Need Help Before Something Bad Happens

[hopeless28]

My partner and I have been together for 7 years and he has been suffering with PTSD for the last year and a half and it feels like it is progressively getting worse. He knows he needs help and has finally received it from his work. It took him a while to accept that he needed help as he always thought people with 'issues' were weak. I am one of those people (battled with depression and anxiety ) and it was always difficult to try and explain what goes through my head without feeling that he thought it was unwarranted and a pathetic excuse. Even though now he says he realises and understands, at times it is hard to believe.

He gutted me last night when he wanted to talk about how we are falling apart and he thinks it best if we have time apart. I don't want it but I know I have to support everything he does. He thinks I have changed, that I don't care and basically made me feel like a horrible person and that the breakdown is all because of me. I have done everything I can for this man. I moved my life several times just to be with him, gave up friends, family, careers, everything so we could be together while he did what he wanted to do. I had no problems with this as I support him 100% for defending his country and because I love him and would do anything for him. But to have the person you love the most to tell you it is all your fault for the breakdown in the relationship just absolutely broke me inside.

When he returned from deployment, he was different but not in a bad way. I had a bit of a difficult time while he was away and was on antidepressants for a while. I was trying to do it all myself with no support and had an extremely hard time. Anyway, after a while he said that they had changed me and he wanted me to get off them. So I did. Had to convince my doc that I didn't need them anymore. Same with my phsyc.

He says that I snap at him all the time, don't support him, I prefer to be at work than home, I don't love him and I don't find him sexually attractive anymore. This blew my mind, as this is how I think he is with me. The thing that got me the most was that he thinks I don't love him anymore. I wouldn't still be here and gone through a tough 7 years with him if I didn't love him.

I want to get married, have kids and a life with this man but after what he said last night it feels like he has fallen out of love with me. He hates it when I get upset and doesn't think I should be.

I think I am a trigger now.

He keeps saying that I have to change and that makes me feel I'm a horrible person. I have no close friends here, even though we have been here for 4 years. He doesn't like me going out with work mates and I feel guilty for wanting to have a bit more outside of our house walls. I feel guilty for a lot of things now that I know I shouldn't. I feel guilty for needing support and help, when I didn't experience what he did. I know I should be there for him and it all has to be about him for his recovery. I want this, I really do.

He says he can't support me and himself as it is making it harder for him. I never wanted him to have to support me and hold me up like he says he does, especially when he needs that from me. I never wanted to make things more difficult for him but I do.. I am really conflicted about it though. The help I was trying to get for myself (to help me so I could help him), he thought it was changing me and wanted me to stop it. Now I need it more than ever but don't want to disappoint him. I told him about support groups for partners of PTSD and how it will help me to help him better but he wasn't too keen on the idea.

I don't know what to do without him and I'm scared what one of us might do if it goes that way.

We need help.

 

[BloomInWinter]

While a small bit of this may be worsened by his PTSD, what stands out more to me is what a controlling, manipulative, invalidating person he is.

He is in no position to tell you anything about what you need. His insistance that you stop getting better, stop taking your meds, stop having a life is proof enough that for whatever reasons, he's not interested in your real needs, just manipulating you into changing yourself to his wishes at your expense.

That is not love, that is not PTSD, it is dysfunctional and unhealthy at best.

You're not his trigger, you're his hostage. Pushing you away with all his self-pitying statements will keep you feeling defensive, inadequate, and thusly ensnare you via your empathy.

All you have done for him which has harmed, isolated, disrespected, or otherwise made you suffer for his love isn't required by someone who is truly loving.

While our recovery must come first for us, that is NEVER requiring someone else to put their mental, emotional, or Physical health at risk. Any recovering person who tells loved ones that ISN'T working a program, they're hiding from taking responsibility for themselves.

My best advice is to refuse to take on any of this as your fault. It's not. Call a local women's domestic abuse hotline and speak with them. Many of the behaviors you describe are classic abuse, and you're going to need their information and support to break free.

If he's unhappy, he can move out until he's ready and you're willing to allow him back. Transfer your money to your own accounts, and tell all account places to let you know first before any changes are made.

I wish that I could just be supportive but I don't have any filter anymore for being nice about it when someone is being abused. ...and you are. If you don't get help, you will lose far more than you already have.

Come clean with your doctor, therapist, and a trusted friend about all you have had to hide.

A loving partner NEVER asks or needs a loved one to lie about their health.

I hope you'll take control of your life and save your sanity. He has taken so much of your self away from you. Don't allow him to take one more bit of who you are.

You deserve so much more. You are obviously a loving, caring, dedicated partner. I'm so sorry he isn't healthy enough to appreciate it.

Lizio and Sethe's diaries are good ones about partners like you have...there's many others, too.

I really hope I'm wrong but...well, have been through this a few times on here, and many times in real life.

Al-anon is filled with others dealing with co-dependency. There are meetings all over the word, and it's free.

I'm truly surprised that you don't mention physical violence or at least, intimidation. He has all the red flags of a seriously dangerous person to be in any relationship with. Do you feel safe? If not, safety is job one.

Please speak gently with yourself, tell yourself none of this is your fault...and that happier, healthier times are ahead of you.

Please feel free to reject anything I say which doesn't fit.

