Emdr Journey - Comments & Questions

[doglover]

So I have been seeing a highly qualified EMDR therapist for ... oh five months or so. It is going okay. I haven't collapsed or gotten brain damage or anything. I bring that up because I have "one big trauma" and lots of little ones. T doesn't really call it complex trauma but I bet you could frame it that way if you wanted to.

Folks who think about trying this modality but decide not to consider it due to having complex trauma, I invite you to reconsider. I think a properly trained and experienced EMDR T could still work with you safely.

I do have concerns, though. Namely, we have tried processing about 3-4 times now and it doesn't feel like it's working. I feel like I'm too self-controlled, or trying to achieve a specific goal / win T approval / etc. and the process doesn't really work that way. Every response I have is about body sensations and I feel like I'm not really getting into the old memories.

I have lots of trouble 'going with it' and I want to change that. I'm wondering if others here who have used EMDR ran into this problem. How did you fix it? What might help me trust the process and my feelings more? I'm not sure how much longer I'll have insurance coverage for this so I really want to get as much out of it as I can.

Basically I think my need to control everything and my trouble trusting (related to the unprocessed "big trauma") are interfering with a natural flow and I want to get past this.

 

[doglover]

No one who has been through EMDR has any tips for how to lean into it and relax my self-control enough to get the most from memory processing?

 

[Pearl Black Eyes]

doglover

The body remembers. If body sensations are coming up, go with that. Concentrate on those sensations while following your therapist's fingers, flashing lights, sounds or whatever he/she is using. The sensations might start getting stronger. Go with it. Whilst your wrapped up in the physical sensations you might find that a fragment from a memory comes up. That's what happened for me. The memory fragment didn't even seem that significant, but I gave in to it. I was even a bit frustrated at first, feeling like "I had bigger fish to fry", but I decided to go with it anyway. My session proved to be a good one. I just went along with whatever came up, be it physical sensations, memories, fragments of a memory etc

 

[maddog]

Hey Doglover.

Wow, it's really nice to see you back around here, I've been wondering how you've been going...

I have 0 experience with EMDR to date and so figured I wouldn't take up space on this planet with a meaningless response, but I guess I did just want to say that in whatever form they are squeezed out of us, body memories really do play an uncanny, if often a very unpleasant, role in helping us process and work through our unremembered (or remembered) traumas to the truth and to acceptance.

I'm somewhere in the midst of the turmoil of that process right now, and recently, body memories were my first indicators that there were huge chunks of trauma that I previously had no idea were there.

For a long time, I also fought fiercely, even if only unconsciously in the end, to retain control, win T approval, dictate and somehow pre-arrange the process and the outcomes... losing control was both a conscious and an unconscious symbol of complete failure and devastation for me, and there was nothing I wouldn't do to try to avoid that happening.

Thankfully, or unfortunately, depending on whether you take an objective or a subjective view respectively, there came a point at which the control and ego defenses tumbled away for me, and from there I fell headlong into the memories, and fell headlong into trusting T, which, in turn, deepend my headlong tumble into the memories, etc.

I don't think there is a formula for making this happen, or a timeframe, or even a prescribed route that it will take. It's just with time, efort, perseverance and the trust-earning behaviour and interaction of your T that this process will gradually evolve, and I do remember that your T said to you a while ago that you would be a particular challenge due to your intellect and level of control... Well, that's her challenge, and yours to stick with the battle and keep trying, and hey, it really is early days yet...

Apologies for the very useless response, but just wanted to say I'm glad to hear from you and to know you're out there making progress.

Maddog

 

[doglover]

Thank you both. A. Person, thanks for helping me feel like the body awareness memories are a 'normal' source of info. I guess I've struggled with that because so far it hasn't gone anywhere else.

maddog, thanks for the reassurance. (It's nice to be back. I left in part because I felt like I was doing worse by being around here so much... trying to see if I can avoid that this time.) Your response isn't useless! It is reassuring... lately I've been getting frustrated that I haven't had a major emotional breakthrough about the trauma - we have been putting out fires in the present a bit more, and T has hesitated to go too deep for fear of destabilizing me too much.

I'm just getting impatient with myself I guess.

 

[Helliepig]

I do have concerns, though. Namely, we have tried processing about 3-4 times now and it doesn't feel like it's working. I feel like I'm too self-controlled, or trying to achieve a specific goal / win T approval / etc. and the process doesn't really work that way. Every response I have is about body sensations and I feel like I'm not really getting into the old memories.

I have lots of trouble 'going with it' and I want to change that. I'm wondering if others here who have used EMDR ran into this problem. How did you fix it? What might help me trust the process and my feelings more? .

I think there are a lot of reasons for this. In my experience things come out in a sort of order - the building blocks have to be in place from previous sessions in order for the harder and harder stuff to come out. For me, the really deep stuff didn't start surfacing until I was with a T who really understood what a damaged child needs - we did a lot of inner child work - and who had knowledge of handling the dangerous journey through the early stuff. A combination of her knowing the right way to do it and me at last thinking I was safe enough with her - or ready enough??

I'd had quite a bit of EMDR before with someone and often felt to be stuck, and I think that was partly not knowing how to let it happen, not daring to let go and trust, and him not really feeling safe enough - but I also think it was all very very deeply buried stuff and took a lot of persuading the brain to release it, gradually eroding the defences with more and more EMDR.

I can now tell when I'm blocking and resisting, but still can't force it - and back then I didn't know or have the experience.

I got so frustrated I started doing loads of it myself at home and seemingly getting nowhere, then suddenly BANG, all my secrets and terror and panic and existential hell and depersonalisation all rushed out at once in a dreadfully awful freefalling kind of insanity that took weeks to recover from.... I thought I'd done myself permament damage. And it was too much, without the context or the comprehension or the inner child work or whatever- so it all went back in again. Maybe, though, much nearer the surface. I suspect all the early EMDR paved the way for the ease of access I've had with my current T so all those "wasted" sessions weren't in fact wasted at all.

I guess it comes down to trust - trusting your T, trusting the process just to go with it (some things take a lot of frustrating sessions before they are ripe enough to show themselves) and really having a companion in the process who understands. My first EMDR therapist is a world renowed PTSD therapist and lecturer who knew Shapiro personally - but he knew nothing about the child's world and how to gain my child's trust, or how to reach her, and she was not taken in for a minute, so it didn't work. What I'm saying is the T has to be a lot more than just good at EMDR.

It also gets a lot easier with practice and as you get used to listening to your inner pictures and feelings. 3-4 sessions is really nothing at all in the scheme of things.

Sorry- I hope that sort of answered your questions???

 

[doglover]

Hellipig, that was hugely helpful. We've had weekly sessions for a few months but only 3-4 involved processing stuff with the EMDR. She lets me set the mood and agenda, only recently I wanted to process and she thought I was too unstable so we didn't :/

I am glad you shared every bit of that. With Shapiro's self-help book out I've been toying with the idea of self bilateral stimulation. I can't afford to go that far off center right now, much as I do want to unlock Pandora's box.

I guess each session, each time I reach out and have a positive experience, is building those blocks you describe. The mind will present this stuff when it's ready. I wish it were easier to be more relaxed about it - but then, my task-oriented, goal-attainment identity is trying to ACHIEVE instead of be with the process of healing. Grr.

One more reason to be gentle with myself. I can't thank you enough for what you shared here!!!