Relationship Girlfriend Of Combat Veteran With Ptsd

[Lmarie]

Hi, so I've been in a relationship with him for over a year, and I feel lost. I wake up in the morning, and ask myself how am I going to make it through the day without breaking down.

When I first meet him he was great, loving, affectionate, sensitive, everything you can think of, but slowly things have changed. He is distant, cold, isolated, not affectionate, pretty much everything he was when I meet him no longer exist. He is someone I do not know. I feel as if he does not feel.

I am deeply in love with him, and want to support him. But he tells me he wants his space to work on himself, and cannot give me what I need in a relationship. I understand that he cannot provide me with what is considered a "normal" relationship, but I don't want to accept that. I want to remain next to him, offering support regardless how lonely, unloved I feel.

I know I need to work on how his PTSD effect me, but what do I say to him if he does not want me there? Any recommendations on what information I should research that will help me with how I'm feeling lonely, unloved? anything would help.

I just don't know what to do.

 

[celia]

Hi Lmarie,
You know, what you are feeling is very real. I am going through it too. I miss him everyday. Don't understand how they can reject love, when love is what heals everything. I heard a quote the other day (during my searching for answers time)-

Being offered a gesture of love is like being offered a portion of God.

So where do we go? How do we keep on loving someone as they are no matter what their need is when we can't have it returned?

I know how you feel Lmarie, we want the guy we met in the begininng. We ask ourselves, what did we do for him to have to take time away to find out what they want and where did my loving charming handsome, smart, affectionate boyfriend go? We were just in love a few days, months, ago.

I am stuck here trying to be good, peaceful, faithful, hopeful for a miracle but then I'm freezing my life from moving forward because my heart is broken. There's no one who understands...and I often feel like a fool. I don't want to take the chance of him returning and then disappointing him or make him feel bad that I moved on. I also don't want to lose the chance of being with a wonderful guy I once knew and that once loved me like no other.

One thing I know , I fall into a trap of feeling worthless, unwanted, scared, alone, broken , and beat myself up for mistakes I made when I was naive to PTSD. Time will eventually heal. It is completely alright for us to allow ourselves, the days to be in our room, shut the world out and cry . We are also responsible for getting out into the world and making positive things happen for OURSELVES. We are loveable just as we are and we are good people. I constantly have people giving me signs that I'm a good , loving woman , and I deserve the best.

Lmarie, my heart feels just like yours right now. Don't give up on yourself and at the same time don't give up on love. I will try to do the same. Its very difficult and some days are harder than others.
You take care and keep finding peace within.

Celia

 

[woo-sah]

I can relate.

Having a very similar situation, I cannot offer any answers. I can only share in what you are feeling. My heart is with you. I can also validate that, despite what your (my) mind is saying, the heart cannot be persuaded with the same logic.

It is repeatedly advised for us to take care of ourselves (thank you all for all the great advice, by the way). I have done this by beefing up the beauty and exercise regimen, having deeper conversations with friends and family, beautifying the house more, and purchasing a few treats for myself. I wish I were eating better, but my apetite has taken flight.

I have also been searching within in order to, regardless of how things go with him, take something from the whole experience: self-improvement. I am learning to have a deeper respect for emotional health. I am reading more and more about what a healthy relationship is, things which should be obvious, but that I have not been living, not ever. And the more I study, the more my mind says “yes, that is perfectly logical. That is what a healthy relationship is and your relationship is not that. I will now move on and be perfectly content and fulfilled either being single or with someone else. No problem.”
But then…

There is something that will not release me. I am haunted by the way he was so loving and into this, and then abruptly, with no warning, was suddenly gone. No contact. No explanation that made sense in comparison to how he behaved just shortly before that.

I know that reaching out to him only pushed him farther away. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time, but now see that I was perceived as an intrusion. Oops. He wants to go through this alone. For my own sake and for his, I must let him. It is an exercise in discipline to release him when he needs me to, while being compassionate if/when he surfaces.

Is it fair to me (you)? No. Are my needs being addressed? No. Would I actually resolve to live that way if I had the opportunity? I really don’t know right now. What I do know is that, even though this is bad for me, I will build stronger resolve and restraint. That will be good for me (you).

I don’t mean to make this about me. I just wanted to share that in case you can take anything from it which might bring you peace.

 

[Lmarie]

Celia,

Thank you for your kind words. I've been trying to remain hopeful, and work on myself, although my schooling is added stress. I must remain focus, or at least attempt too. I know how it feels that you cant reach out to others because they don't understand, and I spend many days feeling like a fool as well.

But I do know that I love him and that is what keeps me here. I hope you have better days.

Leila

 

[Lmarie]

I can relate.

Having a very similar situation, I cannot offer any answers. I can only share in what you are feeling. My heart is with you. I can also validate that, despite what your (my) mind is saying, the heart cannot be persuaded with the same logic.

Thank you for sharing your feelings and similar experience. I know its hard to let go of someone you care about, and the memories you hold on to. I know it is a unpleasant experience to have to go through, but i do know that the memories i shared with him, keeps me from moving on. I know i need to work on self-improvement.

