It has been a long while since I last posted. A lot has happened since then. We now have a beautiful set of twin boys (six months) and of course our amazingly cute 2 1/2 year old son. We purchased a home in 2011, have had my mother move in with us, etc.
A quick recap of our situation - Hubs was diagnosed with PTSD from combat, but mainly childhood abuse, etc. He is in treatment, is taking medications and all of that, but in the last two years since he actually started seeing a therapist and taking medications, he has regressed back to square one and simply stayed there. The bouncing between therapists because of the awesome job of military medicine (note - Sarcasm) hasn't helped much at all. The fact that he is maxed out on his meds and breaking through isn't good, but to add insult to injury, they are refusing to change his medication because of our family 'issues'.
What are those issues? I am fed up with getting yelled at, raged at, seeing dings and dents in the walls. I am tired of getting the blame, of trying to help and getting told 'I don't understand', and getting zip for help from those famed "doctors" of his. I am scared that something is going to get launched through the house and hit one of our kids. I am pissed off that I have to shelter our kids from this. The babies just think there is noise going on, but I know this is unhealthy for them. The 2 year old is being affected by hub's out bursts and rages, always asking me if I am ok, if daddy is ok, getting very sad at times. I am sick and tired of having to jump between tending our children and trying to get hubs to calm down while juggling two bottles, a sippy cup, two dogs and the rest of the house. I am exhausted.
There was a trigger moment for him about a week or so ago. He exploded and this lasted well over 2 hours. At one point I was folding laundry and he was trying to move me so he could 'help' (tight quarters where the laundry room is.) I asked him to stop, said I could handle it and even used my nice voice. No sarcasm, no nothing. At one point he told me that I could take the kids and my mother and get the hell out. All I could do was tell him alright, but can we do that on pay day? Another point I came into the house with my arms full of clothes, him still raging and the kids doing what kids do. He asked what he could do to help as he is trying to grab everything from me and nearly knocking me over (unintentional, I know this) and I said for him to just move the baby gate so I could get down the hall. Yea, I was a little frustrated at that point. This had gone on for over an hour at this point and nothing was working to calm him down. So he picked up the baby gate and pitched it down the hall, leaving a nice dent in the wall at the end. Thankfully, I knew where the 2 year old was. Had he come out of his room, he would have gotten hit by the gate. Hubs didn't even think, he reacted. That was the last. damn. straw.
So when he calmed down enough, finally, I told him I was done. I have nothing left to give him. I am empty. Passive. And honestly, starting to not care anymore. I am feeling myself get more frustrated at things when I am not normally. I am finding I am starting to slam things more often, which is out of my character, and I am finding that I am getting pissed off much easier. This is not who I am. This is not who I WANT to be. So I told him I was done. He raged some more on that one, he calmed, we talked and I said... one more time. You have one more chance. We had an appointment with his therapist (first time one has actually wanted to really talk to me or have me involved at all) and we also had an appointment with a marriage councilor in the same week. I was willing. I wanted to make this work.
Monday evening he said he had a headache and was tired. I said go lay down. No anger or frustration and I remained as calm as I absolutely could. It was also time to feed the twins and dinner would need to get started soon as well. (Life gets really crazy around here in the evenings). But I was ok with him laying down. I knew he was tired, figured he'd probably not be getting up for dinner and I was fine with that. He, apparently didn't think I was. He said he would help with the twins and I explained that I didn't mind feeding them on my own, I have it down to a science by now and to go lay down and rest. Apparently that was a bad call on my part because he, once again, raged at me for a good while. Between trying to get the kids fed and dealing with him, I grew cold, withdrawn and I just quit caring at that point. I explained that it was over.
He does not want it to end, I cannot keep doing this and I cannot subject our children to this insanity. The two year old is starting to rage and this is beyond a normal 2 year old. He is picking some of this up and that is NOT acceptable. Hubs keeps telling me he is trying, he is working, he is this or that, but it has been a long, long time and a lot of work and there is little to no real progress.
I had promised him I would go to the therapy session before and I kept my word. I went. We went. It has been discovered that I am the new replacement for his mother since he cut her out of his life. I am a mother, yes, but I am not his mother. I am his wife. What. The. Hell? But that is who he is raging at and why he rages at me. I had figured this before, but to be told it flat out was a little smacking to the cheek. I know it isn't personal, but it still hurts. I didn't do things to him growing up. His step dad did. I didn't ignore him and abandon him when he needed to be protected, his mother did. So why am I being punished for their faults? What did I do? He said he loves me to the moon and back. I asked why he rages so hard at me, screams some pretty nasty things at me, if he loves me so much. He gave me no answer.
We are still going to the marriage councilor this week and we have another appointment with his therapist after that. I am going because no matter what, I DO still love him and I DO still want him to be happy, to learn how to cope and all of that. But the way it seems from this perspective is that -I- am his trigger. How is that healthy for anyone involved?
So, given my side of this little tale, what do I do? Do I stick it out "for the sake of the kids" and keep trying? Keep bashing my head against the brick wall? Or do I get the hell out, try to make it as amicable as possible and hope for the best? Either way I am scared to death. If I stay, I have to continue to deal with his raging, his throwing, etc. If I go I have to figure out how the hell to raise three boys by myself. Each path is scary and dark and I am so tired of scary and dark and hard.
