Never Had A Meaningful Relationship

[saffy]

I have found this site very interesting. I believe I have been suffering from ptsd for years unknowingly. However, I have for years tried to think positively and be enthusiastic and behave empathically and helpful and tried to think and behave like a normal likable person. Here are a few bits...

There is something about myself that I do not recognize or am aware of but others are seeing. For example, someone said I can be confrontational and I found that a shock because I fear confrontation because of my abusive upbringing.

I have taken drugs of some type since I was about 13. I do not keep in touch with any friends from childhood. I have no friends I feel I can trust totally and I am estranged from all elder family members. I have two children both of which are doing well in their lives and I do not bother them with my problems which are related to this. We have a good relationship but not as close as I would like but it is me because I cannot talk about my emotions or feeling.

I feel I am on the outside looking in. Most of my memories are forgotten or hidden. I feel paranoid most of the time in company and get anxious. I can never feel I can give my opinion in serious discussions. I don't like to hear heated discussions . I can be surrounded by people I know and still feel lonely.

I spend most of my time alone finding new things to do to keep busy. I have never had a meaningful relationship or kept a relationship going past three months the most. I am now 46 and am wondering what is happening. I don't mind my own company probably cos it feels safe, and by doing lots of different things I have less time to think about things. I would like a partner though and to know how it feels to be loved and secure. But just cannot break this long term cycle and pattern of thoughts or body behaviour. What do you think I should do now?

Thanks for reading,
Dawn

 

[Deleted member 1860]

All I can say is *ditto* to your title. It is painful at times wondering each and every step along the way I went wrong. Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Dawn, I can relate about not having any friends. A year and a half ago we moved far away from our community and started over fresh in a new town. I am slowly getting out and about. I will have to go to where people gather together. I need to meet new people and hopefully make new friends over a long period of time.

There is no such thing as instant relationships. I wish you well. Are you in any therapy? I think you would benefit greatly. We cannot heal alone. Best wishes to you.

 

[saffy]

Hi gizmo, I understand that moving to a new area is hard, especially if you are single and trying to go out to meet people. I find that women think I am a threat to their relationship, or groups tend to be very clicky round here, or men seem to think I am a cougar or out for a good time. So I stay in, which is not helping I know but I have known the people from this village for years and still feel like I do not belong or am part of anything or anyone life.

I think people think I am a loner which is far from the truth. I feel I have this massive block on letting people close or accepting people like me for me and not for what they can get out of it.

As for romantic relationships they have been non existent throughout my life. As much as I have two children, which I love to bits, both fathers ran a mile when I said I was pregnant, so I have effectively brought them up on my own with no support. I think I have done a good job in that area, and now they have left home and got families of their own I feel its now time for me. That is where the problem lies.

I feel I must be doing something to repel people or not let them close without realizing it with body action and the way I think about people is all askew and based on nothing really but I cannot let myself be vulnerable in anyway. I have effectively brought myself up running from an abusive stepfather and manipulative mother, which turned me to glue sniffing at 13 and it just snowballed from there.

I cannot remember much about my life as most of it has been blocked by drugs of some sort. If I am clear of drugs I get suicidal because I think too much about why I am so alone without knowing what I have done to deserve this, so It must be my thinking and behavior but I cannot see what others do.

I am not in therapy of any kinds, have been given antidepressants. and as much as I try to tell ask my doctor 'doesn't it seem odd that I have never had a long term romantic relationship or have not got any close best friends' he does not seem to answer like he understands.

I have thought a lot about what I do and it does point to some sort of mental illness, Until now I have never related it to the signs of PTSD either but it seems to make sense. it has been so long term it has become habit or the norm, when it actually is not!

It has helped off loading a bit on here and I appreciate your comments so thank you for that.

I hope you settle in your new place and find quality friends :)

Best wishes to you too :)

 

[saffy]

ps, I beleive that becuase I have always been seen as single people think there must be something wrong with me or it is my choice and Im out for a good time only.

