Healing From Torture

[PTSD sufferer]

"Horror" is what I call this feeling. It's a mix of terror and the anticipation of the pain. And helplessness. Also, um, there's the awareness that the person who's about to hurt me is really enjoying me feeling this way.

I absolutely agree Angel, its all intertwined for me too. Very well articulated.

I felt very fragile all this week after disclosing for the first time some details to my Psy, feelings of shame and that he must be disgusted, alternating with denial, as some of you described already.

This is my experience too. It is hard to come to terms with, and hard to expect others not to judge. I haven't really been able to go over it much since the first time with my dot points because of the shame, guilt, and fear I feel. But I know that I am not judged by my T and P.

You have done really well to talk about it, and it might help to remind yourself that what others think does not matter, what you feel and whatever helps you on you path to healing is what is the only thing that is important. You are made of amazing and strong stuff, and no storm can stop you from growing and seeking the healing sun, no matter what the weather.

 

[Hashi]

Does anyone else feel like their brain's being rearranged while they work on this?

I said one thing about it in T this week, and afterwards I felt like everything was moving inside my head. Which sounds good - of course I want things to change - but it didn't feel good. I've had a somatic therapy - craniosacral therapy - and it helped me so much, but I never liked this feeling of my mind being messed with, even in a good way.

I think it's adjustment to letting this be real. I had selective amnesia for years, and although I've already talked about it in therapy and accepted it a little, there was something about talking this week that made it real on a deeper level. I felt almost like I was causing it, by remembering it. I don't know if that makes sense if you haven't had amnesia, but immediately after what happened I made a deliberate decision to "make it go away, make it never have happened". That's what I actually said to myself. (I was an expert at making things unreal, had been doing it since I was very young.)

Now I feel like I'm making it heppen, by allowing that it did. Talk about having your mind messed with.

 

[shell]

I think it's adjustment to letting this be real. I had selective amnesia for years, and although I've already talked about it in therapy and accepted it a little, there was something about talking this week that made it real on a deeper level. I felt almost like I was causing it, by remembering it. I don't know if that makes sense if you haven't had amnesia, but immediately after what happened I made a deliberate decision to "make it go away, make it never have happened".

I totally relate to this, I blame myself all the time for all the memories that come back, that I am making it happen, that it's all my fault I am going through this. It's part of my denial I think, that if I am to blame then I can make it go away, make it not real, make it disappear, like it never was? Was it?

Adjusting to the acceptance that my reality wasn't real, that it never was, has been the hardest thing to come to terms with, you hear about these things happening, but that's to someone else, isn't it?

 

[angel2write]

Does anyone else feel like their brain's being rearranged while they work on this?

Yes. And they're the hardest memories to work on. I feel like I can't get my head to hold still. I try to describe what happened, and it's like I become incoherent. It's like I can't wrap my mind or my mouth around it. Or the emotions come back so big it's like a tidal wave and I can't contain it. I end up having to damp them down to try and talk at all.

Most of the time it seems unreal. Like you said, shell, like it happened to somebody else. But if I see something in a movie or dream about it or try to talk about it in a way that really brings it back... I don't know how to describe it. It's weird, frightening, overwhelming and painful... my whole body hurts.

I have managed to write about it some on my trauma diary, but when I try to talk about it to a person (like my husband or therapist) I can't talk enough to make them understand. I can only give bare details- one or two things- and not enough to make them understand what really happened to me.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

I think it's adjustment to letting this be real. I had selective amnesia for years, and although I've already talked about it in therapy and accepted it a little, there was something about talking this week that made it real on a deeper level. I felt almost like I was causing it, by remembering it. I don't know if that makes sense if you haven't had amnesia, but immediately after what happened I made a deliberate decision to "make it go away, make it never have happened".

I absolutely relate Hashi. I had (possibly still have) dissociative amnesia. It is when our brain decides its best not to remember what happened, so it chooses to block these memories. It didn't help that I lessened what happened and preferred to say that it was just a nightmare. It may have been great if my brain didn't check open one day and the protective wall I had built came crashing down with a flood of memories it prior buried behind it. But, it was necessary to heal. I completely relate!

It's also part of the neurological damage part of torture. We store memories in various parts of our brain, linked by associations (some emotional some visual), and that means when it starts to come out, it can be fragmented until the memories are ordered better and re-filed in the long-term memory. It is horrifying and overwhelming. And, it does re-traumatise. I re-read my earlier diaries of the memories and it sent me into a re-traumatising spiral.

I did recover quicker than last time, but do be kind and patient with yourself. Ground and just let the memories flow out your head and into the universe. Doing whatever you can to keep your stress and anxiety down during this time will keep you on the path to recovery - I know, not as easy as it sounds, but we must try.

I have managed to write about it some on my trauma diary, but when I try to talk about it to a person (like my husband or therapist) I can't talk enough to make them understand. I can only give bare details- one or two things- and not enough to make them understand what really happened to me.

