in such romantic relationships.
Altough it is not for me, not out of judgemental reasons, but just out of a lack of energy and becuase of my preference for monogamy, I see no harm in a lifestyle/romantic relationship like that.
What strikes me the most by my friends abbility to engage in polyamoury, is that they really enjoy sex, friendship and intimacy, in its purest form, not out of some form of opportunism, but just because they love to love. Most of the relationships that I know who engage the poly lifestyle, is that there is a huge amount of respect for the boundaries of the other partners, and the relationships are very real, warm and there is lots and lots of healty communication between the partners. Much more than I've seen in monogamous relationships. Most of the people I know whom are involved in polyrelationships are very idealistic and embrace a sort of sixty's vibe when it comes to love. They are very consious about their romantic feelings.
I am quitte enviuos of that abbility.
Sex for me seems so far away at this moment. I cannot image to have sex with someone in the near future. It is hard to beleive that I have engaged in sexual activities in the past.
It feels like that part of me is dead, or vast asleep.
I dont feel atracctive, nor atraccted to anyone. I dont feel sexual desires at the moment. It just seems like a lot of hassle right now. So meaningless and empty, altough I know that it is not meaningless or empty.
Pfieww, difficult subject.
Altough it is not for me, not out of judgemental reasons, but just out of a lack of energy and becuase of my preference for monogamy, I see no harm in a lifestyle/romantic relationship like that.
What strikes me the most by my friends abbility to engage in polyamoury, is that they really enjoy sex, friendship and intimacy, in its purest form, not out of some form of opportunism, but just because they love to love. Most of the relationships that I know who engage the poly lifestyle, is that there is a huge amount of respect for the boundaries of the other partners, and the relationships are very real, warm and there is lots and lots of healty communication between the partners. Much more than I've seen in monogamous relationships. Most of the people I know whom are involved in polyrelationships are very idealistic and embrace a sort of sixty's vibe when it comes to love. They are very consious about their romantic feelings.
I am quitte enviuos of that abbility.
Sex for me seems so far away at this moment. I cannot image to have sex with someone in the near future. It is hard to beleive that I have engaged in sexual activities in the past.
It feels like that part of me is dead, or vast asleep.
I dont feel atracctive, nor atraccted to anyone. I dont feel sexual desires at the moment. It just seems like a lot of hassle right now. So meaningless and empty, altough I know that it is not meaningless or empty.
Pfieww, difficult subject.
Meadowsweet
Diamond Member
I can't imagine being fully present sexually. Is that what people really do?
I think fantasies express your feelings about sex. And obviously, when the fantasy is expressing all the negatve feelings, afterwards you feel like you've been through it again.
But I think fantasies can be positive too. I've been single for years, but I do still feel.
If I imagine sex, I imagine it with another woman as well as a male presence. I'm not bisexual, but if I imagine being alone with a man, I can't control the intrusive images of bad stuff. In this scenario, I feel safe anmd the female presence outnumbers the male.
I'm sure a therapist would have something to say about it, but I can do that and not feel dirty.
Thankyou for sharing so openly on this thread.
EloiseLandau
Gold Member
Thank you Sterre.
I, too, am glad there's a place we can express our thoughts about difficult things
I, too, am glad there's a place we can express our thoughts about difficult things
.........
I hear what you say Sterre, and I envy those people their warmth and confidence too. Not sure it would be for me because I can't go there with one person let alone more than one - the idea of having the choice to have a lifestyle like that seems beyond me. (I also have ideas about why monogamy is important, but that's not to say I'm remotely judgemental about people who can cope and who don't need it)
I'm so with you on that one too. I can't imagine one, let alone more than one, person really wanting me and being prepared to respect my boundaries... I feel weird when I think about the times I had confident sexual relationships and feel like it was a different life, a different me, a me that has died and that cannot be resurrected.
I know this journey is individual and slow, but it's hard when you think you're making progress and then you look at how functional some people are in life and you compare yourself to them ....
