History Of Suicide

[Christian Price]

I was really feeling life stomp out my guts today. In fact for the last twelve months. The animal has been rattling my cage. I honestly feel the average councilor spending one hour a week with me; would take 20 years to unravel 35 years of psychology. I found a way to live with the animal and never go back, I've had some major FUBAR moments in life but I always make it through. I honestly don't think I want a marriage councilor poking around in my head. For the most part I've done well. No drug addiction, alcohol issues, never been in jail, overall when I'm running on cylinders my society had no idea about my past. I honestly believe I just need to act like a submarine and start blowing ballast to get to the surface and I'm fine. I know help is coming. What I am frustrated about society wants to "fix" me. So, I agreed to try and let them "fix" me and they are making me mad.

How did I survive that moment? I said a prayer before I pulled the trigger. Nothing happens. I look up through the tree canopy and wait a moment and depressed the trigger of the rifle. It hit...bad. I thought I was going to wake up in eternity, but it didn't work out that way. So, I had a moment of remorse. My biggest fear was dying alone. I start to see all of the blood and cant breathe anymore then I get really scared.
Not sure how long I laid there. Suddenly, I hear this voice and also feel it in the core of my being. It was an energy pulse. It calms my panic and fear. I asked me a question; it was a question a teenager could understand. If I were a Ivy League Divinity professor it would've been more scholarly I imagine. But it asked me "Name a reason to live." I start thinking of girls, cars, football nothing to match the grave nature of what I just unleashed on myself. Then another similar pulse. I hear and feel a quick child's laughter; I want to be a dad. That was my hearts desire.

It was a miracle how I get out of the woods and help finds me. So, over the years as I battle my psychology I always go back to that moment. I'm on meds, seeing quack doctors that tell me my problem my heart is not right, my councilor admits she is not qualified to manage me but she cares for my family (know her through church). I am feeling life stomp on my guts. Gremlins are running around. Suddenly I feel a calm voice tell me go sit in the kitchen. My daughter is playing in the kitchen. I watch her for a half hour. She is 8 years old and she is beautiful. She is talking to me. She hugs on me and asks if I feel ok? My baby girl. Dude; this is how I fought this animal and always won!! I do what I have to do to keep on going. I feel so much better.

 

[Christian Price]

Very good day. After yesterday; I decided to take responsibility for my own process. I cant fully trust the healtcare system to provide adequate care at this level. I am in two sessions and councelor is firing off; advice for my life. The advice would not work but she kept insisting. Tells me she doesn't want to listen but dictate to me. My doctor spends five minutes "What brings you in today?" Starts prescribing meds when I'm not even done telling them what is wrong.

I will take what they prescribed. Honestly I just want to talk and understand what this PTSD is. But I made the promise to myself. PTSD and Depression will not own my mind or heart. It may make me have some flashbacks, phantom taste, odors and sensations. That doesn't mean it owns me.

So it was a good day.

 

[freakofnurture]

Wow, that councillor sounds like she chose the wrong career path. How about joining the army, lady?

 

[Christian Price]

Another good day. Drove for the first time in two weeks all though the creepy crawlers were botherin me. My ribs on my surgical side were humming. Never bothers me on the good side (right). I swear I could feel the retractor spreading my ribs open. Hate it. Hate it bad. Then some councilor who read one pargraph on how to treat PTSD wants to get in my head and move stuff around. My shooting and recovery are older than many of them have been in the mental health business.

 

[Christian Price]

Nightmare last night; it was the flash of light in my face and I know my body had the tremors. For one they woke me up but when I looked over the family dog who sleeps in his bed next to my wife was curled up next to my side of the bed. My heart and mind are solid, this won't own me. I will learn and make the adjustments. I've not come this far in my life to start shutting down from something I did 26 years ago. I've lived in the face of stigma of all stigmas suicide and mentall illness and wasn't like I could even lie about my "attempted" suicide. I grew up in an abusive/violent home. I'm told I'm the best daddy there is. So, I'm going to have to accept that title. I will finish this race called life; strong.

