Relationship Girlfriend Of Combat Veteran With Ptsd

[myvetswife]

My hubby and me are married for nearly 20 years now. We went through really bad times. I had to safe his live more than once. Just berfore the last time I splitt up with him. Could not handly it anymore. He became an inpatient and realised he was having problems.He started working on himself.

These days he doesn't take medication. He is out of therapy. He talks a lot more about his feelings. And he can tell me most of the times when his mood changes and why. Of course there a still days (!!) where he kind of falls back. But he is willing to pull himself out.

If they really want to, they can make it.

 

[celia]

Dear myvetswife,
This is a huge sign of hope for me. I can't sleep tonight. Woke up came to my computer and your email was there with an Angel like message. I miss him. Thank you and congratulations on 20 years.
I'm sure you had a lot to do with his recovery / road to recovery. Peace and love!

 

[SammyJ]

I'm new to this website as well, and I just read through all your posts, and found them very helpful. My boyfriend does the same thing, and its to the point where I just feel lost and frustrated. Last night we were having an amazing conversation and laughing, and then within a minute he was very moody and kind of shut off. He appeared to be mad at me and brushed if off as something we could talk about later, and I have no idea what happened. I know in my heart there was nothing I said to warrant him being mad, but I still feel really bad. I also find that he has trouble letting go of past issues/fights and constantly reverts back to them and becomes upset all over again. Do any of you go through that? I dont know how to get him to let go of past fights and just focus on the present.

 

[celia]

Hi Sammy J,

Yes, this is common. Letting go and being able to not hold a grudge and forgive has definitely been a challenge on his end of the relationship, although he has said and done rude things to me in the past...I am always doing the forgiving and the forgetting (somewhat). This can be really difficult.

I have to make up for whatever has happened 10x...and then walk around feeling like an awful unworthy person. I felt watched and judged all the time.

How do we love them despite this? I can't figure it out!

I'm not in a relationship anymore, he's been on a deployment for 3 months and he cut me off completely. He's due back in 18 days and....I've given up any hope of him contacting me. Which may be just as well because I know it will be a trust issue from my side...who does this to people. Just cut them off and forget about you?

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

Lots of peace to you,
Celia

 

[SammyJ]

Hey Celia,

I'm sorry you're no longer together, and i cant imagine the anxiety you must be feeling with him returning so soon. From what i've learned, they never forget about us, it's just easier for them not to deal with the situation at all. Maybe its for the best that you two go your seperate ways, but if he does try to approach you-at least hear him out. maybe he has something that will help you heal your hurt.

My bf and I have been together about a year now, and its tough. some days its sooo amazing, and then its literally like a flip of a switch. After last night he's been okay so far today, but still acting a little distant.

 

[hopeforhealing]

I too am a girlfriend of a combat vet with PTSD. He recently (in June) retired from the Army and moved where I am. His official retirement did not come until Sept. however. It has been quite the struggle for me. It has been over 500 days since there was any intimacy in our relationship. I am hanging onto the memories of what we once had. He is withdrawn and "numb"... I am searching for information and or support groups to better understand. Today he started school. Going back to college, as his job in the army does not translate to the civilian world. It looks like I am not the only one dealing with this... but not being married, there is no support or group. :(

 

[Myndi]

Ok, Here is my story. and a tip or two.

I met my boyfriend a little less than 2 years ago. I fell in love with him at first sight. He told me about being in the war and what he does now etc. We dated for about a month, it was mainly physical. He intimidated me and I felt he had a huge wall of ice built that was not going to melt away. I wanted him so badly that I didn't mind the relationship just being physical and on his terms and his terms only. (he's that handsome) But after a month maybe a little over, he just left me. No calls, texts, emails..nothing. I was sad, I knew it in my soul he was meant for me. after a month or so I got back with an Ex and we tried it again for ten months and I just couldn't stop thinking about MY VET. I needed him but the way he was able to throw me away seemed so easy for him it scared me, he even deleted me from FBook.

