Grief And Trauma, No Way Out

[Omnia vincit amor]

Thank you so much. I feel actually very lost now. My therapist is on vacation and I am alone in my mother's house to think.
Sure you understand that there is nothing that would give me peace at the moment.

All the memories are coming up and everything good past except the horror that is always fresh and present.

I am so grateful for having this possibility for exchange of feelings and thoughts. I feel you who help me so close to me.

 

[Omnia vincit amor]

Namaste,
I am terribly sorry for what you had suffer. I often think that, in spite of all other opinions, there is a hell - and it is here.

Take care
Omnia

 

[DharmaGirl]

Omnia, I also believe that we chose our circumstances and reincarnate. I don't know why I would have chosen this, I have tried to kill myself in March and May of this year, and I was hospitilized twice in July. I feel for you and where you are. My T used to tell me that I would get to a point where I no longer wanted to kill myself, and I didn't believe him, but now I see that even though I want to hit the restart button, my friends and son and mom would be injured by my acts.

I didn't even know I had PTSD until I started having flashbacks in my 50s. I am going through therapy and hope to recover. I hope you can too and I hope you continue to message here so we can support you.

 

[Omnia vincit amor]

Monster, you must have had a horrible time this year. I am terribly sorry for the crises you went through. It seems you are coming back, your loved ones need you. Never forget that.

My God, I miss my mother and my son so much.

Omnia

 

[Omnia vincit amor]

I have a question to the group

Reading my hospital notes, I have found repeated comments from my ex-T that I want unconditional love or symbiotic relationship (this was used to support the personality disorder theory).

I believe that somewhere inside we all want this ideal love but we learn to live in the reality and make the necessary compromises. In addition we have our healthy borders to keep our integrity.

How I feel now, that going through all of this, being injuried so much, I have lost my protection.

Either someone should love me how I am, what is left from me, in spite of the fact that he or she can not expect anything back, because I have nothing to give or I rather be alone.

Yes, I don't want to be hurt anymore, I want unconditional love even if I know that it does not exist here on the Earth pane.

How do you feel about it? Do you have similar thoughts?

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Omnia, welcome to you. :)

I am sorry for your losses, and the great pain it brings, and all that you have gone through. :( :cry: I wish you comfort and peace.

I, myself, do not believe in reincarnation- at least, as I told someone once, I must be on 'life #1" for all I don't understand! But I respect your beliefs, and encourage you to cling to the path that seems right for you. I have, however, been through multiple deaths (but not of a child), and been the care-giver repeatedly (personally, and now often in my work), from an early age up. For me, I believe we always make choices- in the here and now. You could have chosen to not be there, but you didn't. You chose to be there. One day the happy memories will overpower the negative pain and loss. They would not be losses if you didn't love so much in the first place.

As regards unconditional love, I think your assessment of the reality of it's presence (or absence) is fair, we as humans are rare to exhibit (consistently) entirely unconditional love. I think, however, true love- that is genuine, selfless, patient, etc, can exist, though rare. But you gave it, also, to your mom, etc, so you know it exists.

I do not think having ptsd (in your case) means you would require someone to love you 'unconditionally'- you are probably extremely lovable, I think. :) But I realize, that when one's defenses are down, when you feel broken, it feels very unlikely anyone else can accept that, let alone find 'it' (the person) lovable.

But you are doing better than you 'feel' you are, if you can see that as a possibilty. Try to be kind to yourself, and choose carefully good people who value you, because you are very special. :)

 

[Omnia vincit amor]

Thank you Junebug for your warm response.

Unfortunately my belief ''system' is not at all strong, I just started to contruct it for myself during the past year and I fall regularly into holes, where nothing else exists only the here and now. That means only pain, hopelessness, guilt and horror and there is only one way out of it.

I believe in the freedom of choice, but how can I believe that such a thing could happen without a reason. So many coincidences - the probability is close zero, that is why the investigations were closed only 6 weeks ago.

I told in the hospital that my love to my son is something special, but they corrected me that mother's love is not unconditional and what I was talking about does not exist.

Still for me this thin rope to him is the only thing that holds me back from falling into insanity. I try to focus on him not to see the horrible pictures.

I have people around, but I somehow do not feel what I am supposed to do towards them, and I feel guilty for that as well.

I do not know whether love is a possibility as I do not think that I am able to feel it ever again. A psychiatrist was talking about it to me as the most important feeling to heal others, that is why I started to think about it.

Sorry if I am confusing, but I am not able to sleep and my thoughts are all over the place.

 

[Whitneys story]

Omnia, The loss of your family is horrendous. The visions are still fresh and will lesson with time. I feel you are trying very hard to overcome all of this. Considering the investigation was only completed six weeks ago I feel you really have not been able to go through the stages. Your loved ones would not want you suffering like this. So many times our grieving gets lost in our search for justice. Please allow yourself to grieve. Visualize them in good times. The healing of loss does not mean we forget them. Let your tears flow. I am surrounding you with love and peace for your journey. ((((((((((Omnia)))))))))) Soothing warm hugs, Whitney

 

[Whitneys story]

Omnia, My comment regarding your question would be that unconditional love is possible. I also know, we have to know love in order to give or recieve it. I feel you have misplaced yours, allow youself to renew it. Our minds are a powerful tool. Try not to let fear control your emotions. Hugs Whitney

 

[Whitneys story]

There is a hell - and it is here.
Omnia

Hell is where ever we allow it power.

 

[Omnia vincit amor]

I was thinking a lot about your comments and answers . I am so grateful to get inspirations and support from you.

I am feeling very down and I am sorry if I do not respond appropriately.

I was thinking also about reincarnation and think in a way everybody has right, even if one believes in it, our focus should be the here and now. You are unique and you as you are now will never come again. So in principle you have only one chance.

What can you do when you see no future and you are only struggling every day?

I feel as grief and trauma would run parallel or together. Grief I know already far too well, it is eating up your soul. Trauma seems to be eating up your brain as well.

How to be grounded when you do not have any ground anymore? My art therapists asked me to paint a a ground as well to my figures but I told him that I can not, it would feel artificial.

I respect and appreciate all of you, who have managed to get back or to have a life again. I do not see anything in front of me.

Tomorrow I meet my T, I am sure he was hoping that I got better during his vacation. He is a human being as well and has his limits.

I would love to have someone, who tells me everything will be fine, like when I was I child. On the other hand, now I know that it would be a lie.

 

[Whitneys story]

Omnia, I do not feel there is a set answer as recovery is different for everyone. Your last sentence tells a lot
about you. You know the journey will not be easy but it is possible. There are so many people here that at some time started where you are. Your most positive action has already begun, you are here!

Have you read the article on "Emptying the Cup" it puts things in perspective as to why you see no future. Your entire being has been devastated. Writing a diary or posting helps to bring things into perspective.
You so deserve to get above all of this. Allow yourself to feel it. Separating past programing/control into matters which you can control (act rather than react) which will slowly bring new awareness.

You also said you know grief, but one must also grieve to heal. I wish you clarity in your journey! Hugs Whitney