 

[TeaLeaf]

I can identify with your story, abusive childhood, distancing myself from people, not trusting, anxiety, numbing with substances. I strongly recommend therapy for you, you are having some troubles now but I promise you that things can get better. You have done things the way you have your whole life for good reason, because of the abusive upbringing you had, you couldn't trust anyone so you distanced yourself. Your drug use has temporarily numbed the pain but it is not a long term solution, the pain will be there until you process it.

I am not surprised that the doctor did not seem like he answered like he understood. He probably does not know what to say or do. There isn't a pill he can prescribe that will make the pain go away and unfortunately he or she may not have learned to be a good listener. A therapist would be able to be there for you and help you process your pain. I encourage you to give it a try.

 

[saffy]

Thank you Tealeaf I appreciate your words. Can I ask Has it helped you?
To get to see a therapist here I have to go through my doctor and that is proving a bit of a fight, he is quick enough to give me antidepressants though 'sigh'.

Sometimes when I face my fears I do it with my hackles up and on the defensive, which probably does not surprise anyone on here, but when faced with nobody who knows or understands its hard to remain strong and with it without coming across aggresive.

Do you ever just say 'yes fine thanks' when someone asks you if you are ok, when inside you are in turmoil to just be brave and trusting enough to say 'actually no Im not, are you interested enough to sit and listen or are you just being polite?' but then I think I can predict what will happen next and this protective side comes up incase of rejection.

Sitting here reading some of my posts I sound ridiculous but as much as I try and change it that little voice in my head screams NOOOOO ! Im even laughing at myself and tell myself If it was someone else I would really listen and try to help them, so why have I got so many doubts about people even though they have done me no harm?

Saffy

 

[TeaLeaf]

Oh yes, sometimes I say I am fine when I am not. I think I do a quick assessment of who the person is, how close they are and what I think they can handle. I have found that going out on a limb and sometimes sharing things helps to make me feel more connected to people. Even saying, 'Oh, I had a rough day because traffic sucked/I don't feel well/etc" can help you to feel like you are not totally disconnected from people.

Therapy has helped me a lot. I have been going for about 10 years which sounds like a lot but given that I grew up in poverty, endured physical, emotional and sexual abuse, had a mother that had a personality disorder among other psych issues and had an alcoholic father, why wouldn't I be in therapy for a long time?! My parents also met at a mental institution, LOL, and no I am Not kidding!

It has taken a long time for me to be able to trust another person, the first year of therapy, I played a lot of scrabble with my therapist and had lots of small talk and after about 2-3 years was able to trust her enough to really talk about some of the big issues. The thing is, I was so disconnected with my emotions and how I felt that I wasn't even aware of that, I just knew I felt horrible much of the time. About 3 years ago I moved across the country and had to find another therapist, it took about a year to be able to trust her enough to talk about the big issues. Overall, I feel better all the time, I have my ups and downs (downs recently) but I don't feel as bad and for as long as I did years ago. Being able to trust people is an ongoing process. I have a diagnosis of PTSD but I have heard of something called Complex PTSD which is not an official DSM diagnosis but something I feel like better explains my past and symptoms.

Can you be more clear with your Doctor about needing to go to therapy. It sounds like he does not understand that you need it and it would be good for you to keep bringing it up.

Some things that helped me in the process of healing:

1. A book called "Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills workbook". The type of therapy was initially designed for people with borderline personality disorder but is also effective for other diagnoses and trauma survivors. It helps to even out mood highs and lows, be more effective in daily life and be more connected to yourself.
2. "your life after Trauma" radio show, you can listen to it online and listen to archives online as well.
3. making decisions each day, no matter how small. Taking a walk, cooking supper, buying an item of clothing, reading an article online about PTSD. And if I am not sure, thinking about it longer or making the best decision in the moment.
4. Being good to myself. For a long time, I felt like I didn't deserve anything nice, to spend money on myself or think nice thoughts. I felt behind everyone else, like I had to continue to beat myself up and felt that when I was healed, I could do nice things. Those mean thoughts were how other people treated me in my past and I was continuing the abuse in my own head. I learned that doing nice things for myself, especially when I am down, helps me to heal.

