Are Some People Just Too Damaged To Heal?

[Abstract]

Shellbell,
I actually can really understand your feelings and I think speaking to your T is a great idea. Maybe that is almost a first step you need to take to be able to look at the rest.

It is beyond understanding some of the decisions that happen. :confused: He seems like a very out of control person.

I think the stuff with your H sounds very comforting and I am sure you can probably get some help with feeling safer.

The other thing to keep in mind is that Australia is a very different country and I would be extremely surprised if he managed to bring a gun with him or to find one once there. He would be totally out of his little pond and your H and you woven into the fabric of the country.

I am glad talking about it helps. I always find it helpful for me. I find breaking things up and directly looking at what is going on in my head allows me to feel very differently about it. What seems to effect me most us unspoken unprocessed noise in my head.

 

[Shellbell]

Thanks Abstract :hug:

I don't think he would bring a gun into the country. Him getting his gun license back was just another example of his unrelenting and obsessive need to have and get what he wants. I'm glad I had emigrated before that happened.

I do feel safer here, I just don't feel completely safe. I think when you've seen into the mind of a very sick psycho, the fear never leaves. You can't predict the mind of a psycho and he is undoubtably a very sick individual. I hope he drops dead very soon, then no-one can be hurt by him.

Talking about it does help, it's better then holding it inside. Talking about it on here, makes it a little easier to then to talk about it to my T. It's like 'pre-therapy'.

 

[Abstract]

I find pre-therapy very helpful too. :)

 

[Pencil]

always on guard, always on the point of startling and running. Wanting to move forward and equally wanting to run away. Wanting closeness but terrified of closeness, being trapped.... But it's hard

I can SO relate to this. Most people think I'm just an oddball. Some perceptive people say that relating to me is like trying to connect visually with someone who moves behind a picket fence - now you see me now you don't - or similar things. With T1, who invited me to 'chat' about things, some of my inner somethings wanted to attach, while some other inner somethings did NOT. I realised that it was a 50/50 thing, and so I tried to - very analytically. logically and reasonably - swing it to a 49/51 in either direction. But when I tried to swing it in the direction of fear, the need escalated; when I tried to up the need, the fear escalated. The one was feeding the other, and pretty soon I found myself in orbit. I felt like a total nutcase! When I tried to explain what was happening to T, she thought I was trying to tell her I was in love with her, and I spent the rest of the session trying to convince that I was NOT!!! Even the explanation: "T, I have no romantic interest in you- I don't want to date you, go to bed with, marry you and have your babies. I've been trying to tell you that I've lived the last 9 years of my life on a raft at sea. I am now sitting in the harbour in a massive storm, in front of me is the mainland, and unfortunately for you, you have come to represent the mainland, the continent, the whole of bloody humanity tor me. Which is frightening. Behind me is the open sea with sunny skies and miles and miles of peace, but I'm not sure I can handle the isolation any longer - and so that option is also frightening. And so, if I was in love with you, it would be a bit delusional and a bit off, but at least in the realm of normal human behaviour, and my 'problems' would have been a walk in the park. I need to get back into the realm of normal, delusional and off human behaviour. I have no interest in your life. I want you in a highly idealized form, not in all your humanity." She looked horrified and kept quiet.

So, I went home and started googling, and found out that this push / pull thing is called 'traumatic transference':
In the context of trauma, attachment failure is inevitable and inescapable, leaving a lasting imprint on all future relationships, including the therapeutic one. Instead of experiencing therapy and the therapist as a haven of safety, the traumatized client will be driven by powerful wishes and fears about relationships, while therapeutic work on the trauma will be compromised by the client’s vulnerability to autonomic dysregulation and transference crises.

and
The intensity of the traumatic transference, and thus, in many cases, the countertransference, can overwhelm both therapist and client. Judith Herman referred to traumatic transference as "possessing a life or death quality unparalleled in any ordinary therapeutic experience".
The client's ambivalence about his attachment: There is often a swing from experiencing this ambivalence as "an allergy to closeness and an addiction to closeness". The therapist becomes both dangerous and necessary for survival.

