Coping While Waiting For In Patient Treatment???

[freakofnurture]

Instead, while I still await in patient, this person has chosen to discard me.

Wow, that's hard :(

Not to take sides or make excuses for shitty behaviour, but maybe to make this feel a bit less like a total breach of trust for you:

I have a friend whom I promised to be there always, no matter what; if she's in deep trouble I'm there. When I did so, I was very confident that I'd be able to keep my promise, and I was there for her for a very long time in a very intense manner. But everybody has a breaking point and you don't always see it coming. After the last crisis was over the only thing I was able to do was tell her that during the next one of that kind I wouldn't be able to support her. I didn't tell her via txt but via email because everything else would have been too emotional for me and I know I might have said things that I'd have regretted afterwards.

It's understandable that you feel the way you feel about this, especially now that this insult is still so fresh. And people really shouldn't make promises like that - but it's easy to just talk when you feel you have to say something helpful and hopeful. We tend to overestimate ourselves or underestimate how bad things can become. The only thing left is to pull out before we break ourselves and bear the shame of having let someone down who really shouldn't be let down right now.

I'm sure your friend isn't happy with their decision and they regret having overestimate their strength, but they have to look after themselves, too.

 

[thematrix]

Thanks for the reply freakofnature. I was very angry and I did not hesitate to make that known.

Perhaps I should have. I feel bad that I burdened this person, but they stated they would be there for me. I needed the support, and I know that it must be difficult for a non ptsd to understand.

It was also a place where I could go and feel safe and now thats gone.

At the same time, in standing up to this person in pure knee jerk reaction, I did something I never do. In the past people would walk all over me and I would just take it. I dont do that anymore.

I guess I was shocked at the timing. And thought really, of all times, dont do this now. It just seemed so rude and cruel. I have read about the 5 second rule, but man that was harsh. And that went right out the window.

Everyone can only take so much, I understand that. Perhaps I should thank this person for there assistanace, try to take the high road, and never look back, and chop it up as a lost support. And always remember this person as a jerk for there horrific timing, could have been so much earlier, just not now, geesh. I felt like I got kicked when I was already down.

Its just hard you know, you think you finally found someone you can trust and then to be betrayed, i dont trust people easily anymore and i felt so insulted at the timing.

I dont know, this is so difficult, I never wanted my life to turn out like this and I have to start doing things for me, and I've got to move forward and I've got to get better, and I read somewhere about feeling the hurt, and you can only do it alone, thats so scary.
Its going to be a tough road.I'm not looking forward to it. But there's no other option.

Thanks freakofnature for putting things in a better perspective. You were a good friend to your friend, and a person can only take so much, I get that for sure. Thanks again I appreciate it.

 

[thematrix]

Bad to worse. I didnt clarify because I was trying to maintain a level of privacy. But this supporter has been in a relationship with me for a couple of years.

I decided to take the high road, and thanked this person for everything in the past, and then the truth came out,when I asked, that he's been messing around with someone else.

Really? Now? While he knows I am waiting to go into in patient.

I read some of the supporters pages, I read about not loving someone with ptsd and what a bad desiscion that is, I read about how difficult it is and not fair to the supporter.

And thats sadly probably all true.

But is it ok, to tell a sufferer you'll never hurt them, and that you love them, and you will be there til things are better, and then cheat on them, and end things while you know they are waiting to go into in patient?

I never lied, I was honest about everything always. I trusted this person. Which is no small task for me to do.

He kept maintaining that this was ending because I dont feel good, I dont like to go out, and that I was fearful of commitment.

I was there because I was trying in the only possible way I can right now, I never cheated on him, nor would I. Was spending time together not enough. Was that not obvious, I didnt leave him.

I get that if it was to much, then saying goodbye was the right thing for him. But to cheat on me? And then when I try to ask how long, he said he didnt want to talk about it and hung up on me.

I am physically sickened. I dont think this is something you do to someone you love. He lied, he hurt me so badly at the worst possible time.

Am I wrong? God please help me.

 

[freakofnurture]

Am I wrong?

That adds a whole new layer of awfulness to the whole story. Or maybe two?

I really don't know what to say right now other than keep yourself safe. Go get on suicide watch if you have to. You deserve to live to get better. You'll find another safe place and safe people if you don't give up looking for them.

 

[thematrix]

Thanks for the reply freakofnurture. I think I need to just step back, and do a serious reality check. Remove all toxic people as much as I can. The saddest part is, I dont realize they are so toxic til its to late.