Good luck to you, hope some of what I wrote helped.

 

[saffy]

Hi TeaLeaf thank you so much for your post it has really helped, whilst reading it I was either very sad, smiling or encouraged so thank you for that.

I have found that going out on a limb and sometimes sharing things helps to make me feel more connected to people.

I think that is very brave but you are right unless you put yourself out you will never know and nor will anyone else, On my first list is to try at times that I feel safe to be more open. Although I am not making excuses but there never seems to be the right or enough time to engage in serious talk.

Therapy has helped me a lot. I have been going for about 10 years

I dont think that is a lot at all considering the years of torment you had to endure :( but I am so glad it has helped you! I think it would me too :)

In the past I have seen someone but in my head I think they are not here to help they are only here because they are paid to be. It would be nice to have someone there because they want to be not because they have too, does that make sense??

However, now I think in the right settings, I will be able to talk about it and try to change my thought processes to one more positive about myself. I have very low self esteem.

My parents also met at a mental institution, LOL, and no I am Not kidding!

wow, I wanted to both laugh and cry when I read that, sorry it is not funny at all, but a bit surreal, like reading a starting line from a movie. My god growing up in that situation must have been a real mind f*ck to put it to the point and I am not surprised you are having problems, I do beleive in nature Vs nurture though and if it is man made it can be fixed and changed, hope that makes sense. :)

I have a diagnosis of PTSD but I have heard of something called Complex PTSD which is not an official DSM diagnosis but something I feel like better explains my past and symptoms.

I have read a lot about that too and seems to fit my situation too as this status seems to go with people who suffer from long term mental/physical/sexual abuse especially in childhood, rather than something a crash victim or bomb survivor goes through, which is just as devastating but in a different way, hard to explain sorry.

Can you be more clear with your Doctor about needing to go to therapy.

Definately yes, its funny but I found it hard to explain before and hid a lot of the details, which is probably why he does not help in the way I want. However, after many many years research different illnesses ect I have only just seen the connection to my behaviour with my past. it was like a light going on. I also this CBT would help as it is the ingrained negative thought processes about myself and the world that needs changing.

I will also look into the books ect you mentioned as any help I think would be good. I also reecently read a book called Practising the Power of Now by Eckholt Tolle ( www.eckharttolle.com/books/practicing/) and I have found this has helped a lot too. I would recommend it to anyone suffering because of their past.

Best wishes
Saffy

 

[JustBe]

I feel I am on the outside looking in. Most of my memories are forgotten or hidden. I feel paranoid most of the time in company and get anxious. I can never feel I can give my opinion in serious discussions. I don't like to hear heated discussions . I can be surrounded by people I know and still feel lonely.

I spend most of my time alone finding new things to do to keep busy. I have never had a meaningful relationship or kept a relationship going past three months the most. I don't mind my own company probably cos it feels safe,

(((Dawn))) I am so there with you! Outside Looking in is what I called my diary here. I am alone by choice, but wish it was different sometimes. I have sabotaged relationships out of self preservation and or fear.

You are not alone.:hug:

 

[saffy]

I have sabotaged relationships out of self preservation and or fear.

You are not alone.:hug:

Oh yes I can totally relate to that, I have done some really stupid things I totally regret now through sabotage, men in this village now run a mile rather that have a relationship with that 'madcow' lol

But on a more serious note, I too would love a 'soul mate' someone to share my experiences and dreams. Its lovely to sit and watch the sunset but it would be nicer to share it sometimes :) if that makes sense.

Thank you for your post Movin'on

HUGS

Dawn :)

 

[saffy]

(((Dawn))) I am so there with you! Outside Looking in is what I called my diary here.

I might try a diary, do you find it helps?

Saffy (Dawn)