Relationship Just Need Some Support, Pushed Out By A Combat Vet With Ptsd.

[celia]

Hi,
How does the supporter become suddenly the sufferer?? I'm on two months no contact and he's in Iraq now. I have been filling my time with healthy activities and getting out much much more. I have stopped accepting phone calls from anyone who is connected to him and want to put in their well-intended input. I just can't hear it anymore...everyone is providing assumptions. I appreciate that people want to reach out to me but it seems to open up a healing wound over and over.

Maybe this is how they feel....they don't want to open a wound and when you love someone so much and let them go....returning to the thought of that person or coming accross their footprint somewhere seems to knock me down a few notches emotionally and then I have to spend time healing again.

There's no way I have stopped loving him...but he's becoming a mystery to me now.

My therapist sent me a kind letter today that she has acquired two new patients where they are experiencing the "unexplained leavings"

I/We are not alone and we are not dreaming. This situation definitely exists in huge numbers right now. I always thought....I knew he was just here...he did say he loved me, didn't he? Where did he go? Was he ever really here? Did I imagine love? I trusted it, was I made a fool of? Is he laughing about what a gullible idiot I have been? I could never do this to him, how could he do this to me? (this is the stuff that goes through my head after I have tried to fill my day with "moving on" stuff to do.)

I want to express that I'm grateful for all of your postings in this experience and I am also grateful to God and the universe for showing me answers.

Let's all pull together in positive thoughts that everyone is exactly where we should be and for the highest good for everyone.

Love and healing ,
Celia

 

[lanagirl28]

It really does amaze me how many similar situations there are like this... we are definitely a new generation with more veterans returning than ever and more and more cases of combat PTSD. It really is important for us to band together.

On a brighter note, and I hope this brings you ladies a little peace too - I have had more and more contact with my ex and have even got some answers about his sudden break up and how he felt about it... ONLY TOOK THREE MONTHS :P I had to be so, so patient... something I'm definitely not good at when it comes to things like this but what choice are we being given? I keep hoping/praying times like these are just tests for us to make us stronger women not only for the guys but for ourselves.

My ex has expressed heartache over having had to end things and the way he did and the way he left me feeling but has also acknowledged that he was looking for total isolation and solitude and "felt like he was dying inside" and felt as though there was no other way to find himself or prevent me from hating and resenting him. He explained why I wasn't even allowed to come home to get my things or say goodbye - he couldn't handle it, he couldn't see me and do it, and most of all what he kept getting at is that he couldn't let other people see him like that. This has been such a relief because at first my ex said he wouldn't be having any contact with me again, which just blew my mind. I have been waiting until I felt right with contacting him or pushing him a little bit... It has taken about 4 short times talking until I got something substantial. I definitely feel as though he has been coming out of his shell little by little and I can't push or pull too hard. But when I have a gut feeling that says, "maybe you should try to talk to him today, or just remind him that you're here" I try to go with it, even though it took two months before I had the strength to try to contact him knowing there's possible rejection I could face. And I have, sometimes he's not there to talk or can't or isn't in an open mood. I know it's been a long process but he sent me a message the other day just when I was feeling pretty pessimistic saying he wanted me to know he was fighting everyday to be where he needed to be.

It breaks my heart for these men and for all the significant others... praying for our strength and guidance!

 

[celia]

Thank you Lana! I woke up this morning, feeling like I had dreams about him....I sleep with my phone hoping theres an email. I know all about that gut feeling of wanting to reach out and fear of rejection. I keep getting the gut feeling, email him and tell him ...I love you...just that. I'm afraid. I came straight to my computer and found your message of hope. I'm glad you are experiencing some progress. Your message has started my day on a bright note. Thank you. I don't know if I will try to contact him...I'm so lonely right now though.

 

[lanagirl28]

Celia I'm so glad it did that for you... I was hoping it would really provide some hope. I have some - but I'm a huuuuge believer in women's intuition but that doesn't mean I haven't made myself seriously consider whether I was just being blinded by love/ delusional. But I'm pretty convinced I'm doing the right thing when I follow my gut. I had been feeling like contacting him for weeks before I ever did, even after friends kept telling me just to try to talk to him. But I was way too weak to be able to hear from him or even hear the answers to the questions I had. So I waited until the day it felt perfect... I didn't want him to feel like he could just get off that easy, we were engaged; you can't do that to a girl without even giving her an explanation! So I told him that we needed to talk soon, and asked him to please call or text me when he was ready. :) And left it at that... it was over a week before I even heard back from him but when I did he ended it with "Take care of yourself beautiful, okay?" And I knew he was in there somewhere.

