Attachment Issues

[Pencil]

"Adults with attachment difficulties want to be loved and accepted but don 't have the "tools" to achieve that goal. Their cognitive distortions sabotage what they want and need. This is why traditional therapy usually does not work for these adults. In traditional therapy, the adult client with maladaptive upbringing usually functions more from his frontal lobe. This is because talk therapy tends to be more of a cognitive process for them. They never access and deal with their limbic-stored emotions. The more intelligent the client, the better they are at defending their stored up feelings of inadequacy. As a result, they tend to get frustrated by traditional therapy and don 't believe that it helps."

Please comment.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi Pencil,

I admit, a lot of that rings true with me. However, it's not the therapy I'm frustrated with- it's myself. I somehow feel as if I'm 'doing it (therapy) wrong'. But yes, basically I think that I need to deal with the attachment problems I know I have, that being an insecure resistant one...wanting secure relationships/attachments, but pushing them away when it's offered.

 

[Pencil]

However, it's not the therapy I'm frustrated with- it's myself. I somehow feel as if I'm 'doing it (therapy) wrong'. .

IceFire - is this discussed in T?

 

[Ice_Fire]

:oops: Erm...not really no. I know it should be, but it seems rather pointless, especially at the stage I'm at now, only having one session left with my current T.

Not sure how to bring it up or how to explain it anyway.

 

[Pencil]

:oops:

Not sure how to bring it up or how to explain it anyway.

mmmmmm. I'm beginning to think this is a root problem for most people with ptsd, and one which is hardly ever addressed.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I too have a hard time describing what I am feeling in therapy. That is why I love emdr. It has so changed my life.

 

[Abstract]

I have thoughts Pencil and shall come back when I can.

 

[Shellbell]

I clearly have attachment issues. I don't know how to form and hold onto real relationships.

I fear rejection, abandonment and hurt at such a damaging level, that I sabotage them all. Being alone is all I know and that feels safe. Anything else makes me feel vulnerable and unsafe.

Two examples of this right now are; my T, who is going away for a month over Christmas, and as much as I can rationalize this is totally acceptable, needed and okay for her, I cannot help feeling abandoned, as this is such bad timing for me. And I'm hurt. So, I know I'm pulling away from her. I'm telling myself not to, but I am.

And my friends, who have been kinder to me than probably anyone I know and yet I cut them off today as I can't handle all the emotions that I'm feeling and the complicated nature of our friendship.

Oh, and I guess a third is my husband, the only reason we are still together is due to my children, otherwise I have no doubt I would have chased him away completely years ago.

I don't know how to stop what I am doing. I don't know how to have normal relationships with attachment.

I am destined to be alone. I don't know how to achieve what I need and want.

As for being intelligent, I don't consider myself as having more than average intelligence, but I think deeply and have hurt deeply at core level and have definitely stored up my feelings of inadequacy deeply too. And yes I can explain and defend them well.

I think there are many of us here who can all relate to this.

 

[Hashi]

(Edited to add - Shellbell, we posted at the same time. I don't mean this as a response to your reply here, or anyone else's - it's only in response to the opening post. You're talking about the pain of the problem. I'm sorry for how difficult this is and how much it hurts.)

My comment, if I'm really honest, is that if this is the case then I think spending a lot of time thinking about attachment theory in general and this in particular would tend to perpetuate the focus on the cognitive. It would keep things at an intellectual level.

I think theory and research are useful, but only to a point. It's helpful and validating to have an idea of why something might not work for us. Then the greatest benefit is for it to help us find our way to something that might work. Isn't the question what would help? I don't know where the quote in the OP is from, but does the source go on to talk about alternatives?

There are all sorts of different therapies. Even talk therapy has its variations, and can also be different depending on the individual therapist and individual client. There are also approaches to healing other than therapy.

I think the value of an idea like this quote is to help us see things a different way and gain insight into our own situation that can move us forward. It gives us an understanding and a context to explore different options. IMHO, I think there's a risk of getting distracted by exploring the theory instead.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I didn't start seeing my therapist to discuss my trauma, rather other issues related to my ability to maintain relationships etc. Prior to getting into much depth or being diagnosed as having ptsd my therapist did feel that I had an attachment disorder. I am in "traditional" therapy and didn't feel frustrated at that time or presently that it isn't helping me. Even despite the fact that I'm so intelligent ;)

 

[saffy]

"Adults with attachment difficulties want to be loved and accepted but don 't have the "tools" to achieve that goal. Their cognitive distortions sabotage what they want and need. This is why traditional therapy usually does not work for these adults. In traditional therapy, the adult client with maladaptive upbringing usually functions more from his frontal lobe. This is because talk therapy tends to be more of a cognitive process for them. They never access and deal with their limbic-stored emotions. The more intelligent the client, the better they are at defending their stored up feelings of inadequacy. As a result, they tend to get frustrated by traditional therapy and don 't believe that it helps."

That makes sense.

For me I can talk about it and it all makes sense but put it into action and it does not work. I need to experience it rather than just talk about it. Some one can tell me something over and over again but it is their actions that make me beleive it, so maybe roleplay or something will help?:nailbiting:

So yes I suppose that traditional talking therapies should not be the only therapy I try. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[maddog]

I think only now am I coming to realise how true this is for me too. I am incredibly skilled at analysing and intellectualising my world, my thoughts and even my feelings, in a very cerebral kind of way. It's both a long-held defense mechanism and now a tool by which I have convinced myself I've been making good progress in therapy for a while now...

And then suddenly, only recently, I've realised that the more well-developed and accomplished my cognitive processes become about all of this, the more withdrawn and shut down and damaged my emotional world is. And attachment and human relationships in general are my deepest wound and most deeply-held vulnerability... which I am able to intellectualise about very nicely of course.

I have come to understand that with emotions and attachment, it's not enough to talk. It's not about what you say or what people say to you. It has to be about doing, about experiencing emotional and attachment-related behaviours in others and somehow learning to model them back. It's painful, terrifying, shattering of everything I thought I knew and believed about myself and even about therapy... but I think it's true.

I wish just "understanding" was enough.

Maddog