I hear what you say Sterre, and I envy those people their warmth and confidence too. Not sure it would be for me because I can't go there with one person let alone more than one - the idea of having the choice to have a lifestyle like that seems beyond me. (I also have ideas about why monogamy is important, but that's not to say I'm remotely judgemental about people who can cope and who don't need it)
I'm so with you on that one too. I can't imagine one, let alone more than one, person really wanting me and being prepared to respect my boundaries... I feel weird when I think about the times I had confident sexual relationships and feel like it was a different life, a different me, a me that has died and that cannot be resurrected.
I know this journey is individual and slow, but it's hard when you think you're making progress and then you look at how functional some people are in life and you compare yourself to them ....
Relationships and sex are so complicated. Or at least that what they look like to me for now. If I would have a SO right now, and my sexdrive would be as it is now ( as it has been now for over a year), than I would give my SO permission to sleep with someone else I think. (theoreticly)
I coud only handle it if there would be loads of open communication about it, and if I get to know the other person.
I think it all depends on how much you validate each other in the relationship and how solid the love bond is, if you would feel secure enough about it, it must be possible to overcome the jealousy ( or to accept and communicate about the feelings of jealousy and insecurity it may raise).
For some people love and sex are just not so loaded with feelings of insecurity, shame or other complicated feelings, as it is for the most of us.
The reason I need monogamy has purely to do with my trust issues and my selfesteem issues. Coping with one relationship is more than enough for me ( to much for me now), and I would not handle second relationships very well. It would just become far to messy.
But I am well aware of the fact that not everybody has those issues like I have, and there is a whole generation who think mono relationships are highly overrated and not very realistic. ( wich I can understand very well)
But to me a relationship with sex and intimacy looks very unreal too at this moment. I have been alone now for quitte a while, and I dont see it changing in the near future.
For now I have a rather clinical view on sex, I think about the smell ( yuk) and the bodily fluids ( yuk) and all the energy you have to put in it while doing it( pfieww), and all the other feelings that it will raise....the insecurety, the selfdoubt, the vulnarability,..... no definatly not up for it now.
I coud only handle it if there would be loads of open communication about it, and if I get to know the other person.
I think it all depends on how much you validate each other in the relationship and how solid the love bond is, if you would feel secure enough about it, it must be possible to overcome the jealousy ( or to accept and communicate about the feelings of jealousy and insecurity it may raise).
For some people love and sex are just not so loaded with feelings of insecurity, shame or other complicated feelings, as it is for the most of us.
The reason I need monogamy has purely to do with my trust issues and my selfesteem issues. Coping with one relationship is more than enough for me ( to much for me now), and I would not handle second relationships very well. It would just become far to messy.
But I am well aware of the fact that not everybody has those issues like I have, and there is a whole generation who think mono relationships are highly overrated and not very realistic. ( wich I can understand very well)
But to me a relationship with sex and intimacy looks very unreal too at this moment. I have been alone now for quitte a while, and I dont see it changing in the near future.
For now I have a rather clinical view on sex, I think about the smell ( yuk) and the bodily fluids ( yuk) and all the energy you have to put in it while doing it( pfieww), and all the other feelings that it will raise....the insecurety, the selfdoubt, the vulnarability,..... no definatly not up for it now.
I wish it didn't feel so odd to add my 'like' to posts which end where one can feel someone's ouches. I quite seriously never know what to do there, is that social awkwardness? Don't know.
It's an awfully, awfully good thread, Angel. I realize I'm the kid who wandered into the wrong class but am sitting in the back of the room with a dictionary and thesarus, please do not feel I'm a voyeur. I keep getting told I should feel certain ways, do not, like there's something wrong with me and I just better go look again. Pretty sure there's not, was lucky, that's all. I feel shame for buying a pair of socks.