Why is it this f*cking hard?
Thanks
A quick recap of our situation - Hubs was diagnosed with PTSD from combat, but mainly childhood abuse, etc. He is in treatment, is taking medications and all of that, but in the last two years since he actually started seeing a therapist and taking medications, he has regressed back to square one and simply stayed there. The bouncing between therapists because of the awesome job of military medicine (note - Sarcasm) hasn't helped much at all. The fact that he is maxed out on his meds and breaking through isn't good, but to add insult to injury, they are refusing to change his medication because of our family 'issues'.
What are those issues? I am fed up with getting yelled at, raged at, seeing dings and dents in the walls. I am tired of getting the blame, of trying to help and getting told 'I don't understand', and getting zip for help from those famed "doctors" of his. I am scared that something is going to get launched through the house and hit one of our kids. I am pissed off that I have to shelter our kids from this. The babies just think there is noise going on, but I know this is unhealthy for them. The 2 year old is being affected by hub's out bursts and rages, always asking me if I am ok, if daddy is ok, getting very sad at times. I am sick and tired of having to jump between tending our children and trying to get hubs to calm down while juggling two bottles, a sippy cup, two dogs and the rest of the house. I am exhausted.
There was a trigger moment for him about a week or so ago. He exploded and this lasted well over 2 hours. At one point I was folding laundry and he was trying to move me so he could 'help' (tight quarters where the laundry room is.) I asked him to stop, said I could handle it and even used my nice voice. No sarcasm, no nothing. At one point he told me that I could take the kids and my mother and get the hell out. All I could do was tell him alright, but can we do that on pay day? Another point I came into the house with my arms full of clothes, him still raging and the kids doing what kids do. He asked what he could do to help as he is trying to grab everything from me and nearly knocking me over (unintentional, I know this) and I said for him to just move the baby gate so I could get down the hall. Yea, I was a little frustrated at that point. This had gone on for over an hour at this point and nothing was working to calm him down. So he picked up the baby gate and pitched it down the hall, leaving a nice dent in the wall at the end. Thankfully, I knew where the 2 year old was. Had he come out of his room, he would have gotten hit by the gate. Hubs didn't even think, he reacted. That was the last. damn. straw.
So when he calmed down enough, finally, I told him I was done. I have nothing left to give him. I am empty. Passive. And honestly, starting to not care anymore. I am feeling myself get more frustrated at things when I am not normally. I am finding I am starting to slam things more often, which is out of my character, and I am finding that I am getting pissed off much easier. This is not who I am. This is not who I WANT to be. So I told him I was done. He raged some more on that one, he calmed, we talked and I said... one more time. You have one more chance. We had an appointment with his therapist (first time one has actually wanted to really talk to me or have me involved at all) and we also had an appointment with a marriage councilor in the same week. I was willing. I wanted to make this work.
Monday evening he said he had a headache and was tired. I said go lay down. No anger or frustration and I remained as calm as I absolutely could. It was also time to feed the twins and dinner would need to get started soon as well. (Life gets really crazy around here in the evenings). But I was ok with him laying down. I knew he was tired, figured he'd probably not be getting up for dinner and I was fine with that. He, apparently didn't think I was. He said he would help with the twins and I explained that I didn't mind feeding them on my own, I have it down to a science by now and to go lay down and rest. Apparently that was a bad call on my part because he, once again, raged at me for a good while. Between trying to get the kids fed and dealing with him, I grew cold, withdrawn and I just quit caring at that point. I explained that it was over.
He does not want it to end, I cannot keep doing this and I cannot subject our children to this insanity. The two year old is starting to rage and this is beyond a normal 2 year old. He is picking some of this up and that is NOT acceptable. Hubs keeps telling me he is trying, he is working, he is this or that, but it has been a long, long time and a lot of work and there is little to no real progress.
I had promised him I would go to the therapy session before and I kept my word. I went. We went. It has been discovered that I am the new replacement for his mother since he cut her out of his life. I am a mother, yes, but I am not his mother. I am his wife. What. The. Hell? But that is who he is raging at and why he rages at me. I had figured this before, but to be told it flat out was a little smacking to the cheek. I know it isn't personal, but it still hurts. I didn't do things to him growing up. His step dad did. I didn't ignore him and abandon him when he needed to be protected, his mother did. So why am I being punished for their faults? What did I do? He said he loves me to the moon and back. I asked why he rages so hard at me, screams some pretty nasty things at me, if he loves me so much. He gave me no answer.
We are still going to the marriage councilor this week and we have another appointment with his therapist after that. I am going because no matter what, I DO still love him and I DO still want him to be happy, to learn how to cope and all of that. But the way it seems from this perspective is that -I- am his trigger. How is that healthy for anyone involved?
So, given my side of this little tale, what do I do? Do I stick it out "for the sake of the kids" and keep trying? Keep bashing my head against the brick wall? Or do I get the hell out, try to make it as amicable as possible and hope for the best? Either way I am scared to death. If I stay, I have to continue to deal with his raging, his throwing, etc. If I go I have to figure out how the hell to raise three boys by myself. Each path is scary and dark and I am so tired of scary and dark and hard.
Why is it this f*cking hard?
Thanks
