Anyone Elses' Ptsd Due To A Sociopath?

[Loner]

Sounds like you should be able to get sole custody of your daughter, and get a restraining order against him. Be strong. I know he seems all powerful but document the things he does, get proof. If he is really the way you say you can take effective legal action against him even if he is charming and a good liar. You need to be there for your daughter as well as yourself. If he has caused you pain he is causing her even more. Even if you fail and she is mad at you now, years later she will feel that someone tried to stand up for her and be grateful, it will do a lot to dispel the feeling that she is unlovable, which is something many on this forum struggle with.

You can do this. Contacting a lawyer may be a better step than contacting a therapist for now.

 

[frozen]

I have custody of my daughter. the things he does are game playing and luring her with money, the things he can't get in trouble for.

My daughter goes along with him because she wants the money and to do the things she can't do with me since he has broken us down to nothing. It feels very much like she has betrayed me in the worst way.

We were only married two years before I knew to get my kids away from his "weird" behaviors. Legally separated the rest of the time and finalized the divorce two years ago.

He it the "Ted Bundy charming" type, and I'm too tired and have no will to fight him period.
I'm done. I don't want her back, I'm sick of living in his twisted world.

 

[frozen]

Did I mention we have no money? I couldn't get a lawyer or a therapist even though I'd like both...I don't even have a phone. I have internet only because he pays for my son's games that way.

This is not life.

 

[Loner]

I know you're hurting right now, but try not to feel angry or betrayed by your daughter, after all, you fell for his charms as well, so you should be able to empathize with her. She is young and naive. Be there for her the best you can if and when she does realize the kind of person he is. No offense, but if you hate her for this, you should question how much better of a parent you really are than him.

 

[frozen]

Great answer!! I'll take that to heart and add it to the guilt I already feel.
No, I'm a bad parent and she should not be with me. You are VERY right!!!!!

 

[Loner]

The guilt you will feel 20 years down the road when you realize you've damaged your daughter and your relationship with her by being unnacepting of her is a lot bigger than the guilt youll feel now for being angry at her for 'betraying' you. You'd not a bad person for feeling that way, but realize its just your feelings and do your best to accept her for who she is, someone young and naive who has a mother with some issues and a father who behavior is at best extremely confusing I am sure.

 

[frozen]

Thank you once again, you answered a very important question for me.

My daughter knows exactly what she's doing and she knows exactly what her father is and what he does, she has witnessed some horrific incidents he has pulled, and she was told sternly by a therapist to NEVER go to him to get him on my arse EVER again. She made her understand that he is poisen to me and she understood full well what she was told.

And there won't be any 20 years down the road....the mother with "issues"...I'd almost laugh at that since it's used so much without a reason to explain where those "issues" came about. "She was just crazy"
I won't be here to have to listen to it so it's all good with me! :)

As they say, if a sociopath doesn't kill you right away he will in the long run.

 

[Loner]

Frozen, I am sorry I upset you. I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I know guilt and self blame are huge components of ptsd.

I feel pretty confident in saying that your daughter DOESN'T really understand what her father is. It is incredibly hard to realize that one of your parents doesn't love you. Trust me on this. My mother has narcissistic personality disorder. Its very similar to sociopathy in the sense that people with these disorders have no legitimate love or even caring for another human being, they are incapable of it.

By the time I was about 10-12 I realized what my mother was. I didn't know the words for it, but I knew there was no real life, people were just objects to her. Even knowing this, I spend the next 10 years trying to convince myself she loved me because the reality was just too painful to be believed. I knew she didnt and never would, but you have no idea how hard it is to realize one of your parents just does not love you at all. It is very easy to continue to play a part in their games because it gives you some glimmer of hope that maybe you're wrong and someone could love you after all, even with how worthless you are.

Also, I didn't call you crazy, but you should realize, when your daughter was a little kid, she would have no more understanding of where your issues come from than I do.

Or you could just hate her for making the same mistakes you yourself have made. It's really none of my business.

 

[Taven Carlsen]

Well someone has to say the hard things here and that seems to Loner. But I don't want Loner to be a Lone.

Frozen, I've been in your daughter's position (and although someone in the you<->husband situation normally doesn't need any criticism) you have to understand you're headed in a dangerous direction: Your daughter doesn't deserve this stuff. Your daughter is not whatever age you're imagining her to be, she is not the same age as yourself and your husband, in there playing the games with you. She's not able to.

My mother's accusations against me were similar, and similarly implausible. And importantly she was unable to deal with her children as if they were children.

I must say you're doing one thing very right however Frozen, you're being honest that you "don't want her back." I suggest one last move as her mother: Make arrangements for someone she knows to get custody of her instead of leaving her life to the chaos of governmental custody.

 

[frozen]

I've made arrangements for her to stay with her father who is not my husband by the way, he has been my ex for over 12 years. He won't take her because if he does, he has no more connection to me. Period.

 

[frozen]

I feel pretty confident in saying that your daughter DOESN'T really understand what her father is. It is incredibly hard to realize that one of your parents doesn't love you. Trust me on this. My mother has narcissistic personality disorder. Its very similar to sociopathy in the sense that people with these disorders have no legitimate love or even caring for another human being, they are incapable of it.

By the time I was about 10-12 I realized what my mother was. I didn't know the words for it, but I knew there was no real life, people were just objects to her. Even knowing this, I spend the next 10 years trying to convince myself she loved me because the reality was just too painful to be believed. I knew she didnt and never would, but you have no idea how hard it is to realize one of your parents just does not love you at all. It is very easy to continue to play a part in their games because it gives you some glimmer of hope that maybe you're wrong and someone could love you after all, even with how worthless you are.

This I agree with 110%, she has admitted more than once to be living a pretend world just to try to cope.
She pretends he's a normal dad she says.

May I add that I have four children and she is the only one who has turned to him and done things purposely to get him after me, as she has watched him do some horrible stuff and she knows if she gets in trouble with me, it only takes one word to him and he will "punish" me like no other. It has happened more than once, it has ripped our family to shreds. She admitted this in therapy as well. None of my other three children have ever done anything that comes close to these actions.

And when she was little, we had a very normal life. Mom wasn't crazy then, and hadn't been torn to shreds yet. She watched it happen, she watched the actions that made it happen, so it wasn't in "disguise" at any time.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think what children see and what they understand from it can be very different.

But although your daughter will have been effected by what she's witnessed (and as a child she had no choice in that), she isn't your ex, she's still your daughter, not him (whatever his power over her at the moment).

I realise this is very emotive thread for people. But whats missing for me is some practical account of what's happening. For example, are you of your family in physical danger, are there threates being made etc.

When there is alot of fear and emotion it can help to step back and write out the actual facts of what has happened. Then you can seperate those from the perception of the facts. If this man is playing mind games, it's your fear and perception he is playing with. So to seperate things out like this takes away sopme of the effect he has on you and will enable you to think more clearly.