Are Some People Just Too Damaged To Heal?

[saffy]

Hi Saffy,

I do think I am good virtuous person, but it is instilled by people who I surround often. Such as this forum feeds positivity and good intentions in my mind. It helps me to become healthy and raising my attitude to as high as it is within my capacity. I am amazed.

Thank you for this insights. I do know, I was influenced by abusers to little degree, but that's washing away as I carry positive activities.

:hug:

hugs back :)

I know that virtues are the essense of your character and are within you.

I believe inner conflict is when I am fighting with my inner values and are surrounded by people with little or negative virtues. I just do not like these type of people, they are negative and abusive. And I now know that my character is good and I should be at peace with that. It's only because I still allow negative thoughts to cloud my judgement sometimes that I know I am still suffering, but it is getting easier everyday. I am getting stronger at saying no and trusting my instincts and acting on them.

I have found that by being totally honest with myself about my feelings, behaviour and emotions can I then start to identify less virtuous people more quickly because I know myself better and stick to my thoughts and opinions about things rather than be in constant doubt about what to do, say or feel. :)

Finding my new real self is giving me confidence, I do not rely on others opinions or acceptance anymore, I have come to realise that I like myself; I'm a good person; It is their character that is the problem not mine; it is them who needs help really they are just vile people and I they are not important to me anymore or need to be in my life to spread negative venom.

I don't think thats me being aggresive or trying to avoid things, I think it is me asserting my needs, and I need to have inner peace, no more negative self talk and doubts and anxiety about what should be easy and free. And no more putting up with things that trigger.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

It has been over a decade, I am 51 now and I am a totally new person!!!

Hi Lionheart777

I feel that I am on my way to being a new person too. It does feel good, for me there is less inner turmoil and conflict.

For me I decided one day that I was sick of feeling like this and I was the only one who could change it. So lots and lots of self exploration I discovered a lot about me, not the conditioned and abused one but me now, this minute, this second. :)

best wishes
saffy :)

 

[Abstract]

Wow. So many wonderful insightful responses and inspiring ideas and sharing.

Shellbell,
What jumps out at me most is how amazingly resilient you are that you spent most of your life without full PTSd and after all that. And in denial. Isn't the human brain remarkable. It also struck me that this is all very new to you still and you have had recent traumatic experiences (such as fleeing the psychopath) and yet you already have much insight and wisdom. In many ways you are at the beginning of your journey and have endless potential for things to get better in the long term. The road will be very hard and bumpy for a while but anyone who has survived what you have can survive that too.

Denial is an astoundingly powerful thing in my experience. :confused:

I really also think that a lot of the extra pain comes from not knowing ourselves, being cut off of understanding feelings, self judgment and hatred and blame, not being able to differentiate past from present, not being able to protect ourselves etc. I know its small stuff compared to flashbacks but it does have a big affect and a really big direct affect on depression too. All these things can potentially change and help how we feel and how we cope with everything else.

Oh and I wanted to add that even just the relational aspect of T opens up many painful cans of worms for me. I know how important that is to heal as well. T is painful even whilst it heals us. Growing pains. ;)

 

[Abstract]

They beat me physically too much. Dad beat me physically and emotionally. Mother beat me verbally and emotionally. It has been hard. But I feel shame when I have to face this.

Jaret,
It is very easy to see what a kind and compassionate person you are. Your parents did not deserve you. I will never be able to understand how anyone let alone a parent can hurt a child (or anyone). I am sorry this happened to you and none of it was your fault.

 

[Pencil]

even just the relational aspect of T opens up many painful cans of worms for me. I know how important that is to heal as well.

Abstract - oooh boy, I relate (pun intended) to that :arghh;

 

[Pencil]

My PTSD 'crash' as I call it, started a year ago, when my functioning and coping ability began to be badly affected and I had to give up my business last Christmas, and resulting in a full on breakdown by July this year. I had a mental health assessment in August and was diagnosed with severe chronic PTSD with delayed onset and MDD.

Shellbell, when did you move to Australia?

 

[Abstract]

Abstract - oooh boy, I relate (pun intended) :arghh;

Pencil,
Yes. :(:eek::cry::arghh;:wideeyed:
I can't even begin to describe how hard that part is. Thanks for telling me you relate.

 

[Helliepig]

I haven't caught up with the most recent posts because I got the urge to comment on some earlier ones. Shellbell, your "now I need people to help me heal, that is scary". I really relate to that. I am at the same place. T told me yesterday that touch can improve the neurochemicals in the brain and it is important for healing the traumatised brain and allowing new pathways to be laid down. (She suggested massage) It made me realise that there comes a point where you do need more than your own courage and strength and a therapist. You are right, it is scary, but it also represents a reconnecting, an urge to move outwards, a taking of your place a bit more in the world rather than hiding in a trauma-imposed isolation.

And Jaret, your comment about how many people do you know who are honest and truthful about themselves and working on their problems? You are right, so very very few people are. I think as a long term battler with PTSD that is almost incomprehensible and it's hard to realise that a lot of people just don't think on the same depth as we do.. they don't have to or have found some way not to have to. We haven't had much of a choice. Stay in agony or work through the agonies of healing... but we must never underestimate our strength.