 

[piratelady]

I think Bloom has said it very well.

PTSD is not an excuse to treat people the way he has. In all that you are going through, please do not take blame for his actions. If you want to marry him and have children with him, he needs help first. What I read about how he has treated you concerns me, it raises a lot of red flags. Again, as Bloom said - safety first. Please take care of yourself.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I feel guilty for needing support and help, when I didn't experience what he did. I know I should be there for him and it all has to be about him for his recovery.

You should never feel guilty for needing help and support. NEVER. PTSD ... is an ungly thing for the one who has it AND for those whom it affects, namely you. Just because you didn't have the experience he did that doesn't mean you don't feel the effects of it too.

And while I commend you for giving so much of yourself ... I want to stress that a relationship is give and take. You have EVERY right to take what it is you need because it's NOT all about him. You give and give. It's time for you to take.

You are important. Don't ever lose sight of that.

You get the help you need.

And I don't want to kick a dead horse but I have to agree with all the previous comments. This whole situation screams FAR MORE than PTSD. Don't let his PTSD be used as an excuse to treat you like that.

You deserve better.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Hopeless28 I agree with all that Bloom has said. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

I feel guilty for needing support and help, when I didn't experience what he did. I know I should be there for him and it all has to be about him for his recovery.

No it does not have to be all about him for his recovery. He is making it that way. He is controlling and abusing you. He is responsible for his recovery not you. You can support him but that does not mean selling your soul and becoming his emotional prop that he can abuse. That is not helping with his recovery he is an abuser that is not recovery. All he will do is become more and more abusive and controlling, that is not recovery. This man is not heading for recovery at all none of the things he is doing are good for him and they are certainly not good for you.

You do need support and help that is so true. Do you have a therapist?

I don't know what to do without him and I'm scared what one of us might do if it goes that way.

Has he threatened self-harm if you leave him? That again is pure emotional abuse and control. My ex H would do that to me. I separated from my H of 24 years last year, he was controlling, abusive, physically abusive and he implied he would commit suicide. I was terrified he would do it if I left him. He is fine. It was all about control.

All I can say is that I finally found the strength to leave my abusive ex H after years of abuse from him. Like you, I thought I would not be able to survive without him. I felt so useless, so unable to do so many things on my own. I have 3 young kids and, yes it is very very tough, but it is so much better than living under the constant pressure and fear and guilt that an abusive relationship brings. I was virtually shutting down finding I was unable to do more and more things for myself because I felt so useless and I was so down and depressed and stressed and anxious. Now I have been living without him for nearly a year, I know it was the right decision, I can do everything better without him and I am doing more and more for myself and gradually getting my confidence back. Before we had kids, I used to think he was my World, I could never be without him. I feel like I was living a prison sentence and I had become acclimatised to that prison World, once released from that jail, it took some time to realise how repressed I had been in that World but now I out of that prison I could never imagine going back to that life where I had completely lost my independence to my jailer. I really wish I had woken up to what an abusive relationship I was in so much earlier in my life. It would have been so much easier than now.

You might find this link useful: [DLMURL]http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm[/DLMURL]

My p gave me something similar in the form of a pye chart. When I worked out that I could put examples to virtually all of the "signs that you are in an abusive relationship" chart I finally realised that I was actually being abused and I had to get out.

I hope this helps Hopeless28. It is probably sounding so daunting and horrifying but you are worth better than the abuse this guy is putting you through and it is not helping his recovery anyway. This man needs serious help and you are not the one who can do it. Leave that to the professionals. He will just pull you down.

 

[rightkindofme]

You are in a hard spot and I'm glad you came here. There is a lot of good support to be found here. Other people have addressed most of the important bits but I want to say that if you feel worse without medication please go talk to your doctor. Please tell your doctor that you went off your medication because your partner told you to but you can't actually handle it.

I have to be medicated. If someone was pressuring me to not medicate my life would quickly be a mess again. I'm miserable that way. I don't need to be around people who want me to be miserable.

 

[Being Hopeful]

My 2 cents: I am not ashamed to tell people I care about what i go through with PTSD. However, I never want to use it as an excuse: not doing the right thing, being mean to people, trying to curry sympathy. I sometimes have to explain why I went off on someone, why I am afraid to get too close to people, but the bottom line is I am working on it. I am fighting to beat it. And I never want to have the "victim" mentality.

If your man is hiding behind it as a shield and an excuse to hurt you then in my mind (what do I know?) he is not actually prepared to do the work to get better.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with what everyone said here. You are the victim of horrendous abuse. He is using his ptsd to justify himself and the harsh treatment he gives to you. It is just an excuse. He is a very sick and damaged person. You really need to get away from him before he destroys what is left of you. I am sad that this is happening to you. But he is a bully and you are his victim of choice.

It is a very bad situation for you. You are not his slave nor his doormat nor his whipping boy. He really needs alot of help. It would be better for him to hit bottom without you and then mabe there is a chance that he would consider getting some help.

Get out before it is too late. You are not alone. But you will need help and support so call the shelters and start there. Please help yourself. You deserve so much good in your life. You will be ok. Being away from him you will begin to heal. It will be hard because you have so much love for this person. But you will make it. This is my 2 cents. Throw away all of it if it does not apply to you. Big hugs.