Yesterday I had an internal freak out and this all spun me out. I was so hurt, I felt so pathetic, so tired of crying. I dont want to be like that ever again. He texted he was truly sorry. I think thats a load of crap. I'll be better off without him logically. I need to remove him from my life and never speak to him again. I have to force myself to remember that.

Enough is enough. Time to put on the big girl panties and move on with my life as much as possible, an salvage what little is left.

I dont want to let this set me back any further. I need to focus on me, and getting better. I have to there is no other option.

Hope you are doing well. Thank you for responding freakofnature.

 

[thematrix]

I have taken a huge step back, and thought about a lot of things. I hate this **mn illness. I apologize for the language. Getting mad at it does nothing. Telling it to stop makes it worse.

I have so many things to face that I dont want to.

I alone must do this. This is terrifying.

I am dreading going into in patient now because I realize how hard it is going to be, and that this is not going to make things all better, its going to open it all up. And I'm still waiting, weeks I am told.

I realize I am going to have to work at this my whole life.

It has taken everything from me. I am so sick of suffering and feeling sick everyday. I am so sick of the impact on my life.

I am so sick of the insinuation, subtly, this is all my fault, the stigma, the lack of educaiton on the part of others. So sick of it, I dont want to talk about it, theres no point, they dont get it. So sick of the roadblocks to put it behind.

I dont need anyones validation when I understand it. This is infuriating to put up with. I think thats what I was doing. The notion of do you understand, so I can feel ok about me?

They will say yes. When the answer is really no. How could they? I do realize.

So, thats how its going to be. It is difficult to realize, fully realize, with absolute clarity. That who I was is gone, I will never be the old me. That in itself, is harsh. So many things, I have lost because of everything that has happened. To realize you are gone, is the ultimate.

I get to become a new person, I am told, like thats an easy task? Everything in my life must change. I must change.

This seems such an absolutely enormous task.

I am sad, scared, I feel very alone, so depressed, feelings I dont want to feel, no feelings,messed up nightmares, stupid triggers everywhere, exhausted, trying to function, do what you have to do, sometimes is so difficult. I dont know how to do this alone, manage. I will find out, somehow. I must.

I live day to day, sometimes minute to minute. I want to ditch this dark crappy illness that is with me always. I try to hide it, but its always there.

I lost a major support, at the worst possible time, and am still confused and didnt see it coming. I guess thats more of a reflection of me.

I realize fully I must deal with this alone and I am terrified.

 

[Tinyflame]

I hope thematrix you will be given helpful, kind, understanding people and support along the way. Even if that doesn't seem possible to you right now, that they even exist, let alone 'get it', let alone would help you.

Please don't beat yourself up and internalize these happenings as your fault. I think when people are not (as) familiar with trauma, they won't be able to understand as well. But yes, you have to do the work, but you do not know 'who' or 'what' will come along that will help you.

It won't always feel this bad.
Hang in there.

 

[freakofnurture]

Everything in my life must change. I must change.

Maybe it's just me but that sounds awfully destructive. You don't have to change if you don't want to. You are okay and good enough the way you are.

Only because you yourself are unhappy with the way your life looks and feels right now do you choose to try some changes, and it is your right to do so, at your own pace and with the means you find that work for you.

And you don't have to change who you are at all. You can choose to merely change the way you deal with your own destructive, uncomfortable thoughts and emotions, the way you deal with your other symptoms, with every day life, with other people.

You already feel like you lost yourself to your trauma; you don't have to do anything that makes you feel like you're about to lose yourself all over again to healing.

Healing is about strengthening who you are, what your needs are, what your rights are. It's about becoming more of what you are, more of what strengths you have, more of what you like about yourself. And it's also about helping the parts of you that are currently cowered in fear to get up again, stretch and unfold to take back their rightful place in your life.

Gawd, what do I sound like -.- *puts on flower hat and dances in the meadow*

 

[thematrix]

Junebug and freakofnature thank you both for your replies. I have read and reread them. Thank you both.

I didnt realize I was being so hard on myself, but I do feel alot of pressure, so much pressure. I guess this thinking is destructive, I guess I am beating myself up.

There's been alot of conditioning and its been internalized, I have to try to not listen to it. But you're right logically I know this isnt my fault. And I need to accept that, to the point where its engrained in my brain.If that makes any sense. Its like I need to change the tape, and its stuck.

Freakofnature your description of healing is inspiring. Thank you so much.

And I have to say the Gawd, what do I sound like..*puts on flower hat and dances in the meadow*, you seriously actually made me laugh out loud when I read that. There's a feeling I miss, and it felt great!

Thank you both again so much.