When Therapists Recommend Staying In Contact With Abusive Parents:

[votedmostcheerful]

My therapist seems to think that all people need their primary caregivers throughout their lives despite the abuse that the parent has inflicted.

True, for awhile, everyone is seeking to get what they couldn't get. After a while of mourning, doesn't one give up and understand that the road always leads to pain?

My mother prostituted me to a man when I was 15 years old. (She is a malignant narcissist). Is this someone I need in my life to be whole? Will I not be able to have relationships because the primary one does not work? Why does my therapist harp on about this? Would she encourage someone to continue relations with a serial killer parent?

I don't understand. Anyone?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

The people you have in your life are yours to choose and not something your therapist should choose for you. She is not walking in your shoes and should only be supporting you not offering her two cents for something that is plainly your choice. Be assertive with her.

When I chose to brake it off with my father my therapist supported me. With time I could tell with his side remarks that he felt it was a good choice. But he never said to 'stay with it' he always said 'do what you think is best'.

I actually saw this as pruning a rose bush. In order for me to grow and heal I had to remove what was hurting me. You do not need toxic people in your life to be whole it does not matter who they are. Bring people into your life that will help you with your journey not hinder it.

Take care of yourself and I wish you the best.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with Ayesha. I think you need to find another therapist. This is about her agenda for you, not healthy in my opinion. I had to cut off contact with most of my family to stay sain. It was a good choice.

I would look for another therapist if I was you. She is not seeing or hearing you so naturally she cannot help you. I would quit her and not go back. I would shop around to find a therapist that sees and hears you and understands you.

I would cut off contact if I was you. Just my opinion based on what you were talking about. I wish you the best in this. Good luck. Let us know how it went ok?

 

[Hashi]

I can't believe a therapist would say this. Firstly, for the reason Ayesha gives. Secondly, IMO it's incredibly bad advice.

What sort of therapist is she? That's not a rhetorical question, I'm wondering if she subscribes to a particular religious or other viewpoint as part of her practice?

 

[Loner]

I am amazed at this too. I'd say find another therapist. I was very reluctant to cut my parents out of my life, I was just so alone and they were all I had, and I believed for a long time that they would change. It wasnt until after I stopped having contact with them that I realized they didn't love me, even deep down somewhere, they just werent capable of it, and they were never going to change. I'm glad my therapist didn't give me the advice yours did, I might of actually listened to it.

I'd say find another therapist. It couldn't hurt, could it? You can always go back to this one.

Also, I have pondered resuming some sort of contact with my family. I don't need them, not by a long shot, but still, I have thought about it. In order for it to be healthy though, I think it needs to be a step taken after a long time without any contact with them so you can heal, and then you go back to them once you nkow youre strong enough to not be affected by all their manipulative and abusive words. No offense, but I really doubt you're there yet, although I bet you will be someday.

I'm sorry for what you went through. My mother was a narcissist. Really nasty confusing person to grow up trying to have love you.

Also, your therapist might be right about needing a primary caregiver, but a narcissist isnt a caregiver, they arent capable of being one.

 

[anthony]

Agreed... smack your therapist and tell them to get a grip on reality. One does not go and put themselves with abusers all because of a biological connection. Should sons and daughters raped by their pedophile fathers keep up relations with them? I don't think so... so I don't get why this therapist has a different view when its a female.

Maybe you should ask her just that!!! Aim a question at her with the abuse coming from a male... see if the answer is the same.

 

[Loner]

I wouldnt ask her anything, I'd just find another therapist. I mean, asking her couldnt hurt, but paying for another session to ask her? Ehhhh, money better spent elsewhere, in my opinion.

 

[votedmostcheerful]

Thank you all! Great advice. My therapist has not actually advised this but hints that the "cut-off" means that I still find her too powerful to handle. I disagree. I wouldn't let a known robber in my home or give them my PIN to my bank account. This is who she is. She believes all good things should belong to her (i.e., people's husbands, her children's lives, her grandchildren, her children's accomplishments and possessions). This is who she is and I accept that.

I have had reconnection with my mother throughout my life and unfortunately she was there for the birth of my children and became very important in their lives. She even convinced me she was a loving mother and grandmother and our family moved 1200 miles to be near her. Slowly but surely the path led to the same thing, her trying to take what is mine for her own pleasure. She began pitting my children against me and playing the good cop in order to be the most loved. I just couldn't believe that a mother would try to take something so valuable to her daughter for herself. I do not feel that she has any power over me but struggle with the unscrupulous methods that she will use that I won't. Also as my boys become teenagers, alcohol and girls will be offered and available in an attempt to win love with no thought of their well being and the consequences. Luckily, we have moved back with a 1200 mile buffer but my boys still visit her once a year for four nights.

 

[kers]

I think a good therapist doesn't express an opinion; their role is not to be an authority on your life--that's YOUR job! A good therapist will help you explore your options and your feelings about each so you can choose what is right for you.

 

[Loner]

Thank you all! Great advice. My therapist has not actually advised this but hints that the "cut-off" means that I still find her too powerful to handle. I disagree.

Also as my boys become teenagers, alcohol and girls will be offered and available in an attempt to win love with no thought of their well being and the consequences.

1. She might be too powerful for you to handle. Thats ok, it doesnt make you weak, it just means she was an important part of your life, you still desire love from her, and she is an incredibly skilled manipulator.Or she might just be too much of a pain in the neck.

2. Narcissists don't do things for love. They have no real concept of love. Think they do, but they aren't capable of it. They do things for admiration, attention, and flattery. She sure seems to fit the bill from your description. My mother molested my brother and I to make herself feel pretty. What pathetic needy broken creatures narcissists are.

 

[votedmostcheerful]

Yes, you're right loner and Bookworm. Thank you for sage advice!

 

[anthony]

I think a good therapist doesn't express an opinion; their role is not to be an authority on your life--that's YOUR job!

I disagree with the first part of that... a good therapist should express their opinion, though not opinionate their life choices / beliefs upon a client. They should definitely provide their opinion in many other areas though... just not all.

I completely agree with your further statement though, "A good therapist will help you explore your options and your feelings about each so you can choose what is right for you."