Ok, I found an explanation, but it did not help me to actually deal with it. I felt like an even worse nutcase. Needless to say, T 1 ran for her life.

 

[Springer80]

When I tried to explain what was happening to T, she thought I was trying to tell her I was in love with her, and I spent the rest of the session trying to convince that I was NOT!!! Even the explanation: "T, I have no romantic interest in you- I don't want to date you, go to bed with, marry you and have your babies. I've been trying to tell you that I've lived the last 9 years of my life on a raft at sea. I am now sitting in the harbour in a massive storm, in front of me is the mainland, and unfortunately for you, you have come to represent the mainland, the continent, the whole of bloody humanity tor me. Which is frightening. Behind me is the open sea with sunny skies and miles and miles of peace, but I'm not sure I can handle the isolation any longer - and so that option is also frightening. And so, if I was in love with you, it would be a bit delusional and a bit off, but at least in the realm of normal human behaviour, and my 'problems' would have been a walk in the park. I need to get back into the realm of normal, delusional and off human behaviour. I have no interest in your life. I want you in a highly idealized form, not in all your humanity." She looked horrified and kept quiet.

HA!!!! Love that Pencil.....Careful what you say on here then ;) .......Maybe you T should check with her Super that she doesn't need a hug herself!

 

[Pencil]

Shellbell, I've been going off on my own tangents. I hope you don't feel that I'm hijacking your thread. Apologies for that.

I could not get a real idea - from your responses to my direct questions - of the chronological order of things. I can't help wondering if things did not surface for you, or fell apart for you, exactly at a time when you felt safer.

I relate to the fear regarding a child. My primary care-taker was my sister who is 10 years older than me, together with my brother (12 years older) who is her pet, henchman and emotional siamese twin. The two of them have never been in therapy, and therefore have never been officially diagnosed, but every single person who has got to know them well over the years describes them as psychopaths. They are after my daughter, for the simple reason that they know that if anything happens to her I will lose my mind. The last incident (the last dramatic incident, but by no means the last incident) involved the police and social workers. Sociopath siblings had gone to the police with the claim that I was 'a danger to myself, my daughter and society at large'. To cut a long story short, the senior police officer said, after a few hours of cops swarming over my house, 'She's wasting our bloody time!'

We live in a fairly small town, and I have wanted to move away, but I am a difficult situation: no matter where I move to, they'll be able to track me down through extended family members. If I stay here, the police are at least aware of her behaviour and I have their protection. After that incident I requested a full investigation by Social Services to establish whether my daughter was in any way unhappy, badly treated, etc etc. I can therefore call on them - and their report - in case she tries something similar. And so I live in a town where I can bump into the psychotic sibling on any given day, and I know that she might still be still plotting. The police asked me how much money she had as they expected her to arrange for my daughter to be kidnapped. (Fortunately she doesn't have that kind of money). So, everyone in my daughter's life has been informed. And yet, incredibly, there are people who react with: 'Well, you must have done something to make her concerned.' AAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!! This is the same person who, according to her side-kick, my brother, prayed (she's a reborn Christian) for me to have a miscarriage. As the social worker said to me recently: 'A year ago your sister claimed that you are totally out of control and your daughter's life is permanently in imminent danger. It amazes me that someone so violent and so out of control has been able to be so non-violent and in control for so long. Does your sister realise how she discredited herself?' It now seems almost funny, yet on that day it was touch and go - the social worker was there to remove my daughter to a place of safety - and I WOULD HAVE BECOME VIOLENT, which is exactly what my sister wanted. My daughter was 5 - it would have done permanent damage to her.

And these are the people who were my 'parents'. Every single person who knows them expresses amazement that I turned out 'sane'.


Apologies Shellbell, I went off on another tangent. I simply wanted to say I relate to living under constant threat, especially when the sick f*cks know that a mother's most vulnerable spot is her children.

 

[Pencil]

...Careful what you say on here then ;) .......Maybe you T should check with her Super that she doesn't need a hug herself!

I think she does, Springer. But, sorry, why should I be careful?

 

[Shellbell]

Pencil, I am really sorry you have gone through all that. Knowing someone is after your child is terrifying.

