Relationship Over Before It Started

[journey31]

I posted this in another site, non PTSD related and was sent here.

OK, I met a guy, who was absolutely wonderful. Sweet, respectful, didn't pressure fore sex. In fact he wanted to wait. After about 2 months I found out about his PTSD. VA diagnosed combat injured vet. He said it was behind him.

Well after 3 months, we were finally intimate. Not just sex, but intimacy as well. Things were fine after. That night we talked all night, like always. He doesn't sleep well, so it was till like 2 am. I got my normal good morning text, like always while he is at work. We texted while he was at work. Then he stopped responding. No big deal. So I asked if he was going to the gym, or had already been. His response was um.....already been, why. I said it was just a question, and that was the last I heard from him in 3 weeks. Now we talked every day, all day for 3 months. We got close or so I thought.

My friends think he played me and won't even take PTSD into consideration. Me going off how we were together, doesn't believe that.

I do think he is still not over his ex, who hurt him, on top of it but he never said that. its just my opinion. I have heard the "its for the best", but i have feelings for him and don't want to give up. I feel he is worth it. I've tried contact, but minimal. He isn't responding.

I would at least want to keep in contact, even if the relationship was done. I formed a friendship.

What do I need to do? Ignore him, keep trying, ignore him for a time then try again?
I at least want to know he is OK. Even if its over.

 

[discarded]

I have been married to my husband for nearly 28 years and I moved out 12 weeks ago as he said he needed space and we were arguing a lot. He assured me he would keep in touch but that has not happened. I have seen him as I have had to go to our house to get stuff and I have contacted him about our daughter whom he doesn't appear to want to see either. As soon as I ask how he is or what I am to him now, he shuts down completely. It is hard but the ball really is in their court so to speak. We just have to be content to play the waiting game or move on. Only you can make that decision. I know only too well what it feels like to want to know what they are thinking and if you matter to them the same way that they matter to you. I personally am tired of waiting for answers and trying to work out what his minimal contact means. PTSD is a terrible illness and it is extremely hard work when they want you with them and totally unbearable when there is no communication. It takes two to have a relationship unfortunately and until the lines of communication are open then there really is no point.

I have been met with nothing but anger when I have tried to make contact, leaving him alone as resulted in no contact. I have decided for my own mental health to just focus on me, he knows where I am if he wants to talk. It is so hard to not pick up the phone and ring him, but when I do I am super anxious about the possible outcome. There is no answer that suits every situation. Most will say give them space.

 

[myvetswife]

Welcome to the forum journey31.

There is a supporter section here, und you will find you are not alone.

Beeing married with somebody who has combatptsd I can tell you it's normal for him, that he hides in his little hole and doesn't want contact. Even though he is coping quite good with it, it happens.

Maybe send him a message, that you are there for him, if he wants contact? So he knows that you care but doesn't feel pushed.

 

[journey31]

I've sent maybe 4 messages. After the first week, where it read one text s day. Some weren't very nice because I was angry and listening to my friends over myself. I sent an apology. The last one was me saying I missed him. My friends are so sure this its not PTSD related and he's just a good actor, never cared. I don't believe that. I know how he was to me. They're starting to get to me though.

 

[journey31]

I have been married to my husband for nearly 28 years and I moved out 12 weeks ago as he said he needed space and we were arguing a lot. He assured me he would keep in touch but that has not happened. I have seen him as I have had to go to our house to get stuff and I have contacted him about our daughter whom he doesn't appear to want to see either.

I feel he is worth it. The way he made me feel. I felt happy and safe. His issue didn't seem to be anger, unless he was driving or dealing with a non productive member of society. There was one time before where i showed emotion, and he disappeared for 2 days, came back apologized and we continued on. That part was my fault. I had super stress and had s mini meltdown and took it out on him. He said he didn't think i was when i said sorry, but the 2 days not talking (but did send 1 text) tells me otherwise. I know this won't be the last time, i just want him back.

 

[discarded]

I would probably have my husband back if he asked too. Does that make me weak or caring? It is really hard to turn off feelings for someone you care so much about. I struggle a lot with that.