I can see where the trust thing would figure largely , so the open relationship concept I know I would not be able to deal with. It'd just be a matter of having to absolutely trust so MANY people, that they really DID mean what they said, that all those dumb power games females tend to allow themselves would not be somewhere in the mix. It seems to me it'd have to be a hugely dedicated, highly evolved, almost egoless group of individuals who could pull this off with zero complications. I just know personally I'd always have doubts. Please don't think I'm doubting anyone who is engaged in this- that'd be me, with a dose of PTSD in my ear.
Plus, boy, in order to go to so much thought sex itself would have to be hugely, hugely important in one's life. Maybe it goes back to the original question of why people have sex to begin with. I mean, it's fun, as in LOTS but not quite as important to me ( I don't think? ) as perhaps those who have an actual philosophy of sorts behind it.
It's an awfully, awfully good thread, Angel. I realize I'm the kid who wandered into the wrong class but am sitting in the back of the room with a dictionary and thesarus, please do not feel I'm a voyeur. I keep getting told I should feel certain ways, do not, like there's something wrong with me and I just better go look again. Pretty sure there's not, was lucky, that's all. I feel shame for buying a pair of socks.
I can see where the trust thing would figure largely , so the open relationship concept I know I would not be able to deal with. It'd just be a matter of having to absolutely trust so MANY people, that they really DID mean what they said, that all those dumb power games females tend to allow themselves would not be somewhere in the mix. It seems to me it'd have to be a hugely dedicated, highly evolved, almost egoless group of individuals who could pull this off with zero complications. I just know personally I'd always have doubts. Please don't think I'm doubting anyone who is engaged in this- that'd be me, with a dose of PTSD in my ear.
Plus, boy, in order to go to so much thought sex itself would have to be hugely, hugely important in one's life. Maybe it goes back to the original question of why people have sex to begin with. I mean, it's fun, as in LOTS but not quite as important to me ( I don't think? ) as perhaps those who have an actual philosophy of sorts behind it.
From what I can see, in solid relationships that some of my friends have, is that sex plays an important role in the way they seem to deepen their relationship. ( or at least thats how it looks to me)
It is just an activity that they enjoy mostly, for some it is a very uncomplicated thing ( for as far as a sexual act can be uncomplicated), just to enjoy and deepen their intimacy. Something fun, free and natural.
How I wish I could enjoy it in that way!
To me the sex act is to intens to be uncomplicated. For me it can be a knot of power issues, vulnarability, fragile trust, shame, and so...
When I sleep with someone it always raises complications that get me stuck in them.
For me there is no natural flowing way to accept ones intimacy, or to enjoy once intimacy. It scares me, it makes me insecure about the next step or the deed itself, it makes me question the others trustworthyness, it makes me question my own trustworthyness....and so on.
The sexual act I actually can enjoy pretty freely, but everything that comes after that, I can not seem to handle in a natural way.
- Post starter
- #36
angel2write
Diamond Member
How did a thread about trying to learn how to handle problems with sex become a thread about alternative lifestyles?
Eloise, honestly, you did make me uncomfortable. I can't understand how your comments were supposed to apply to the problem I was asking about. Are you recommending that my husband and I explore polyamory as a way to solve our problems? Or are you looking for help handling problems with sex within your current relationship parameters?
I feel a little like my topic got hijacked into a discussion of the benefits of alternative sexual lifestyles. And there is absolutely NO PROBLEM with starting a thread to discuss this. Just, maybe not here, please?
I would, however, welcome any comments you have about how you have overcome difficulties caused by early sexual abuse. This is what I started this thread to discuss.
Respectfully,
A
Eloise, honestly, you did make me uncomfortable. I can't understand how your comments were supposed to apply to the problem I was asking about. Are you recommending that my husband and I explore polyamory as a way to solve our problems? Or are you looking for help handling problems with sex within your current relationship parameters?
I feel a little like my topic got hijacked into a discussion of the benefits of alternative sexual lifestyles. And there is absolutely NO PROBLEM with starting a thread to discuss this. Just, maybe not here, please?
I would, however, welcome any comments you have about how you have overcome difficulties caused by early sexual abuse. This is what I started this thread to discuss.
Respectfully,
A
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