Are you able to move? That's what I did to escape and protect my child and myself.

Knowing the evil mind of a psycho is terrifying. Mine kept me in a captivity situation with no contact with any other person for 4 years, whilst subjecting me to every kind of abuse possible, including psychological torture. I think that is worse than the daily rapes, worse than any physical damage he inflicted. I'm glad I have about 3 years of memory of that missing and I don't want to remember it.

And yes, they use what they know will torment you and unstill fear into you the most - at the time it was threatening me and my family with death. Then later, it was threatening my child, which lead to me emigrating.

I still hold that fear and I think that will bind me to him forever. Which makes me sick to the stomach, as he is still causing damage, all these years later, and from the other side of the world. And he will know that. He still haunts my mind and my dreams.

I feel so much for anyone who has become the obsession of an evil psychopath.

 

[Pencil]

Another post script: To Shellbell

Living with the uncertainty of the 'alert code' (from white, yellow, orange, red, black) is itself utterly exhausting and in itself causes ptsd symptoms. There are days when I'm on high alert and think to myself: 'Stop being so damn paranoid!' Then I relax, only to think 'Stop being so damn complacent and irresponsible.' The daily exercise of trying to figure out if one should be living in white or black or where in between uses quite a lot of one's resources and reserves.

The ONLY thing I remember from Philosophy I is the following story (and I have no idea apropos to what the professor told it): There is a type of tick that lives in trees. It can go for years without blood/food. Then, one day, a sheep walks underneath the tree. The tick drops out of the tree, onto the sheep and starts sucking. When it has had enough, it drops off the sheep, crawls over to the nearest tree, and waits.

My sister is that tick. She can wait patiently for the perfect opportunity, and I never know which tree she is in. I know, she brought me up. My ptsd is not the result of the incident with the police and social worker, or any of the other stupid incidents in the last 15 years. It is the result of having her as primary caretaker when I was a child.

I have 'complex trauma'. But thank God I am not like her. Thank God I have not caused trauma in another human being or animal. (Except for T1, of course ;))

 

[MissMacD]

I suffered through decades of abuse and trauma and did not begin my healing journey until I was 37 years old. At the time I first entered therapy, I was a practicing alcoholic, with a death wish. I used to drink vats of whiskey, take handfuls of sleeping pills, cut on myself with razor blades and pray to die. I would let anyone and everyone use me and abuse me as they saw fit and was once introduced to a crowd as the man with "no self-esteem'. (and it was true) I totally lacked self-esteem, I did not value myself, my life or others, in the least.

This is the short abbreviated version of my story and how far I have come since beginning to walk a path of healing. I don't know if I have painted a complete picture, but I hope that whatever answer you come up with, you will be encouraged to continue healing and will enjoy a better quality of life as I have.

I guess what I am trying to do here is to encourage you to heal just as much as ya can, to wear your scars with pride, and to have real hope that things will improve no matter how severe the traumas. They certainly have gotten much better for me than I ever could have ever imagined and I wish the same for you!

Thank you for your encouragement. I am turning 29 next month and started my healing journey (officially) a few years ago. Have been in therapy for years but just recently started working through my traumas which have recently taken over my life with disabling effects. It got so bad that I cannot work anymore.

Healing is not something that you can do in a few short sessions with a therapist, it is years and years of retraining your brain. I am over a decade into therapy and have made the most progress in the past few years, but it has also been the most few difficult years of my life. I have gone into therapy knowing that it is going to be really painful to get out the toxins but that it will be better afterwards because my baggage will be more manageable.

 

[Pencil]

he is still causing damage, all these years later, and from the other side of the world. And he will know that. He still haunts my mind and my dreams.

.

And that is the thing that makes me saddest for you. You can't NOT be aware of him, and being aware of him prevents healing. Is it against the rules on this site to take up a collection and hire a hitman? :devilish:;):)

 

[Shellbell]

That's my fear, that I am too damaged and it will prevent healing.

Hmmmm....I don't recall the hitman suggestion being aganist the rules for this forum! ;) :devilish: