Confronting An Abuser

[Red Dog]

But I don't want or need to confront them. My healing is about me, not them.

You're right, I don't think that confrontation is necessary to healing in every case, but in mine, I still have my mother in my life and I want her to know why I'm cutting her off basically. The more I think about the freedom I will feel, the more it feels like it's the right decision. I want to confront her for me, for the child inside me that never had a voice.

 

[Philippa]

I had the same need, and even knowing that they wouldn't admit to it, it was for me and my child that I felt the need to confront them.

At first she seemed like she was actually admitting to some stuff, and said some nice words, and promises of changing, but when it all came down to it, she really didn't want to change, and it was all a lie and a manipulation to get me back into the fold, which I am still coming to terms with.

I understand the need to confront though, even knowing the outcome probably won't be what you want.

I think it's these things that form our characters, and theirs. We are brave, and they are cowards. That is really the basic learning here. How we tackle fear and how they tackle (or don't tackle) fear.

 

[Muzikluvr]

What are your thoughts on me possibly writing a letter instead of calling? I feel like I'll get to say everything I want without her interrupting me, without the minimization and denial.

I think this is a great idea. I wrote letter after letter after letter... never mailed most of them. I believe I did get into an email writing thing with my dad at first, but he was always trying to spin me back into his denial. I ended up chasing my tail trying to block him from spinning it all again. Nothing was fact for him. He just rejected them every time. I would tell him what I know for sure, and he would say that was impossible. He never provided an alternative explanation... just denied. That was really frustrating for me because I wanted us to come together on this. He wasn't the abuser. He was the enabler. So, I really thought that he meant it when he said that he loved me and he would have protected me if he'd known. The truth is that he knew, and chose not to believe it. This gave him so much peace! He only lost a daughter... instead of having his whole family erupt in a feud.

So, letter writing was a big part of my recovery. I also prepared myself for the very first confrontation by following the advice in "The Courage to Heal", a book my therapist recommended. I was really glad that I followed that advice. Answering the questions, despite feeling confident that my parents would embrace me once I told them my memories, helped me be prepared for their almost hostile indignation that I had requested their visit and set the terms of it myself. I expected them to embrace me afterwards, and I accepted nothing less. My own denial was so strong that I ignored a lot of obvious verbal and non-verbal information that could have led me closer to the truth sooner.

My first confrontation was in my early 20's, and the last one was when I was 40. It took me a long time to be ready to hear their words for what they were rather than for what I wanted them to be... and even then, I had to hear them on a recording to really feel the impact.

Put the responsibility for your mother's relationship with you, back on her shoulders. I know what it's like to be the sole party responsible for keeping the relationship going... and that's not beneficial for either of you. Relationships go both ways. I don't know why parents expect their children to carry so much of the burden; asking them to bend to their will simply because children need their parents more than their parents need their children... I guess. That's my two cents. I wish you all the best! I hope you get some closure.

 

[Red Dog]

I think it's these things that form our characters, and theirs. We are brave, and they are cowards. That is really the basic learning here. How we tackle fear and how they tackle (or don't tackle) fear.

Well said, my friend.

 

[Tanishq]

The ironic part to me is that it seems like if they actually acknowledged what they did and were able to take responsibility for what they did, it might open the door for greater intimacy and the possibility of healing. Isn't that what we all want?

Red Dog,

You have nice thought there. I do think about this and I think if my parents get changed it will be a miracle. Right now I don't see anything bigger change coming from them. They have hard time admitting their own mistakes, what about breaking my trust. I feel they never want to admit their mistake and want to live forever on like they were always perfect, they never made mistake after becoming parents. This is their bigger mistake and it will take lot of efforts to realize this. Efforts by them. It doesn't sound that easy.

Even though if they admit, we will have to setup safety boundaries to check they are really saying it or not. If they are changed then it will be miracle for them. Miracle has some nice signs and you can reckon that they are really changed.

But again, I am afraid to say it has happened in very few cases. Most abusive people don't change.

Bright hopes :tup: Red Dog.

