Remembering Suicide Attempts....

[Tinyflame]

Shellbell, I'm so sorry you went through all that.

MDis right- you're a wonderful wife, mother and friend I am sure. :hug:

I was 14 also. But I thought- it has been 30 years (almost), that's a long time. It's just hard, because it feels like the present, and the shame is in the present. It makes me not feel right to be around others.

((((((MD))))), also.

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you MD and Junebug.

It is always good to look for the positives that can have come from such evil. It's really hard, but they are there. I've been reflecting on this for the last few days.

My experiences have lead me to having a friendship with someone I care about deeply and to know and understand the level of suffering that such terrible trauma's cause and to be able to a friend that understands on a level that no-one who hasn't endured so much would ever understand. I am glad my experiences have lead me to my wonderful and amazing friend and I'm so glad I survived.

And I'm so incredibly glad my friend has survived also and continues to survive, because she is an amazing true friend to me too. The situation is the exactly the same in reverse and I am TRULY blessed to have her in my life.

I'm never going to say that I'm glad we experienced what we did, but to know and be there for each other now - is truly wonderful.

I'm not sure about being an amazing Mum & Wife, but I try and I know they need me too.

 

[Shellbell]

I was 14 also. But I thought- it has been 30 years (almost), that's a long time. It's just hard, because it feels like the present, and the shame is in the present. It makes me not feel right to be around others.

Junebug, I really understand this feeling. I have great waves of shame come over me and have done for the last few months while facing up to my past. I know the shame is not mine to carry, and you shouldn't feel ashamed either, but I understand how we do.

It's a process along the path of healing that will get us to a place of acceptance of what happened and not feeling the guilt and shame anymore.

Big hugs (((((((Junebug)))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Dear Shellbell, I never thought of that, ((((((((((Big Hugs))))))).

The twice I said it (told), well sort of 3 times, it was once met with empathy one time. I was relieved, but shocked. It's hard to grasp, even though in a way it's accurate (understood).

 

[Tinyflame]

Sweet dreams Shellbell, thank you for your kindness :hug:.

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you too Junebug :hug:

 

[Tanishq]

Shellbell, perhaps it is something within you which wants to tell you that you have come so far.

I am sorry, you're having flashback and remembering pain. It explains, reminding those days may make you feel the pain of those days. not easy task to handle.

Big :hug:

 

[Britt.f7]

Shellbell, until you totally deal with it it is going to feel that way. I know it seems crazy. I think about that with my life, why should something that happened so many years ago still be effecting me? After all my years of therapy you would think that would stop. I had some good years where I didn't think back, but it still effected part of my life. Now I'm trying to just move on with that knowledge.

 

[Shellbell]

Yes Britt.f7, it is something that I need to work through in therapy. We're no where near all that yet.

But we'll get there. The flashbacks and nightmares about it are the worse.

 

[Shellbell]

it's so that you could live on to be a wonderful mother, wife and friend to people whose lives would be that much emptier without you. The world was never going to let you go so quickly when it needed you so much...

MD

MD, this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you.

 

[maddog]

Something drew me back to this thread this morning...

I've been home a week now from a few weeks in hospital which were the result of a very bad crash which almost ended everything for me.

I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be to come back to my house - back to the place where it all almost ended. The vividness of those memories and the strange creepy feeling of being close to that place (both literally and figuratively) hit me really hard when I came home, and strangely is still bothering me now.

I think I'm just still very afraid of the intensity of the collapse that took me to that place, and somehow just being in my own home feels like a constant reminder. I know it's healthy to acknowledge that pain and what caused it and to be frank about what almost happened. I just wish it wasn't playing on my mind so much...

MD

 

[Shellbell]

(((((MD))))). It must be very hard having your home as a trigger for distressing memories and emotions.

Your home needs to be a safe place and when it doesn't feel safe, it will bother you a lot. I don't know how you can turn your home back into a safe place, but I really hope that happens soon.

Maybe having a positive association will help and focussing on how your home was the place where you reached out for help, which was from your source of courage and that inner strength you have, to chose life and that prevailed. In your home, you felt safe enough to seek the help you needed. Your home provided that safe environment then, and maybe it could be how to view it now.

I don't know if that helps at all. My brain is not working well at all at the moment.