Are Some People Just Too Damaged To Heal?

[Shellbell]

MomOfTwo, you are I do sound very similar in our history and how we cope now.

I so relate to how you are with your children and not wanting the legacy of my childhood to be passed on to my children. I am very different to my mother, although very aware that my coping ability is no-where near as high functioning as I want to be and I feel very inadequate as a Mum most days. But, every day my children are loved, hugged, told they are loved and cherished and are thriving, happy and secure.

Writing my timeline for pastoral counselling was what ultimately drove me into my break down before I was diagnosed with PTSD and MDD. It was far too much to handle after 20 years of absolute denial and avoidance and minimisation. I'm still not completely accepting of everything. I'm still in despair and probably grieving over the realization that my mother did not love me and set me up to be abused and did not care at all when she knew I had been, particularly with both with the CSA and the 4 year total captivity/severe abuse.

I know what you mean about life imploding with the PTSD. Mine is still imploding every day.

 

[Shellbell]

Saw my T today she said this is normal for opening pandora's box. I hope I can take it!

I think a lot of how we react is completely normal for the situation and history we are dealing with when pandora's box is opened.

It doesn't mean though that normal is easy to deal with. It is incredibly hard and my heart goes out to all dealing with all this.

EMDR scares me, and I'm no where near ready for it.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Shellbell I think it is wise of you to not do emdr right now. You have a overloaded plate with what you are dealing with right now. Baby steps one at a time will get you to where you want to go. You will be in charge of your therapy process and I say good for you. Big hugs.

 

[Shellbell]

Gizmo, you are right and my T has said we're not doing it yet. I'm too unstable and have too much dissociation as well. And I need to feel safe and have more trust in my T to even talk about the big stuff, let alone do EMDR.

Big hugs to you too :hug:

 

[Rae Holt]

Hi everyone,
This is one of my question when I had a serve attack, WILL I ever recovery or am I to far damage to do so? I have made progress, than wham, a full blow attack hit me. I am currently a student, when Saturday approached, I felt confidence. I have learned to tell what cause some attacks. This weekend was due to Team work in groups. Needless to say, on 3 of us and the Professor participated out of 8. There was no group leader, I decline it, felt it was to so to accepted such a responsible yet in college.

The point is that I don't want sympathy, I want to function as I did before this all happened. I been able to flight on "Auto-pilot' as my counselor refer to it as with such ease, but no longer can do so without fear taking over that I am forgetting something, an appointment, bill, etc. After what happened, I do not trust things so easy now. That include my abilities to function on a stress free level. I been ask how I did the things I did before, just did them with little or no thought. I knew it had to be done, if thought to long on it, got overwhelmed.

Now I am trying to put the pieces back together after 13 years, feeling rob of time, events, relationships, I want to try to have close to normal as I can. There are times, when I can not breathe, my head is spinning so bad that I get physically ill, this can last for hours. A pill help quite down the shaking, breathing, but it also take time away that I did not plan for.

That when the question is the biggest, "WILL I ever recovery from this or have a normal life again?"

The stress this weekend was that I manage to be on the honor roll, and afraid to let my grade drop now I am half way in the quarter. How do I handle a team assignment, and get the best grade on it when there was no sense of the word "Team". I did manage to get it done before needed to submit it.

That when the attack hit and full blown! All the other question came with it as it had been a few week and the last one was not so bad, was I slipping back into being a recluse again? Was my trust issue one again where I question me ask well, what happen to my progress, what was the key to beating this? The question ran ramp through my head while I tried to slow my breathing. using a cool rag on my face, tell myself, I was not going to let this one be bad, but realize, it was to late. The fear grew with that thought. The next few hours are foggy at best.

This week I meet with my counselor who feel in the next 4 months, I can stop meeting with him. The progress I made, it is great, but to understand, I will always have the attacks, for that normal, but the severity is not. To stay physical activity, finish my schooling, are my first stepping stones.

To join a support group is now a new step I have taken. Here I see courage, strengthen, desire to be a person, not a label.

Give me hope that I am not to damage to be a person again, not a bundle of fear, shaking uncontrollably, sweating, head spinning, not be able to catch my breathe, becoming seclude in a safe place in my mind while this is all going on, totally disconnected, like someone unplug my soul from my body !

The question remains but said as "Can I find a safe place in my journey to be self sufficient again, or will I always need to have some one with me at all times". Am I damage to the point that I can not return to some normality or do I embrace this as it been dealt to me. I can not turn the clock back, but can I move forward from this? I did not ask for this, I did not want this, WHY me and why did this have to happen?


