Failure.

[Belle]

I have recently moved to a new part of my organisation. I have worked in this new workplace for 8 weeks and I have allowed myself to get burnt out.

I now hate being a site leader. I have lost all my enthusiasm and drive and I don't know how to reclaim it. I resent my life being taken over by work, including weekends. When I am not at work I activily use techniques taught by my therapist to avoid ruminating about it, but to no avail, I just dream about work instead.

I feel that everyone at work has their hopes pinned on me. My leadership style is very different from the previous site leader whose leadership technique involved controlling and bullying. However, I feel weak and unsure and scarred from PTSD. I am doubting myself and feeling as though my vulnerability is clear to all.

I want to quit the role as site leader and instead focus on a role with less responsibility but I don't think my boss understands the impact PTSD has had on me in terms of my whole outlook on wshat matters in life and more importantly my confidence. I am sure my boss believe that 20 hours of CBT is the end of the issue, but in my mind i know it isn't that simple. I still feel fragile.

I want to tell my boss that I need a less demanding role but I am scared I will be seen as a failure which will not help me to move forward and regain my confidence and zest.

I wonder if anyone has any words of encouragement as to how I can tell my boss in a positive way?

 

[Eleanor]

Belle - what I hear you saying is that you are tired and worn out and worrying about doing a good job - and that you believe that you can't do a good job and stay well.

If it is true that you cannot do the job and stay well then you must have a frank discussion with your boss and tell him that while you are most grateful for the opportunity, it is just too much for you to do.

On the other hand, it also sounds like your stress has perhaps been caused by bad thinking habits, and by taking more responsibility than really belongs to you. The success and failure of your unit is everyone's job, after all. Vulnerability is a rare and valuable quality in a leader. It must, of course, be tempered by firmness and clear sighted resolve, and those can be cultivated over time. If this is right, then I think you might give it a few more weeks, and see if you can't address some of the "thinking problems." Your boss values you and trusts you enough to give you this responsibility - and believes you have the qualities necessary to do it well. It sounds like those you are in charge of have had a rough go of it, and you might just have some unique insights and abilities to help them and their community heal from the bad prior treatment.

There is no shame in taking care of yourself - either way.

 

[discarded]

Hi Belle. All I can say is that by the sounds of things your boss has a lot of faith in you. You were given the job because you are viewed as being capable and well suited to the position. It is sad that your PTSD has robbed you of your confidence. Your boss probably doesn't have a great understanding of PTSD and that fact that it never really goes away. As a sufferer your well being must come first and it is great that you have realised that you are struggling here. Is there someone close to you that knows aboiut your PTSD that can be your sounding board, to practice what you might say to your boss? Or write it all down, what you have said above is a great start.

I doubt that what I have said is of much help and hopefully others will have some good advice. Hope it all works out for you. Oh and by the way, you are not a failure.

 

[Belle]

It is sad that your PTSD has robbed you of your confidence. Your boss probably doesn't have a great understanding of PTSD and that fact that it never really goes away. As a sufferer your well being must come first and it is great that you have realised that you are struggling here. Is there someone close to you that knows aboiut your PTSD that can be your sounding board, to practice what you might say to your boss? Or write it all down, what you have said above is a great start..

Thanks I feel sad that PSTD never really goes away..... and it has robbed me of my confidence. In my mind's eye there is a huge mountain I must climb. I know at the top that the view will be wonderful but at the moment I am struggling on the rocky path (as in my dreams when I almost fall off it and I am standing on a small ledge and looking down).
I don't know if I have the strength? I look at my therapy blueprint and I see how hard I have tried to put everything into place but feel that I have failed and given up out of exhaustion.... I have to have the courage of my convictions. At the moment I am pretty down on me so thank you for saying I am not a failure.

Eleanor - my leadership style has always been about empowering people and I have seen this happen in the last team I led so I know it works. The problem is that the previous leader is on site and continues to 'scupper' any group voice decisions and continues to move the goalposts by 'taking' team members to do things she wants doing rather than keep to the team plan. Most of the team are now rebelling and this makes it hard for me as I don't want the team to see me as some kind of saviour. The previous leader is retiring at Christmas and I need to tell my team in the next few weeks (as she has told me she won't).

I had to go home ill today and I told one of my more senior team members how I was feeling and shed a few tears. Not sure if that makes me look weak but at the moment I am wanting to be the person who finishes the climb but feel very scared that I might fall and so the option of 'giving up' my leadership role looks appealing....

 

[Eleanor]

Hmmmm. Sounds like a "five more minutes" situation to me if the end is in sight.

Uh, apart from the usual dismemberment or violent death at the end of the story, why exactly don't you want your team to see you as some kind of saviour? What would be wrong with that? I mean you ARE there to save them in a way, aren't you? Or at least save the enterprise that they are engaged in. As the new leader you kind of ought to be the lightening rod channelling their dissatisfaction into a harmless direction. Are the people who get "taken" annoyed too? If so, then this is just a "wait it out" problem - it will go away. So you could coach everyone on stress reduction and equanimity.... OOOHHHMMMM :D Plus, It sounds like there might be other team members you could lean on a bit?

Maybe all you need to do is to just keep telling everyone (including yourself) to hang on until Christmas, which is not so many weeks away really...

You are absolutely not a failure. Even if you choose to lay down this burden altogether, or share it out or trudge along. YOU are not a failure.

My two cents (and it may not be worth that) don't quit out of fear of failure. It is never good to choose from a place of weakness. Choose to nurture yourself or stick it out. One way or the other, cultivate courage.