Allowing him space is warranted, so I've given him that. Not sure what will happen.
Leila

 

[lanagirl28]

Ah, I'm still in the same situation. I am so hopeful for you! Keep in there. I truly believe in women's intuition, so that's sort of how I retain any hope at all. I know there's the other site, mycombatptsd, but I've often thought that it would be great if there was more communication on some sort of boards between the significant others and the men on the other side (when they're willing ;)) of combat PTSD because it seems most of these situations are very similar and these situations can be different as the men are also dealing with things stemming from how they were trained in the military.

I just wish sometimes we could hear more directly from the men who either are experiencing similar situations or have worked through them and are at a further point. Plus we are sort of a newer generation as there are so many combat veterans returning home with PTSD. Anyways, sorry I'm rambling!

I think it's so important that we give them the space necessary and woo-sah, I agree that this is a test in discipline as sometimes I pried too much just because I was so eager to be there for him. This has definitely been a lesson in being able to let go more often... It's a lesson I wanted to learn in order to improve my relationship I just didn't think I'd learn it in the midst of our sudden break up. I wish all of us the best, I really do! And our men!

 

[woo-sah]

Lanagirl, I agree that it would be great to hear more from people who have experienced the other side of this. Sometimes they are kind enough to share, and that helps so much. There are so many common symptoms and effects of PTSD, and so much common confusion and misunderstanding on our end.

Hope you all are doing well, taking care of yourselves and filling your days with as much joy as possible. At all times, please make sure to love yourself.

I have to tell you how much I admire your dedication and ability to remain hopeful. It speaks volumes for your character and loyalty. I can't pretend that I don't have any hope at all (I mean, I am here), but I am at the same time allowing more and more space for recovery and grieving.

If things do work out with these guys, they will be so lucky to have you. Lucky that you didn't just give him the finger and go on your merry way. And if not, their loss will be another fortunate man's gain, I assure you.

It's now been two months since he began to drift away. As I notice that I am finally feeling okay with this, I hope that he has also been healing. I feel selfish sometimes when I think about how I whine and cry because of my loss, when that is only one pain. He has a mountain of burdens to sort through and process. I reserve my hope for him, praying that God speaks to him in very deep ways to pull him through.

Best Wishes.

 

[HopeForever]

I can't offer advice, but just that I know what you are feeling and going through. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since I've seen him, 2 weeks without any communication. Its sooo hard, especially because he's the most loving, sensitive sweet man I know..who loves and adores me for me. I think that's why he's being so distant because he wants to protect me..in his eyes, he's not the person that I see/love. It just totally stinks, doesn't it?

 

[HopeForever]

There is something that will not release me. I am haunted by the way he was so loving and into this, and then abruptly, with no warning, was suddenly gone. No contact. No explanation that made sense in comparison to how he behaved just shortly before that.

This is exactly how I feel..this "haunting" feeling that I can't shake.

 

[Lmarie]

Sarah,

I understand exactly how you are feeling:(. When the night falls, I realize here comes another day without him being apart of my life, and it's a painful feeling. He also is the most loving, sensitive guy I've known, and he has told me that he has become someone he does not know/like. I do know that he does seek counseling at the VA, so I remain hopeful because he holds my heart, and I have to educated myself by reading up on PTSD. I hope you can find some semblance of happiness throughout the day, because I know I try.

 

[woo-sah]

I hope it doesn't come to this for you gals, but if it does:

It does get better with time. My mind is beginning to win the debate with my heart. My self-esteem is finally returning back to normal levels. Hanging out with friends and family has been the only thing that leaves me in a good mood, so I'm now doing that as much as possible. It's difficult though, because part of me wants to sit around by myself and mope. My appetite is returning, with a little help from some protein powder from the exercise-nut store.

I let myself pout and grieve, indulging in any of the kooky ideas that came around. Sometimes, there was the familiar physical pain in my chest, and sometimes a panic that came over me (usually in the middle of the night or upon waking up in the morning). I'm very embarrassed to admit that, not a minute went by that he was not in my thoughts. It does irritate me because I know that this is not the case with him. But again, he's got his traumas to cope with.

While I'm not even close to considering dating again, I have been constructing a list of standards for anyone I might get involved with in the future. My friends have helped me and it's been fun for all of us. I'll share some snippets:

Physical Standards:

• No snoring over 25 dB
• No crappy tattoos (cool tattos are fine, of course)

Lifestyle/habit/emotional Standards

• No outstanding warrants for arrest
• must be intellectually stimulating (at least a little bit)
• sorry to say, no PTSD

Optional Features

• takes my picture without me asking
• good speller
• unsolicited massages;)

You get the idea. It's been fun and I hope that I stick to my new standards. I also have a list of my own characteristics that I want to change. That one's more of a chore and less fun, but a must.

Hope that brings you all out of the funk for a minute. Best Wishes.

 

[Tinyflame]

Celia, your quote before about love is beautiful. But I think it's safe to say most sufferers don't feel lovable, by God or anyone else. Also, it's very common to have difficulties trusting God or 'communicating' after trauma. Or hard to reconcile it with a 'loving God', etc (for many people).

Plus when trying to survive, it doesn't feel like wine and roses, even with the most loving or forgiving partner. :(

Good for you Woo-sah, best wishes to you.