 

[Tinyflame]

How does the supporter become suddenly the sufferer??

My therapist sent me a kind letter today that she has acquired two new patients where they are experiencing the "unexplained leavings"

I/We are not alone and we are not dreaming. This situation definitely exists in huge numbers right now. I always thought....I knew he was just here...he did say he loved me, didn't he? Where did he go? Was he ever really here? Did I imagine love? I trusted it, was I made a fool of? Is he laughing about what a gullible idiot I have been? I could never do this to him, how could he do this to me? (this is the stuff that goes through my head after I have tried to fill my day with "moving on" stuff to do.)

I want to express that I'm grateful for all of your postings in this experience and I am also grateful to God and the universe for showing me answers.

Celia, I come from a different perspective- a woman with ptsd. But it's still the same.

Please don't blame or beat yourself up. The last thing I think is likely he would feel is that he 'played you' or that you are gullible. Even if he is numb, which isn't necessarily the case. More like he fears the first statement in your quote, that he (+/ or the ptsd) will cause just that.

Forget 22, I don't know how your T hasn't had 2200 people with similar 'disappearances'. Though I guess some of us are almost 'born to flee'. That is why it's not your fault. Sometimes I even question whether I will ever be able to stop that, entirely. Like 'Batgirl' posted here years ago, sometimes I could walk for thousands of miles, just 'away', from everything entirely. But (and) unmanaged ptsd, well, that's so much worse. But it's not a question of a lack of love, on the contrary perhaps it's perspective and feeling it's best for all. It's extremely difficult to fight that, I think (for a sufferer), because there's the cognitive part- to try not to believe it, as well as the trust/ vulnerability part, along with not wanting to self-limit someone else, or be a burden. And the better the other person is, the more they deserve a better and much easier, more fulfilling life and future, with someone without ptsd (in a sufferer's mind).

(((((Hugs)))) to you.

 

[Tinyflame]

And really, just to add Celia, I know you've said that you love him, but do you really need to go through this? I mean, do family, friends, SO's, really need this, is it worth it? Am not counselling chucking him, but it's a question only your heart can answer.

 

[Dallas]

Celia, I come from a different perspective- a woman with ptsd. But it's still the same.

Please don't blame or beat yourself up. The last thing I think is likely he would feel is that he 'played you' or that you are gullible. Even if he is numb, which isn't necessarily the case. More like he fears the first statement in your quote, that he (+/ or the ptsd) will cause just that.

Thank you for your perspective Junebug. This is what I've been wondering how he (the PTSD sufferer) feels. I am printing your answer out and keeping it with me so I can remind myself throughout the day. I am having a tendency to think he hates me and is repulsed by me.
Sincerely, Dallas.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear Dallas, unless you had no interest in each other or attraction or relationship with each other, to begin with and onward (basic incompatability), I very much doubt it! In fact, it's more likely that's how he thinks you see him and the ptsd. It astonishes me, how both people often feel, or worry/ fear, the same.

((((Hugs))) to you, I would put that thought out of your mind.

 

[Dallas]

Thank you Junebug

 

[lanagirl28]

Thanks Junebug also just what I needed to hear! :)

 

[celia]

Hi Everyone, I'm back. Thank you all for your support. I feel I have friends here now. I have not been myself the last couple of days. Just been inward but I have been reading your responses. I ran into his mom today by surprise. I think we were both surprised. I was close with her and she DOES know what I'm going through , I haven't been calling her back and wow the universe brought us together today.

I didn't mention him nor did she. I hugged her told her I loved her and I went on my way. I felt that I held my distance and I was quiet. I know she notices my broken heart and the sunshine out of my heart.

What can she say or do? Nothing. She has to support her son and I am ok with that. I don't think she has accepted that there is something just not right. People just don't decide to fall out of love with people. She has told me that he won't be coming back to me upon his return from deployment.

This hurt me deeply and is the reason I have been staying away and not connecting with her. I know she knows what a good person I was to him, I'm not saying perfect. She knows how much I loved him and counted on our future together.

I feel so lost. I'm writing this post but....don't know what to say.

I just wanted to connect with you all.

Thank you for being here.

 

[Spring]

lanagirl,
I read your post - And It is SO SIMILAR to my circumstance. I went through your exact thoughts and emotions - You don't know whether to reach out or to give up. I've been doin' the same thing to help me get through this - Prayer, and lots of it. It's been a month and a half since I last spoke with my boyfriend, and it is so difficult to just get through each day. Please keep us up to date with you and your boyfriend. It truly gives me some small sense of hope for myself.