After my relationship status changed back to single (ten months) he sent me a message. It was like no time had went by to him. He didn't grasp how he made me feel. He mentioned dating and actually being boyfriend and girlfriend. I told him I was terrified of him but also that a day didn't go by that I didn't think of him. So we have been in a relationship for 5 months now, not very long but we have spent soo much time together. He admitted to having the PTSD and I am in healthcare and have also struggled with anxiety and depression, so I instantly felt relieved that it wasn't anything I did wrong, I was good enough, smart enough and Beautiful enough. He admitted that I was starting to melt the wall of ice and it scared him.

These men that do these amazingly wrong things for US, for our families, for our rights, for our freedom, for our country feel inadequate. They feel undeserving of love and compassion, some soldiers go years and years training and learning and depending on survival, they lose that love, mercy, and compassion because that's what gets them killed. I never ask him questions and NEVER EVER PRESS YOUR VET. He will come around and open to you when HE feels it is time. There are often times I can sense him getting distant, I don't complain, I say "I understand" or "I love you" or "i'm always here" and that is it. He will soak that up and be like oh man, she doesn't deserve this. They lack compassion so we need to show Extra compassion.

They feel undeserving, so WE must make them see they are deserving of our love that they did what they had to do to survive, to come back to us. Because that was God's plan. So there is compassion in you to be willing to sacrifice yourself for your family and for the rest of our country. Mine also mentioned that he should have died over there. I simply say "Nooo way! If you were meant to die, you would have, God has plans for you. Your meant to make us a fun happy life!" Every day is a battle for them inside their minds! So keep your VET busy :)

P.S. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!!!! THIS RELATIONSHIP TAKES A VERY VERY STRONG WOMAN!!! PRAY PRAY PRAY!! YOUR ARE BEAUTIFUL SMART AND A HELLUVA GAL!!

 

[twopenny]

I'm in a slightly weird position, because I know exactly how it feels to go through everything that you're all describing, and more, as the wife of a former soldier who has combat PTSD, but I also know (as well as anybody can, since we're all different), what goes on in the head of a PTSD sufferer, because I have it too, although mine is from childhood.

My hub and I were already living together when he started to show really bad symptoms, so he couldn't just cut me off completely in the way that he could have if we'd lived separately, but there were times when his body was in the bed next to me, but HE was nowhere in sight. He locked me out... he tried to hurt me (both consciously and not, physically and not)... there have been months on end where he was just a different person. He once accused me of 'constantly pawing' him for trying to give him a hug.

It's taken a long time, I've made massive mistakes along the way (pressing when I shouldn't, questioning when I shouldn't, etc), but he's worked really, really hard to get better, and he's doing really well now. He's just had a bit of a blip due to redundancy, and we still get the regular 'something good's happened so now things are going to go boom' attitude, but it's so much better than it was. I also still get the 'you never signed up for this', the 'you'd be better off if I were dead', the 'I don't deserve you', the 'go on then, leave, that's what you want to do anyway'.... but not as often.

We've now been together for 18 years (as of next month), and we're not in any immediate danger of splitting up, so things can work. It's really not easy, but then what is?

The trouble is, since I'm now becoming more self aware, I'm realising that I do a lot of what he does. My spells of being cold and distant aren't as long or sustained as his, but they're just as cut-off. they usually happen either when I can't cope with my own emotions, so I subconsciously shut them off (even the good ones), or when I feel like I'm not good enough, or not deserving of him - when I feel like I'm being a burden, and he really would be better off without me, so I'm half-heartedly trying to make that happen without actually making it happen (if you see what I mean). Also when something he does triggers me (whether I know it has or not), and I'm actually reacting not to what he's said or done, but to something that happened 30 years ago.

Anyway, in short, I know exactly how you feel, because I've been there, more times than I can remember, but if you can find a way to hang on, and to deal with it, then there is light at the end, things can get better, but only if you both work at it. I found learning to try not to take things personally worked for me. And to talk through things after they'd calmed down, and explain how it makes you feel, even if that wasn't his intention. and giving space - encouraging his interests if he's well enough to have them. encouraging him to spend time with friends without you, if he can.
Making it clear at the same time that you don't know how he feels, because you're not going through the same thing, but that you know it's bad, and not entirely about you. (That last bit now strikes me as fairly heavily ironic in my situation, because I've apparently had PTSD longer than he has, so I really did know!)