Yes, I am damaged, but I am still a person with emotions! The positive side of this!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sad that you are going through this. I hope your symptoms go away for you. You seem to be working really hard on yourself. Good for you for going to a support group. I imagine this will help you out alot. I do not think you are too damaged to be healed. I believe you will always have the symptoms but you will have coping skills to manage them. I am wishing you the best. Perhaps someone will answer you in a more satisfying way. Good luck.

 

[raven123]

Rae Holt, I looked for support groups high and low. Other than AA/NA (I don't do either drugs or alcohol), there is none here. It seems the deck is so stacked against me that "healing" is just a cruel joke to me. I'm ready to hang it up, just be a fake, enjoy my Bipolar (it's back) and write a new narrative.

 

[Rae Holt]

Rae Holt, I looked for support groups high and low. Other than AA/NA (I don't do either drugs or alcohol), there is none here. It seems the deck is so stacked against me that "healing" is just a cruel joke to me. I'm ready to hang it up, just be a fake, enjoy my Bipolar (it's back) and write a new narrative.

I do know how you feel. I was there once, and that when I decide that I could let them take my life away, or fight for it. I was a very outgoing person, held jobs and a single mother of two. This happen just as my children were reaching the age of adults. How I was looking forward to school, the thoughts that I be in control, then "it" happened. I still find it is easier to call it than what really happened. I will remain with that, for I found some courage where I did not think any existed. I am learning to find new courage daily, and most of all, I will not let me down. I have not always been this way, but certain events changes my life forever. Now, I am learning that if I do not control this, it can rob me further. One attack my be my last memory of conciseness if i do not fight. I revert to a place in my mind to find safety, I place I feel I belong.

Yes, I am angry, but in that angry I find the will to not let them take my sanity too.

My best years have been taken, and the thought of letting them have more, I can not think of. So I take step that scare me to death, but in those step, I find that I am not in my bottle with a cap anymore. My bottle has cracked, and in this, I search for anew. I was told by my son who is one of my caregivers, it was hard for him to watch me lock myself away, when I had fought so hard to raise them.

Somewhere in his words, I found the courage not to give up. Yes I too look for the support groups, but realize that could be a blessing that I did not find any. That when I took a pen and paper to list the pro and con of such a group. No there was none. A support board instead. I don't have to revile what happen, but could talk with other who have some of the same issue. Hear what they done to help them, to hear the worst and the best of it. It is far easier to type, than to look at other with the spill:

Hi, my name is so and so, this is what happened to me. etc etc.....

I am not looking to be judge, I do that well enough on my own. I am looking for answer or even suggestion in between the lines for my hope. I do agree with A/A and such, the does not lay my problem. I been lucky that I am not one who drinks, or does drug to cope. The fear made sure of that. Now I say daily, today is anew, what it will bring, I will have to see. No more hiding, or just existing, I need to try once again. I may stumble and have set backs, BUT I also have the progress to remind me that the scar will heal, it it just up to me on how deep I allow them to stay.

I do not believe that I will ever be fully recovered. But I do want to go driving again, to go to a restaurant with my family, to go camping which I love to do, but now it terrify me to be in the open. We all know we have some of these feeling in less quantity in our life, and over came them. I have to believe that I can over come this, but the scar and distrust I will never be able to change.

My friend, you hit more on the head of the nail than you realize. It just about destroy me, and to know that it cause such distress, I can never really wrap my brain around. I hope you do not settle for just existing, but for the laughter, happiness, are written in this forum. Here we can find other who know what we have to content with daily. This is where to find strength, courage, and not to be petty, but understood. That help me more than anything. A place where I see other who have the same issue and struggle as I do. If a few can find some hope, in just telling someone, I did not sleep good again, than so can I.

If I tried to do this, but this time I did not succeed, you do not find judgement, but understanding in why it happened and you did not succeed, or did succeed.

Either way, here, we are not label, but understood. I have settled, but now I am fighting. I do not want this to take more than it has from me, I am the only one who has that control. How much does this get to take and is there any way I can fight, thay where I have control. That the strength I am looking for. With other who can say, I understand without 50 million question to go with it.

Someone like me, just a human, not a label, yes damaged, but not by choice. That is my key to trying. I told many "never try again, I don't trust anyone to want to". Now I am learning to trust me, to know what I can or can not do. To try and fail, that is okay. At least I can say that with this disorder, I did try.

I hope to find many new to call friend here. That is a word that I was sure that was ripe from my vocabulary, and dictionary. It will take time, but this may be a way I can hold on to what progress I make with the courage of those who have no idea that they are giving me courage. If I fail, than no one is the wiser either.