 

[Tanishq]

it was for me and my child that I felt the need to confront them.

This is pretty tough task. I have thoughts to leave this home after 2 years. I think I won't let my kids know about this abusive parents, I will keep them away for some time. When they confirm that they are strong emotionally, can handle hearing truth. Only then I will proceed. I don't want to see my kids suffering from it. Whatever my parents has done is enough to disturb anyone.

 

[Philippa]

I was speaking of my inner child jaret.

 

[Tanishq]

I see. Our inner child does feel fearful because of it.

 

[Eleanor]

I don't know if this is relevant at all to you (or anyone else here) Red Dog but my H and I have been thinking through his second marriage - which ended when he discovered that his then wife was emotionally abusing his oldest (her step) daughter, although she had been cheating on him for a couple of years. He was "waiting until the youngest turned 18 to divorce." He believed (as many people do) that he could minimize the harm of divorce on his children by waiting to split up until they were adults. (WRONG.) He has always said "she was a very very plausible liar." I came to our relationship with the idea that "the other parent always knows." But he maintains that he really really didn't and that she was a total con, for years (it helped that he was chronically sleep deprived, ill and worked 60-70 hours a week.) I didn't know what to make of this, frankly. As soon as she confirmed her abuse to a school social worker (who relayed it to my H) he and the two girls decided the wife had to go. And out she went. (not softly, or gently, however, but that is a different story.)

Recently, however, we have been thinking through the implications of her having been sexually abused as a child (which he knew, and she acknowledged) and that she almost certainly suffered/suffers from PTSD. It came up the other day, that perhaps she was such a convincing liar because she *was not lying* but rather was dissociating. He is an exceptional judge of character. So how could she have fooled him for so long, I asked myself? Well, what if: The "her" that abused oldest girl, was not the *her* he spoke to later about it. What if, in fact, when she spoke to him, she was not, in fact, lying? but in another "personae?" There is not really any way to tell at this late date what was actually the case, and she has gone down the road of "self medication" into denial and addiction. But it added another dimension to our understanding of a tragic and horrible family dynamic. It is pretty likely in retrospect that they both re-traumatized each other in the course of their marriage. In any case, denial is a powerful powerful coping mechanism, and should not be underestimated.

What a house of mirrors. :depressed:

Bottom line, he decided to get better. She didn't. And we all shed tears for the kids...:cry:

Post Script: Both big girls are/have worked through a lot of this stuff, and we continue to support them emotionally and financially in doing what they feel they need to to heal a decade plus after the fact ... because we love them and that is what good parents who acknowledge the truth do. Of course, I hasten to mention, they are both today beautiful and charming and talented and accomplished... Ok, end of bragging about the adult children.:angelic::D

 

[saffy]

Your story is very similar to mine it's remarkable.

I felt totally let down by my mother through this behaviour and it took a long time for me to realise that I was not the bad one, I blamed myself for years, beating myself up thinking I could never do anything right, have a valid opinion, know my own bounderies and needs to name a few.

My stepfather was the hands on abuser and we would have major fights ending in me usually having a black eye or bloody nose.

Anyway, One day after a vodka or two I plucked up the courage after years of restraint and I asked them to take responsibility and say sorry for how I was treated and raised. They laughed and said it wasn't that bad and I deserved it. They had to be physically abusive to me because that was the only way they could control me, they said I was unhinged and violent. mmm, wonder why?

In the end I cut ties and felt a weight was removed from my body, the releif of not having to live a lie anymore. I concluded that their behaviour and attitude towards me cannot be changed it is their way of thinking, not mine, and because of it I am what I am. And changing.

It was a hard decision to make but after of years of silent hatred and anger towards them something had to change. After three years of being estranged I tried to contact them and sent a heartfelt letter. I had no response but in a way I predicted it. It established that I am nothing like them and I am a better person than them inside.

Think carefully why you want to aproach them. What will be the pros and cons of it. Be prepared to hear something you might not like. Make a decision either way and stick to it, its the only way to move on.

Good luck and best wishes
Saffy