 

[Christian Price]

Today first day back at work for a full 8 hour day. Feeling strong again more like myself. Hands were shaking alot this morning. Got into an argument with a "villager" yesterday. Was dragged to the inlaws for a pool party/cookout. Of course my "secret" is out of the bag. Nothing but "village" types from the goodside of the tracks. Then there's me. I love me. I like me. I was depressed and afraid of my father and tired of being hit. So, I used suicide as a ways and means to escape. Nasty little lie of suicide: I used it to escape pain but the actual act itself; was so violent it jarred me out of my depression long enough to make me understand I'd take a 1000 "whys" reasons to take my life than what I just unleashed on me. Its an evil lie and unfortunately not many live to come back and reveal what this lie is.

So I was very open about my trip to the hospital here in the last two weeks. They confused my acute PTSD episode with "Oh, My, God He is thinkin of killin himself again. Think of your wife and children!" "Really, dude it was 26 years ago. I let the monster out of the box and saw it again and I was afraid. If you could see what I saw. You would have been right in the nut house with me. So chill out!" <no offense, I appreciate qaulity mental health care. But insofar as the martini crowd was concerned I played it up to add to the shock and awe effect.>

I am very happy to have a sharp drop off in symptoms have also reached out to some people that may have some PTSD symptoms. One young lady was in the wrong place wrong time and was caught in a police shootout here two months ago. She took 6 rounds in the passenger side of her truck. No one in passenger seat and another young lady was in a car accident 14 years ago and a friend of hers died next to her. Both showing symptoms I pointed them to this place.

Again to the admins here and everyone else. Thank you for your assitance.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Nasty little lie of suicide: I used it to escape pain but the actual act itself; was so violent it jarred me out of my depression long enough to make me understand I'd take a 1000 "whys" reasons to take my life than what I just unleashed on me. Its an evil lie and unfortunately not many live to come back and reveal what this lie is.

HI CP, I'm trying to understand what you meant here. I'm very intrigued and interested in knowing about this. I'm sorry I'm not getting it. Would you be willing to explain this a little more in detail? Specifically about the dirty lie. If not it's okay I understand.

Glad you met some other people with PTSD.

Take care,

solo

 

[Christian Price]

Sorry for not checking back in; I've been doing very well. Nightmares are still ongoing.

Sure solo,

Suicide's lie told me it would release me from my pain. My final act or so I thought was to load a rifle and put it one inch left of center of sternum. I am so thankful I did not pay attention in anatomy class in H.S. I based my aim on the Pledge of Alligance. When I depressed the trigger:

The first thing I saw was the flash of light from the muzzle. About the time the roar hit my ears my chest imploded. The force of what hit me interupted the lie. The force and violence was so profound it shook me out of this drunk like stupor I'd been in for 7 months. My thought was suicide was my release from my pain and despair and I wanted to be free from the despair I'd known.This explosion in the center of me caused me to regret what I'd done. Hence the lie. It lured me into the jaws of an animal and left me to die a violent death having my mind filled with a moment of remorse prior to death setting in. I assumed there was no coming back from the hell I'd just unleashed into my body.

I will check back in. If I still haven't awnsered let me know and I will gladly give it another try becaus if there's anything to be gotten about what I have to say with regard to my sucicide has to do with this ONE thought and it's deceptive lie. "The amount of violence delievered necessary to cause life to cease, may very well break the victim out from a drunk like stupor the siren call has put into the mind of it's follower,long enough for them to regret the act just prior to death being achieved."

 

[Christian Price]

Still doing well. I felt depressed though today. Life feels like it's flying past me. I understand life is a gift and I feel like I've squandered time. I was given a second chance at life, I want to capture every moment I can. I spent a good deal of the evening with my children catching fireflies. My daughter told me "Fireflies are the glory of a summer night." Smart girl, not bad for an 8 year old. I just wish life would slow down so I could treasure more nights like tonight. But then again, perhaps my second chance at life does cause me to slow down where many would miss moments like this in the pursuit of the big dream. All I wanted to do was survive that moment and grow up to be a nice daddy, not like the monster I had.