So yes, I still hide in fear, but found new way of courage in this disorder too. That is the amazing side of it. Thank you for saying what I could not about support group, this is more, people with real emotion, understanding and sincere support regardless of what I decide to share. Thank you for say this, and bring a light to what I could not say. Also to bring out why I came and joined. To be a real person with ones who really understand me. Please do not yet give up, tomorrow are full of tomorrows.

 

[raven123]

Please do not yet give up, tomorrow are full of tomorrows.

Rae, it is awesome you are fighting it. You have kids to fight for, too. You have been lucky to also have the therapy you needed. Unlike yourself, I have no one to fight for or with. Nobody besides online (met a bunch that all seem to disappear after I helped them and listen to them) has ever cared if I recovered, too, or much cared about me at all. Many women told me I wasn't good enough for them and I've been alone for 40 years since my rape. I cried just a few hours ago about losses, but it changed little (I feel nothing still) but got rid of the rage I felt all day yesterday.

My shot at having kids is pretty much over now thanks to the useless women I've met that told me I wasn't good enough or had too much baggage. Not sure I want a teen when I'm in my late 60's. I'm 44. So many people in society are fakes it is not like I won't fit right in, and those fakes definitely include lots of women I've met and known that only cared about two things--a guy's wallet and what they can get from it. The decent women like you were all married I met.

The worst I ever met? A woman that let me take her to dinner because she was hungry, didn't want to pay for it herself then had the nerve to tell me that the next day. I told her, "FU, you'll make some stupid man miserable one day." She's been divorced 5 times last I heard and is broke (like me). Karma is a bitch, baby.

I've also been in corporate America. It is loaded with fakes, liars and general scoundrels. But, the worst people I've met were therapists. Recovery is, unfortunately, expensive, too. Therapists in the past ripped me off for over 30 thousand dollars and did nothing for me but lie about what they could do to get a check.

I wonder if the real, truly f-ed people and downright sickos and sociopaths don't exist more among the therapist ranks than in prisons for the criminally insane to be totally honest. They had no problem taking advantage of me when I was really low. That is why I am almost ready to just give up and fake it. :(

Thank you for chatting, but I have no clue what to do. I can't win for losing it seems.

 

[Helliepig]

I feel like I am functioning far worse now after starting EMDR than before. I do not know how much longer I can take this. I want to go back in time and take a different path. I want it all to go away.

As someone who has done EMDR for years with multiple trauma I know exactly what you are saying. EMDR is a powerful tool; all it does is stir up processing and link up bits that weren't linked, so it is like a great big truth drug. The problem isn't the therapy itself, it's the fact that, like all successful therapies, you have to reach a point where the coping mechanisms, denial, dissociations and beliefs that have got you through get dismantled.

The pain that drove you to form all those defences in the first place had to be pretty bad to cause PTSD. So once you start opening it up it is a bit of a pandora's box. Kind of, you've started so you have to finish.

Many a time I've had to face and integrate memories and pain that was unbearable, (hence why it wasn't intergrated in the first place) and it's been like discovering a murky horror filled world that didn't feel like me or mine. I didn't want it.... many time I wanted to run back to the denial and defences of the "old" me before I started.

I think facing that stuff is the hardest thing you have to do. Of course it shakes everything up - but I guess it's the price we have to pay for healing. It isn't fair, but there it is.

I wanted to quote this from "multiple personality disorder from the outside in":

"... Never have I felt so insane as these last months of my therapy. The disorientation of mind and senses....the inability to focus or concetnrate - all let loose by the process of recovery. I understand that these symptoms are side effects of the recovery process and yet I must say "the cure is worse than the disease". Only because I believe that this is a time-limited condition , and that it will change, can I force myself to continue...."
Carol T

 

[MomOfTwo]

Rae, I understand what you say when you said " Hi, my name is so and so, this is what happened to me. etc etc..... "
I don't think I could ever join a support group and most of them are mixed groups and I really don't feel comfortable being around men I do not know. Even women in the sense that if you are in the same community confidentiality does not always happen. There is great peace in anonymity in a forum that you do not get in a group setting.

I am glad you have a family that supports you and a son that has been taking you under his wing. It is great that you are going to school. I am sure that must be challenging but feel good as well.

 

[Abstract]

. The problem isn't the therapy itself, it's the fact that, like all successful therapies, you have to reach a point where the coping mechanisms, denial, dissociations and beliefs that have got you through get dismantled.

Hellipig,
Thank you for sharing your insights and information here. I appreciate it as am very confused at present. Can't tell what is real or not. Its like I am surrounded by an impenetrable wall of these things.