Childhood Almost 50 Years Later My Childhood Abuse Still Casts a Dark Shadow Over My Life

[David1959]

Thank you all your words are appreciated. You might not see me for a few days or weeks as I don't handle emotion very well and need some time to absorb it

 

[Abstract]

Totally understand that. We shall wait for your return when its right for you.

 

[katz]

I am a survivor, sort of of childhood abuse and did not say a word to anyone in the world for 45 years, then my world came crashing down. After a series of professional set backs about 4 years ago I slipped into a very deep depressions accompanied by horrible flashbacks to me as a 10 year old being abused. It was not a revelation, I have known for my entire life that between about 10-13 I was repeatedly abused by a pedophile who was an acquaintance of the family, no one knew.

At the very lowest point of my depression I finally went to a therapist and told my story or at least what I could remember of it to a living person and to myself. After telling a living person my deep secret for the first time I was then able to tell my loving wife who carried me on her back through my depression. After therapy with a wonderful Dr whom I was lucky to find only 6 months before she retired and medication I was finally able to crawl out of the hole and able to function. I am left with part of me wanting to remember exactly what happened to me and part of me scared to remember.

It is now 4 years later and I am back to a functioning adult but not resolved. The therapist who had been practicing for 50 years and had been using EMDR for 30 years once commented that I had the strongest and most resistive mind she had ever seen, my disassociation was like a steel wall. I was not cured so to speak as a matter of fact while it allowed me to survive it created more questions about my life than answers.

What I learned was every aspect of my life has been guided by an invisible had in a lot of ways and decisions I have made have been unknowingly influenced. I realize I am broken in ways I can only barely understand. Here are a few of the effects on my life I can at least recognize if not understand and control;

• I have a hard time forgiving people for anything
• It is impossible to forgive myself for letting this happen
• I have acquaintances but no friends
• I was a heavy drug user from about 13-20 (oddly I did not smoke pot for about 30 years but have started again)
• I am never out of control, no matter how high or whatever circumstances
• I disassociate in difficult situations
• I am both viewed by the outside world in business as a success and extremely innovative and smart but inside I view myself as a scared incompetent child

I am beginning to realize that I need to start therapy again to learn all the ways my decisions are based on my abuse and how to recognize and adjust as needed.

Welcome to the forum. And thank you for starting this discussion. I have also grown up with a lot of these feelings - or lack of. I was hurt at a very young age and by multiple people. It continued to happen as I grew older, both by family members and now by outsiders. Some strangers, some not.

I can certainly understand the "no feelings" part. One of the things that I want most from my life is "to feel". I learned early on that it is not something you are supposed to do. Growing up in an unemotional family and being abused also. It is something that I wish I could do. I can feel for others and be sad for them. But, I have never been able to find any feelings for myself.

I hope you are able to find what you're looking for.