Ditto, Angel, ditto! perhaps their psychology doesn't really want to understand... sometimes, I think it would be better to be naive than to have knowledge, knowing that you can't do anything about what you know. I envy my hubby's naivety sometimes. Although those who have not experienced what we have, cannot understand, we (sadly) have each other to understand. xxoo

 

[Hashi]

I'm preparing for my next T session, and I'm struggling with the revulsion that comes with working on this. I don't know if this makes sense, but I'm afraid of how sick I'm going to feel when I talk to her. It's not because of the nausea in itself but the fear that's in it. It's that terror-stricken, helpless sick feeling that comes from the sinister place where there's no safety and no limits on what can happen.

There's something I can't deal with about my own body having been the "cause" of my horror. I'm not blaming myself - I know I didn't make things that way - but that's how it became. That's how torture is.

Revulsion, revulsion, revulsion.

I'm thinking so hard about how to contain this, how to talk a little while staying safe, that at the moment my session is looking like: 20 minutes setting up safety, 5 minutes talking, 25 minutes grounding, re-establishing safety and reassuring my T that I'm not going to go out and walk under a bus. *sighs*

We've talked about what if I'm actually sick in the session in front of her and she has said it's OK with her. One of the things she does is body psychotherapy, and they see it as purging. I'm thinking I need to see the revulsion as this too. Whether I'm physically sick or not, allowing it doesn't mean allowing it to take over but purging it. At least, that's what I'm trying to think.

If anyone has any thoughts...

 

[Deleted member 14359]

Hashi....sorry you are going through this...

Some people go to T and feel better for going while some feel repulsed and anxious. I am the latter. I hate going, it fills me with so much dread and yes I do have a churn or two in my stomache before I go and while talking. This to me, is all about the shame, guilt and bodily feelings I get when I flashback and disassociate.

I don't know what happened to you but, one thing we all have in common is something dreadful happened to us and that makes us hurt in more ways than one. To heal we must talk, face the fears (and the sickness), process and accept to heal.

I wish you well on your journey.

 

[maddog]

Thinking of you Hashi, and sadly,as so often, I don't have much other than camaraderie and empathy to offer.

The physical sickness factor has flamed to prominence for me even in the last week or two. Flashbacks are coming thick and fast, snatched scattered half images, some of which I can remember and identify, some of which I can't. They are tending to spark shattering nausea and the very very real feeling I am about to pass out. Truly, I spent more than half of my work day on Friday on the floor in the bathroom willing myself not to do either of the above. Sometimes, just trying to engage with the world would trigger the half-remembered whatever that would kick the nausea and dizziness into gear again.

For whatever reason, I am one who seems to struggle with the body memories and physical symptoms a little less in therapy than in the real world. Maybe there is something in the sense of basic actual-time security that I feel in the thereapeutic context, which counteracts some of those symptoms, I'm not sure. That said, we still haven't started the EMDR or the intensive reprocessing - I can't seem to stabilise myself enough for T to go there, and I'm terrified to know what will happen when we do.

Sorry there was no wisdom in this post.

MD

 

[Inspired 2 B Free]

Hashi, for a thread you thought no one would reply to...look what happened!

It is so hard to use the word torture. A very threatening word.

My physical abuse wasn't what I consider torture, but I was made to watch such things. So, I feel I have been exposed to mental and emotional torture. Haunted me through extreme reactions I couldn't understand until therapy.

As the details come forward through flashbacks and nightmares I process them. (through tears, terror and horror as many others have already posted about above)

I am no longer suicidal when processing but there was a long stretch when I was. Then it seemed a better option than reliving it all. I know now it was just a defense because knowing that much terror is devastating. But, the power of the unknown is not as strong as the power of knowing. I continue to get stronger the more I know the full truth.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think, try not to think. Just say it, even if it's just one small thing. Or your worst fear. Or worst fear of even saying it. 'Terror' is more terrifying alone and silent. (((((Hugs)))))

 

[PTSD sufferer]

I do know how you feel Hashi. My memories made me physically sick at home (vomiting and passing out) and I was worried I would do the same after T.

I had to actively think of my goal, and that was getting well. I had to keep reminding myself that was my goal and that talking helps. I had to remind myself that I could get through it and why I would never walk in front of a bus (even though I thought about it often).

I had to logic and positive talk myself like a mantra for a good hour before and after. I held onto my grounding rock and I once threw it against a tree after T. Then went and picked it up and brushed it off, whilst sobbing. Sad, but very therapeutic and a little symbolic of what I needed to do - launch it out there, then pick myself up.

Like JB, I had to just share it. I broke it down into the bite sized piece of just sharing it in some way, anyway.

Good luck Hashi. Let us know how you go and I hope you find some relief as I did, even if it is a little delayed.

 

[angel2write]

Sending support, Hashi... I hope it gets easier soon. At least bearable.

(many hugs)