As I read all of these responses, it was almost as if I felt like I could finally catch my breath. So I just kept reading over and over..lol. Thank you all so much. I had no idea that other people understood. For the longest time now, I really thought I was going crazy, that maybe dementia was setting in early.
I have learned a little in the last week. Apparently I need to learn to grieve. I figured that was just automatic, it happens on its own, then you move on. It looks like I was wrong about that.
1 month after my son's diagnosis and after many nights of surgery and hospital beeps and clicks, (sounds that later began to haunt my dreams) and watching poisons being injected into his little body, we found out we were going to have our 5th child. What a joyful celebration in the midst of so much calamity. However, it wasn't long after, that we found out that we had lost our 5th child. This devastated all 6 of us, especially my wife. I had to stay strong though, had to be strong for my wife and my children. I dove head first into finding a cure for my little boy. Somebody had to save him.
A young man from our homeschool group and from church who had been there daily for our other children during all of this was coming over to be with them after they were told their new little sibling had passed away. We were sitting at home waiting on him. You always knew when he arrived that the room would light up, he had that gift which was remarkable for a 17 year old. He was late though and that wasn't like Matthew. Shortly after we receive a call that there has been a very bad wreck and the end of our street. I felt a sickness in my gut, but thought surely not. It was Matthew. As he turned off of the main highway into our neighborhood, a car doing over 80mph in a 45mph zone hit him and instantly killed him.
I believe it was this event that began to cause my 17 year old daughter many issues. She could not sleep and was soon diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Not long after, my 17 yr old baby girl started making many choices that just weren't like her. 2 months later she told us she was moving out and getting married. It felt like I had lost another child. Our family of 6 was now a family of 5, or so it seemed. I have begun to see that differently, but the effect of it must have lingered.
I know things will somehow work out, but I sometimes wonder if that's true. The other day I was in line at the grocery store and heard a loud beep that reminded me of the hospital monitors. The panic that overcame me from a simple cash register beep was unbearable. I left everything I had spent an hour shopping for and walked out to escape for fear of passing out right there in the store. These are the daily things that I have told no one about, well, not until now. I have to now because they only seem to be getting worse, not going away.
Thank you again for the warm welcome, the kind messages, and the caring words. It already means more than I can put into words here. -tim
