Sufferer Odd Childhood Revisiting Me Years Later

[Debbet]

Hello, I am new to all this so please bear with me. I had an odd and uneven childhood that came back to bite me in the butt once I had children of my own.

I have my first visit, as an adult, with a psycologist on the 26th which is next Monday. I have no idea how to explain my original trauma other than to say that my sister and I were nearly Kidnapped as children (age 7 and age 5) by some man after being left on a corner by our mother while she went to work.

We had no home at the time so being left outside was new and scary for me. I don't think it really registered with my younger sister, since I was almost always her babysitter, we were just usually in an apartment or boarding house. When I had children I began to revisit that street corner in my dreams at night.

A sudden crisis in my life developed into flashbacks and horrible panic attacks. My original diagnoses was clinical depression, which I am being medicated for with Paxil. I know all the triggers and all the breathing exercises, visualization, meditation, etc. but nothing is really helping.

I am hoping this forum and talking with my new Dr. will help me get a handle on this since it is slowly robbing me of my life and I am not sure how much longer I can go on.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I am so sad about what happened to you as a child. You are an amazing survivor. I hope you will find the help and support you seek here to aid you in your healing process. It is nice to meet you.

 

[Debbet]

Thank you. I don't really feel like much of a survivor lately. When I was a child and this incident happened it really did not seem to be the huge deal it has become. It was scary and very upsetting but I had no idea that it would affect my life so profoundly. Some of what I have read here makes me realize again how bad it could have been. I just want to try and understand what works to help with this what doesn't work and what I can expect next. Thank you for the warm welcome.

 

[Pencil]

Welcome Debbet. I think many sufferers have the 'how bad it could have been' reaction, which still does not minimise what happened, which is more complicated than being nearly kidnapped, as you were homeless, or so I gather. You'll find this community to be very supportive.

 

[Abstract]

I think this is an awful thing for a little girl to go through and being responsible for your sister and not having a home must have made it so much more intense. Welcome here.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[Debbet]

Welcome Debbet. I think many sufferers have the 'how bad it could have been' reaction, which still does not minimise what happened, which is more complicated than being nearly kidnapped, as you were homeless, or so I gather. You'll find this community to be very supportive.

I think that is what I need most, I am so afraid. yes, it is very much more complicated and hard for me to go into details. This incident is the triggering event but as my title said my childhood was uneven and more than a little strange. I am terrified that my children are suffering from my mistakes. I am barely functioning and my girls NEED a mother and right now I suck at that, among other things.

 

[Debbet]

I think this is an awful thing for a little girl to go through and being responsible for your sister and not having a home must have made it so much more intense. Welcome here.

Thank you. It was becoming homeless last year that caused the flashbacks. My daughter faced a life-threatening illness last August and as a consequence we (my three daughters and I) became homeless, long story there, I feel that I am failing as a mom. Which is my most important role in life.

 

[Debbet]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Thank you

 

[Debbet]

where do I go now?

 

[Pencil]

where do I go now?

What do you mean?

If your T does things properly, she will take you through therapy that is done in 3 stages. The first stage is supposed to focus on creating safety - which includes getting you into a safe place to live, as well as safety within therapy. It is further supposed to focus on educating you regarding PTSD - to make you aware of what happened to you and how you ended up where you are now. It helps to read about PTSD as much as possible. There are docs on this forum, but you need to read widely. I recommend http://www.dhss.delaware.gov/dsamh/files/si10_1396_article1.pdf

Yes, being a mother is the most important role in your life, but you have done the best the could with what you have, please don't beat yourself up about it. Therapy will help you deal with what happened and with equipping you with skills to do better in future. I have a daughter and I feel very guilty about a lot of things, so I know where you're coming from.

Keep talking.

 

[Mary Black]

For decades I told myself I was strong and tried to avoid feeling much because I felt it would empower those who preyed upon me. Only now as I get older and look back do I see what I survived. I finally have time to reflect in a reasonably safe quiet place and it's been hitting me like a ton of bricks. You might just have to process this for a while. It might not always be so bad. Blessings.

Thank you. I don't really feel like much of a survivor lately. When I was a child and this incident happened it really did not seem to be the huge deal it has become. It was scary and very upsetting but I had no idea that it would affect my life so profoundly. Some of what I have read here makes me realize again how bad it could have been. I just want to try and understand what works to help with this what doesn't work and what I can expect next. Thank you for the warm welcome.