Sorry, rambling now so stopping.

 

[NewWife777]

Wow! I see pieces of my relationship in all of these posts. I've been married for two months to a vet with combat PTSD and a TBI. I was the one who initially told him to get help. He went to the VA and he was diagnosed with a TBI as well as PTSD. He is on medication, but won't go to therapy. I love him so much and want to be there for him in every way.

It's hard though because he pushes me away. I am learning to not press him as hard to tell me how he feels. But I seriously miss the physical closeness. If he had his way he would never touch me. I'm the one who greets him in the morning with a hug or I'll reach out to him with a kiss when he gets home from work. If I get upset and start crying he tells me my tears don't affect him. I can't talk to him about my feelings because he shuts down. To the outside world he puts on a normal facade and everyone thinks he is fine. I am so glad I'm not alone, and that there are other people going through the same thing.

 

[felicia]

Goodness ladies. Are we all dating the same man? Well I guess mine is now over but everything said here I have gone through. I just wish I knew why they are so loving and caring at first and than turn in to machines with no emotion. If they knew they were cold hearted why did they get involved with us in the first place? My heart goes out to all of you ladies. You will search and search for answers but so far there is no cure. I'm sorry to say it but there isn't. Maybe one day in the future there will be. Best wishes to all of you.

 

[nmdayton]

I'm so glad I'm not alone! Dealing with my boyfriend of 5 years can leave me feeling crazy and irrational and doubting myself at every turn. When we first got together he was so caring and affectionate, he would drop anything for the opportunity to spend a few more minutes with my son and I. He was easiest person to talk to and never judged me for anything I would say. A year and a half before we met my husband was killed in combat and he (the bf) really helped pull me through the worst of it and made me feel loved and safe and so easily took on the role of the only father my son has ever known. I can honestly say he became my best friend and I will never be able to put to words just how much he taught me during those first few years. But the last two years it's like someone flipped a switch. I got a job working nights and he cheated on me, and ever since, he is everything I'm reading here. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and his symptoms line up with the research Ive done but I can't believe that the PTSD just kicked in magically at that time after he had been out of the army for 3 years. I can't believe that my forgiveness and attempts to understand have only led to more betrayals (while not on the same scale) and more emotional withdrawal. When I try to honestly confront the situation he either shuts down completely or everything gets turned around on me and I'm the one apologizing and feeling beaten down.

Now here I sit, 2 weeks away from having our baby boy and he's off somewhere "hunting" . I don't want this part of the relationship to ruin the friendship we built years ago. He is a wonderful father to my son and seems to be able to keep it together for him and be there but not for me. I just can't reconcile that. How come he can put his family, our son, alcohol and his friends first in life but I'm expected to be satisfied with coming second to anything and everything at a given time. Was all that love I felt in the beginning just an act? When I ask if he still wants to be committed I get "I'm here aren't I?". Very reassuring. I guess that's as good as "Of course I do! I love you! What am I doing that makes you question it?"… which is the response I would like to hear in my fantasy land where all men read minds and I have a pet unicorn that poops money and diamonds.

I guess Im just wondering how much of this can actually be put on PTSD and how much of it may just be that he doesnt actually love me anymore. They kind of seem to look the same and sometimes people just fall out of love. I find myself thinking that the PTSD and his avoidance of all conflict is actually the only thing keeping him here.

This is all just so not what i want for any of us. I want us all to find the paths in life that lead to happy places, even if that means were not getting there together.

 

[LostMarineGF]

After a recent blow up with my boyfriend, this is the first time I have gone hunting online to find a support group. Reading this was the first happiness I have felt in days. The last few days have been filled with so much emotional pain, and psychological abuse. I am so glad to know I am not the only one feeling this way! I don't have anyone to talk to that knows what its like.