It's Like I Have A Label Saying 'use Me, I'm Vulnerable'

[Amy91]

The majority of the men in my life that have learned of my experiences all seem to use it as an opportunity to try to 'cure me' or something. I've heard on more than one occasion that the ptsd is only there because i've not found a man that respects me and takes things slow.

Sometimes I want to ask them what makes them different from the person that did this to me.

Is it my No that comes out wrong? Do I not say it loud enough? Some days I wonder if I say it in my head and not out loud.

I pick my battles, some days I feel stronger than others and on the strong days i'm forceful and not willing to stand for it, but on days that i'm not doing so good it's easier to let the lesser things slide, messages, pictures, comments and gropes. It's easy to let them slide because i'm not there really, i'm on autopilot and my head is somewhere else, I couldn't tell you if the events were current or in the past.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I can relate to those feelings Amy.

I havn't been in a relationship for about 7 years now. But even in the non-abusive relationship I felt under pressure to fulfill his needs. I don't know if its being unable to say no, or that he learned that I would give in with such a bit of pressure, wheras other women might have been less effected.

But a problem I'm only just learning about is dissociation. I have a great deal of sexual fear, so it doesn't take much pressure from someone before I dissociate and can no longer say no.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think there's a bad dynamic, when there is threats, cohersion, or fear.
Also, it's hard to protect yourself, when boundaries aren't respected. And there's no way to avoid it (them).
'Stronger days' can be hard to come by.

 

[Amy91]

I don't know if its being unable to say no, or that he learned that I would give in with such a bit of pressure, whereas other women might have been less effected.

I wonder if this is the case too. Do they just know that if they keep at it long enough it will force me backwards and i'm lost in myself so I can't say yes or no. Is that normal in a relationship and it's blown up by ptsd or is it really just attracting the wrong kind of guy?

'Stronger days' can be hard to come by.

They really can.

 

[Mary Burgess]

I think boundaries are very important, healthy, and always useful. In my last 'relationship', we took it slow as molasses - then came the 'push and pull' stuff from her. We did try to be 'friends' after this very short 'relationship' ended, but we both had our triggers set off by each other like wildfire. The friendship felt a lot like the relationship, except without any sex or kissing. It got to a point where I just felt like a doormat. I guess I was falsely thinking that, as we both had ptsd, there would be more compassion and understanding of each other's situation. She was able to tell me right at the very end of this, that I would just 'blur into' her abuser, and things were just never going to work out; I made her always feel like she was walking on eggshells - there is no telling how 'used' that made me feel, as she was willing to just let things coast along, until I could no longer bear the way things were. I feel so bad that she was not able to trust me enough to tell me these things until the very end. There is no trust left on my part, so a friendship with her is not only not salvageable, but totally unhealthy.

I am thinking that my brain is hardwired to pick up signals from people that are not going to be healthy for me, and so another relationship with someone is going to be out of the question until I have had enough therapy to understand what/how it is with me, and how to have healthy boundaries and ongoing communication.
Mary

 

[Mary Burgess]

P.S. - I did offer to do joint counseling for us at one point, just to keep the friendship, and make it healthy - but for some reason, it just did not happen : (

 

[Spiderallis]

The first year after my abusive ex-husband left was spent being used by the three friends who came rushing in to 'help' me. I was diagnosed recently, two years of going around untreated and now I'm suspicious of anyone wanting to help me. It's like we give off some smell that attracts the leeches.

I move so slowly in getting close to people now that snails make rude gestures at me. If they aren't patient enough to put up with my pace, that's not a friend I want to have.