I had a flashback tonight. I remember the very moment I considered suicide. I was having a panic attack at the thought of the abuse kicking my a## all over the house. I was 15 and he was a grown man. I was pacing around the house before he got home and walked past his office where he kept guns. I walked in and picked up a pistol. I felt the adrenalin rush through my body and for the first time I was alive. It became a drug for me and like any drug I needed a biger hit to keep the high. When the hit wore off I became depressed again. Suicide promised me a release from my pain and despair. I flirted with it for months. I cut myself with box cutters. I spoke openly of wanting to die. No one paid any attention. The drug demanded more from me and I wanted out, until the muzzle flash. From that moment on I knew I had made a very grave mistake.

Tonight I got to chase fireflies. I am blessed.

 

[Christian Price]

Not a good day. what triggered this for me a couple of weeks ago was work related stress. Customers came into my store today and we were out to "waste" my time. I've been selling cars long enough to spot the genuine customer with legtimate concerns and one that wants to play games. The kid goes to my boss's church and sure enough he had been given 10k as a wedding gift and wanted to pretend he was a big spender. Never tell me he knew my boss, just play games with me. It was over 100F on the black top, no way am I going to stroked and get a heat stroke. Little jerk then goes and shoots the boss an email what a toad I was. I sold my company 99 cars a few months ago. They come in and yell at me like I'm a rookie newbie car sales associate.

I felt the *pop* in my head again. The light is starting to hurt my eyes. My tremors are back. Phantom pain has been all day. My chest is on fire. The bullet was red hot as it ripped through me and I feel the heat from the slug. I plan on getting out of the business next spring.

I feeling really bad right know. I found some author/writers that surivied serious suicide attempts. I congratulated them on "surviving" yet to hear back from them. Frustrating, I would be ecstatic if I heard from another serious suicide attempte, got a second chance at life. Never wanted to go back. Suffered from some of the PTSD, stigma associated with a serious suicide attempt. Nope, they are major speakers and blew me off. Small potatoes, but it makes me feel like the village idiot I felt all of my life. Even the other assylum idiots won't right me back. Its ok to try and kill yourself so as long as you don't use a firearm. Introduce the gun into the conversation and people have always started to look for the closest exit.

Sorry for the mindless rant. Writing helps calm me down as it makes me focus on the words.

 

[Girl3]

CP - rant away if it will make you feel better. I've poisoned myself several times - had my stomach pumped. I cannot recommend it. Hangovers are mere headcolds compared with how you feel after drug overdose.

Getting a fourth chance is even better than getting a second chance. I hope you have someone who is your safety net - someone who knows your history and who can help if you start feeling like you really need to go. I can only say that had I succeeded in the past, I wouldn't have my wonderful daughter now.

Wishing you stability and a feeling of hope.

 

[Tinyflame]

CP, from what you have said, you are defined more by what you survived and learned than what you did in desperation. It's no small wonder others are perhaps not able to relate to that, at least yet. Or are not comfortable even thinking back of that time in their lives. Perhaps they are trying to forget it, rather than deal with it, or integrate it. Perhaps they are not strong enough to talk openly about it or deal with public shame or scrutiny.

I think acutely remembering that you felt regret, indicates you much have much left to do.
Or hope. Because I recall getting very ill once in spring 2006, and I didn't care to even try to stop it, no energy, motivation or desire. I don't think I had any hope whatsoever. And it wasn't dissociation.

As far as attempted-S goes, I have carried the shame but avoided much of the stigma as no one knew. Regretted (as in felt relief, later) that I never put a family member through it for which it would have been devastating.

However, last few years I told 2 people, and have recieved the opposite of responses from each. Seems to depend more on the person or their chosen way to respond to you, than whether the person themself can relate specifically. JMHO, of course.

Great you made it, anyway! :) :tup:
Hearts feel better getting hugged. :)