Why Should I Live?

[squirtsmom]

Why should I live? Who am I living for. I definitely not living for myself. I have struggled for over 23 years on this and I am to the point I want to know what is keeping me here. I can't figure it out.

I am so down that I don't see the end of the tunnel. I have tried to remain stable for the last 2 weeks and it has been hard. I see my counselor today and I am wondering why I continue to go when I can't afford to.

I struggle daily with keeping myself afloat that things just don't seem to go right and I fall backwards. I want to see the happiness I once knew. I want to find a reason to keep on living that does not involve others.What reasons can keep me going as I have for 23 years. I just am tired of the struggle and want to get out of this funk.

The new meds I am on seem to work a little but I am not getting the happiness back as of yet.:tdown: I want happiness back and I want it back now. Not years from now.

 

[The Albatross]

I have to confess I had to come back and read this three times before I posted. Obviously you've had med change, are you at therapeutic level? That can be part of what you are feeling. You tried to remain stable for two weeks and it has been hard. Okay... that is in the success category with a caveat: It is hard and I don't like it.

I get it. Hell yeah it is hard. I will tell you that it is possible to dig deep and find a reason to go on living that does not involve others. I have one myself. Mine is very basic. "Hansons (my maiden name) are survivors". We all get tired of the struggle. When you say your new meds work a little but your not getting "happiness back as of yet"... I get disturbed.

Happiness is not something you can achieve in a drug. At best it is fleeting anyways. Aim at autonimy and calm, and a sense of self worth... it will get you farther. I promise.

 

[Taven Carlsen]

... I want to find a reason to keep on living that does not involve others. ...

Not possible IMO. Is the problem your "others" of today? Do you need new "others"?

 

[The Albatross]

I am a survivor, and I come from a long line of survivors. Is pretty core. It doesn't involve others.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Dear squirtsmom,

You made it through 23 years of hell. Can you just give yourself a few more months to allow a recovery period? You're just now starting to get help, and it seems like the meds are just now kicking in. Give yourself a few months to get out of the funk, before giving up all hope. I can feel your frustration. I understand what your going through. Give yourself a break. Be realistic and don't expect miracles over night.

I know what you mean by wanting that feeling of happiness. I want that too. Sometimes I go months without feeling happy. And it it scares me that I may not feel happiness again.

One thing is sure, I realize I'm not going to find that happiness I'm looking for in a pill or meds. I try do do little things that I'm able to do to give me a spark of happiness. Like going to a garage sale, or a movie, or to the park & feed the ducks, the beach, swimming. Try to incorporate small things into your day that are pleasing to you. It will make life a little more bearable. After a while you may feel a bit happiness return.

Big hugs for you,

Solo

 

[squirtsmom]

Obviously you've had med change, are you at therapeutic level? That can be part of what you are feeling.

My medications are not to therapeutic levels as of yet. I just started on this new regime 3 weeks ago. I have been trying my best to keep myself from relapsing and ending back in the hospital because of feelings getting the best of me. I know it is hard I have been in counseling on and off for 23 years and this current combination seems to be working okay at this point. I want to find that happiness I used to have and I know I won't find it in a pill but maybe through therapy and dealing with issues maybe just maybe a glimmer of hope for happiness will be found.

 

[squirtsmom]

You made it through 23 years of hell. Can you just give yourself a few more months to allow a recovery period?

Flying Solo I have been dealing with many things let alone the PTSD for the past 23 years. Everything roared its ugly head about 2 1/2years ago now and it has been a severe battle to keep myself above water. I can't seem to find anything that makes me the slightest bit happy. I want to have a little bit of happiness I don't need the motherload just something some glimmer of hope that would help. I just am having difficulties with everything and things are out of control at this point. I want to plant my feet firmly on the ground and be able to smile and not a put on smile either. I want to say I feel happy today. I am ready to go back to my happy self. Or at least some sort of happiness.

 

[squirtsmom]

Not possible IMO. Is the problem your "others" of today? Do you need new "others"?

The problem is not knowing how to express my feelings outwardly and to others without going of the deep end. I try to let them know how I feel but they don't understand what I have been through as I am not to the point that I feel like I can share with them yet.

 

[The Albatross]

I would say with 23 years already under your belt, you (like me) have something... tenacity. :tup: Give it time, and some more time for adjustments. The only thing meds did for me was to remind me what "okay" was. That was enough. I hope things level out for you soon.

 

[Bubba]

I've been listening to this new guided imagery for walking that seems to help me. It pulls the energy from the earth and the nature around me and brings it into my body - my soul. I imagine that I am a tree with strong roots going into the earth and like a tree, I am pulling nutrients from the earth into my being. I don't rely on myself - but I rely on the beauty that God created to give me strength.

It may sound weird (I thought so at first) - but it has helped. It doesn't necessarily bring me happiness, but it does bring me peace.

I feel for you! I really do! Keep sharing and posting - we will all do what we can to support you and help you to get thru this rough time. Lots of ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))).

 

[DecadeKTouch]

I've honestly asked the same question to myself back then, until I got to this field trip in school back in college. I saw that there are people who are desperately fighting for their lives just so they live another day, just that thought made me think that even if my life right now is sh*tty as hell but I know I can still make a difference everyday.

 

[squirtsmom]

Thanks Bubba! I appreciate the HUGS. To Albatross thanks! It has been a very hard 23 years and the sad part is that is when the memories(night terrors) started. I have been dealing with this all but 5 years of my life. I put up the road blocks kept people away, only had a few friends, and basically wanted to be left alone by myself. I did not want to be near authority figures(people older than me)except my confidant. When she died all the memories exploded and I could not figure out what end was up.