Love And Intimacy

[discarded]

Thanks to everyone for their comments and support. He was starting to convince me that I am the one who is strange for wanting an explanation of any kind as to why after 28 years he can just dump me in the blink an eye, no questions asked. I know he is in a bad way but he can't even say I will talk when I am ready. I really just don't get it. If he wants answers I am expected to give them. I am tired of living with 2 sets of rules.

 

[Sues]

It is of course very different if he asks me something, I am expected to answer straight away.

He sounds very controlling, like my ex. Everything has to be his way and he's always right.

Might be best to just go on and live your life and not expect any explanations. And when he asks you something, ignore him.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Really, no.

It is selfish of me to be with anyone because nobody deserves to be burdened by me and my disorder.

 

[saffy]

It is selfish of me to be with anyone because nobody deserves to be burdened by me and my disorder

I think we can all feel that ScaredofLonely, you are right. However, on the flip side, sometimes I think we should give that decision to them rather than make it for them. If that makes sense.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[p-no]

Life goes on I guess even if it is miserable.

Sounds a lot like my ex. Although I quit after 13 years, I dealt with all the abuse too long. Life does go on. And it is not miserable. Once I was out, I was a lot better off. It took a while to reclaim my life, but now it is my life and it is abuse-free.

Where there is abuse, there is no love. So if there is abuse and then the abuse stops, there may be nothing much at first but sometimes nothing much is a lot better than what there has been before. Missing the good times is just missing part of the whole relationship.

Kyle, I suffer for one reason: I choose the wrong men to be intimate with. They are abusive and abuse my trust. Trust is vital for intimacy and I choose to give it, but to the wrong people. I am working hard on this one. I think, making a different choice with who it really is I put my trust in, will have great effects on my problems with intimacy.

 

[99Phoenix99]

ALthough for me I find it easy to love someone, not get the love back. If that makes sense.

I can understand that. I really do like people. And I do love them whether as a sibling, a daughter, or a friend. I love them a great deal. My difficulty is EXPRESSING that. I value those people so much it's hard to even discribe.

But as soon as someone shows me affection... I don't know what to do with it. I don't feel like I deserve it.

 

[saffy]

Once I was out, I was a lot better off

That is good news Prime-no :)


Some people do stay in these type of uneuqual relationships for much longer than I could endure. I always like to beleive that a relationship should make you happy not the other way round. It is not supposed to be miserable or hard work. IF it is then someone is not pulling their weight so to speak.

I had a long hard talk with my daughter about this the other day. She ended up making the decision to break it off with her fiance because she realised they just both wanted different things now. She was not happy and it was really getting her down. He was unprepared to start looking towards the future and put some effort in. He also started to make shitty comments about her work etc etc. How Dare he! On this note I said well you can continue with this it will just grind you down further and you will start to resent him and loose your self esteem.

FOr me know I have certainly found that I am going to be a lot more fussy and expect a lot more equal respect and caring etc from a partner. If they let me down then they go. I am not sticking around anymore thinking they will change. They will not it is in their character and we are not compatible. I think realising that early on can help avoid lots of heartache. Putting it into practise though is another ball game altogether :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

But as soon as someone shows me affection... I don't know what to do with it

Ditto 99Pheonix99.

I consider myself a caring, empathic and considerate person, normally putting the other person first in everything. However, making other people happy makes me happy thats just me. I think though that some people can really take advantage of this.......

I have just realised what is missing!!! THere is nothing wrong with being considerate etc but you have to put in boundaries so that your own needs are met also. THey would continue to take advantage because I bloody let them! DUH ;)

guess that was my lightbulb moment :roflmao:

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Loner]

I know what love is, I just never seem to get it. I miss my dog, only person to ever love me. I think its everyone else that doesnt know what love is, not me.

 

[Shellbell]

I think when you have very abusive parents, who do not model love, but show the opposite, and many more people abuse you, you don't learn how to fully love, or trust. There is a deeply ingrained protection system in place, and after 40 years, for me, is almost unbreakable.

I love my children unconditionally, but that's different to any other kind of relationship. I am trying to let myself love a few of my friends in a way that allows the barriers to come down and take a chance.

But, I don't believe I will ever be able to have true love and real intimacy, in an intimate relationship ever.

 

[KatB]

I know someone said here, but I have seen what love is and how it should be. I have also experienced it, but now, I don't think I can receive or even really accept love because of the feeling of self-hatred. Life has turned its ugly head and I know that what my parents/family have given me is not complete and unconditional, as it's supposed to be. It might seem foolish or selfish of me to think this, but I believe that Biblical verse that says that mentioned how the biggest hurt or pain anyone can receive comes from our family.

Never really been good with guys. Something has always failed and the last one, our dating, ended up in a mutual breakup that feels real til this day. I don't believe love is my strongest component now; its the opposite and to express the gritty of it, I don't think ppl want to hear my painful background.

 

[Mary Black]

Over time I'm becoming healthier in my choice of mates, I think. I learn from my mistakes. But I do have this problem of being so nurturing to people that they take me for granted. They love me but they don't actively appreciate me if that makes sense. And it really hurts. I don't want to be someone's mother or enabler anyway.

As for your ex he sounds like he is in a very selfish phase right now. Of course he loved you once. Maybe he doesn't remember that. Still, you are better off without him since he did that.