I would like to get to the point where the PTSD doesn't require so much attention, doesn't sit on my shoulder all the time, nor act as a great white elephant in every relationship.

The healing bit, on our own, is hard, but reconnecting, reintegrating, and entering the world of relationships and interactions brings about a whole new set of challenges. Daring to be us, in all our glory, is the hardest because it's hard to believe just being who you are, or who you have become through what life has made you, is enough.

 

[Springer80]

The healing bit, on our own, is hard, but reconnecting, reintegrating, and entering the world of relationships and interactions brings about a whole new set of challenges.

Hi Helliepig,

Could of put it more scarily myself. :alien:...I'm at a proper impasse. Can't do anything actively harmful but neither seem to be able to risk accumulating anything positive which is (hair-pullingingly:mad: ) exactly what I want and need to do to be happy.

It feels like standing at the biggest dam wall and being too scared to pull the plug. But I want too. But I can't...AAAARRRRRGGGGGhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Why is it so hard to admit vulnerability? I can talk about it in a broad brush stroke (avoiding ;)!) kind of way but the whatever it is that will dislodge what I need to I'm not sure I can. Or rather I veer off any time I get close.

The thing about touch is right....I've been for massage and chiropractic work. But what I need is just general and slow affection and comfort. It's hard to receive. Pets could help though!!!

 

[Helliepig]

I so understand. I am the same, starting to try and get out there and get something real but always on guard, always on the point of startling and running. Wanting to move forward and equally wanting to run away. Wanting closeness but terrified of closeness, being trapped....

I am trying to do little bits, then let myself retreat, then move forward, then retreat. Sometimes it helps to see the different parts of yourself that are pulling in opposite directions and trade with them - if you let me do this, then we can do that....

But it's hard

 

[Pencil]

I would like to get to the point where the PTSD doesn't require so much attention, doesn't sit on my shoulder all the time, nor act as a great white elephant in every relationship..

I spent most of my life with a great white elephant hidden under the carpet and pretended it wasn't there. No wonder the rest of the world thought I wasn't quite there. :( But what is the alternative? Invite people / allow people into your life and introduce them to the elephant? Post a sign on your door saying 'Beware of elephant'? Allow people only as far as the verandah? Build a high wall around your property and let the elephant graze undisturbed? When the elephant trumpets pretend it's really avant garde astral music? You spend so much time shoveling elephant poop, telling yourself all this manure will be great for a pretty flower garden. I've tried it all. Sh%t, it doesn't work. And then T1, T2, and T3 going: "O.M.G.!! An ELEPHANT!!!!"

 

[Pencil]

The thing about touch is right....I've been for massage and chiropractic work. But what I need is just general and slow affection and comfort. It's hard to receive. Pets could help though!!!

That's why I started the thread about touch/ physical holding. Some therapists do just that - they HOLD the clients - for anything from grounding to regressing to changing neural pathways due to maternal neglect and deficit etc etc etc. There are therapists who are adamant that a deficit can NOT be corrected by oneself - which means that you have to 'learn to mother yourself' and 'love yourself', and 'take care of the child inside you' is absolutely bloody impossible. And I want to spend all my money to travel around the world a couple of times and kiss the feet of each and every therapist who stops passing the buck to the client in this way. They realise that it makes no sense to say to someone who desperately needs money for life-saving surgery, but who has no money : "Well, why don't you lend yourself some money??"

And this is why I am SO ambivalent about T. I feel like a car with half my electrical wiring missing and a few blown fuses. I am so sick of poking around my insides and examining every broken wire together with a therapist. I did that in my twenties. I'm seeing T4 for the first time on Tuesday and I already predict that I will leave the session wanting to scream. I don't want a mechanic. I want an auto-electrician to FIX me.

I know I'm negative and angry, and I hope to God that I won't receive responses that try to convince me that touch in therapy leads to sex and that it is 'daaaaangerous boundary (ooooooh, oh, no, a boundary!!!) crossing. I've heard all those arguments before, a thousand times. I see those arguments as the result of brainwashing. Sorry, but it's true. And I really, really, REALLY don't want to have another dialogue about it. Please forgive me.

Wow, didn't think I was going to go 'splat'. :banghead:

And: I have always had pets and I have a much loved 6 yo daughter. Due to my deficits, I am overly affectionate with them, to the point where they suffer from affection-overload and look bored when I pounce on them for some more affection and love and affirmation and goodness knows what else. The only thing that happens in the process is that I work on their 'lack of deficit'. Mine stays unchanged, for reasons that make perfect sense to me, even though it may not make perfect sense to everybody who reads this post.

Massage? A massage can be pleasant as a MASSAGE. It can't do the job for the kind of disconnect we (don't really know who 'we' are - I might have alienated everyone with my ranting) are talking about. I have to 'steel myself' for a massage. Generally I don't like that kind of impersonal, disconnected fiddling with my body.

Thank you for the catharsis, Springer :)