 

[Katz2]

Hi and welcome,

sorry to hear that things are the way they are at the moment, I know everyone is different, but what I would do is write him a letter saying how you feel, and let him know that your there for him if he needs you, and I would leave it at that, because you cant do more than that, cos the ball is in his court, so to speak.

I hope that things happen for you in the future. take care.

 

[Dallas]

That was very disrespectful of him (to say the least) to stop communicating with you right after he had sex with you. I would not chase him, because that is beneath your dignity. He should be chasing YOU. PTSD or not. I would focus on your own life and making it the greatest life ever. You hold the key to all the possibilities of your own life. Do you want to spend it with a guy who has sex with you and then ignores you? I wouldn't. Life is too short.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

Just because he has PTSD doesn't mean he forgot how to use a telephone.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[SRE7267]

This one is a tough one because the relationship is so new... I hear that you feel that he is worth it because of how he made you feel (safe, happy) and because of the connection you felt with him throughout the 3 months leading up to being intimate with each other. It's hard to feel so strongly about someone, to give all of yourself to them, only to have the door shut in your face. While this kind of action is most definitely confusing and can leave your questioning what you did wrong, if he's into you at all, if he used you, etc, you must also know that in the case of PTSD, his behavior is actually right on key. Fear of vulnerability, no response to consistent reaching out, sudden change in behavior towards you. Someone I spoke with on this forum said "normal behavior for an abnormal situation" and it seems fitting to share that with you.

Now, with all of that said, even though you spent the last 3 months together and you have developed feelings for him, my suggestion to you is to take this at face value and move forward in you own life, free of him. This condition is life-altering, exhausting and can really take the life out of you. Your guy clearly has some things he needs to work on and it's not your job to save him -- it is to take care of yourself and to be a support to him, if he allows that. You are in a unique position where the relationship hasn't had time to develop - you can cut ties and not lose much of anything (I'm not trying to discredit your relationship because I know how difficult it is when you care about someone, no matter how long the relationship was)... I'm simply saying that you don't have years of your life invested in this relationship, you don't have children together, etc. and YOU deserve to be happy, to feel loved, to feel appreciated, to feel valued, to feel heard, to feel understood, and to be respected. Your guy doesn't seem to be in a place where he can offer you that. So while it's difficult to be left "hanging" - be bold, take your life into your own hands and move forward rather than holding onto someone who may never be able to let you into his life -- because that is a reality... he may NEVER be able to allow you into his life. Are you truly willing to put your own life on hold for this harsh reality of constant struggle, extreme disappointment, hurt and pain?

If it were me, I would send him an email (from what I've been reading, texts are difficult for some PTSD sufferers because of the expectation that they should return the text... this can be too much pressure for them.) My email would say something along the lines of expressing how you enjoyed your 3 months together, felt that the relationship had great potential and that you were excited about seeing where it could have gone. I would then say that you understand that he may be struggling because of his PTSD and therefore understand that he may need his space, but that him shutting you out hurt you and that at this time, you need to take steps forward in your own life and that you wish him well. You could close it there. This would be short, to the point and gives you closure so you can move on and so he knows where you stand -- that you are not willing to put up with feeling undervalued and disrespected no matter what his struggles are. Operated from a place of strength and a place of compassion for his situation and then move on.

Remember, you deserve the world - go out and get it! Wishing you clarity and strength to move forward and wishing him well as he continues his healing process.

 

[journey31]

I know its new. I just felt so strong for him. He was willing to treat my child as his own. It really seemed too good to be true. I had the "the one" feeling. From some of the things he said, so did he. I just feel like the rug was ripped from under me. Its harder when my friends are baking him names and saying he used me. I just can't believe that. Even now. There were a few problems during sex, that i read its right on point for ptsd. May be tmi, but it was so rough i bled. Even of the relationship doesn't continue, i want him in my life[quote="SRE7267, post: 46.[/quote]

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Word to the wise. Stop listening to your friends so much. Do you not have a mind of your own?

I'm not saying his actions are justified, but your taking advice from women who know nothing about PTSD. It's like going to see your accountant when you have cancer.