What Does Isolating Look Like In Your Relationship?

[HollyB]

I'm curious how isolating manifests itself in your relationships. Does the sufferer physically hide? Not respond to communication at all? Or pick and choose what and how they respond? Or are they present and physically around but just keeping their distance?

BF told me over the weekend for the first time that being around people makes him uncomfortable, and those people include me. :( He wouldn't elaborate further. He's responsive to my efforts to chit chat, but my invitations to see each other are going ignored. :(

 

[HollyB]

Gosh, I don't know what I'm doing wrong that people aren't responding to my threads. :(

I have an additional question, if anyone cares to help.

I'm wondering if it's safe/okay/a good or bad idea, when he seems to isolate, to ask if that's what he's doing. That is to say, something like, "Hey, do you need some time to yourself? If so, I'll leave you be for a bit."

I'm struggling with his need for consistency for me, versus feeling like I'm being a pest and annoying him.

Which is better? Continuing light contact and support until he comes back around? Or recognizing that he *might* be isolating and leaving him be? Or...what?

 

[discarded]

My newly exhusband would just go downstairs to the rumpus on his own and watch, or rather sleep through the TV programs. He avoids all questions other than trivia, either just goes silent, gets angry or fires a question back. He keeps to himself and drinks a lot. He moved out of our bedroom. He won't even communicate with me enough to talk about our 11 year old and if he wants to see her, I guess he doesn't. I am now going to have to do property settlement etc on my own becasue he won't discuss it with me. I left him 3 months ago because I couldn't take the isolation any more. I tried everything I thought would help him but it pushed him away more. He lives in our house and I rent with my daughter. Our other children are adults. There really is no meaningful communication and I can't see that changing. He seems happy to give up on our 28 years together just so he can live his hermit lifestyle.

You can ask whatever questions you like and will depend entirely on the moment as to what response you get. One day it may irritate him, the next it could be just want he wants to hear, that you are in tune with him. I don't have the answers for you. No questions work for me.. Hopefully others will have some useful advice.

 

[Jezebel]

Mine has moved into a separate bed, and goes out of his way not to touch me. Conversation is kept very light, nothing more than the most trivial stuff is discussed. If I try to bring up anything of substance I get accused of ambushing him.

 

[myvetswife]

It can be sitting on a chair in the same room, but not really facing me. It can be beeing in a seperate room. It can be leaving the house. It can be not talking. Everybody is different.

The major thing is communication if he is able to. We agreed that my hubby tries to tell me what he needs. And I try not to pester him.

 

[KatB]

Isolation comes in different ways for everyone, including me. I do all of the above: physically separate myself from others, distance myself and be alone in my own room, keep conversations short and to the point but dry and nothing too detailed, just help with the main things for my parents, etc.

Unfortunately, it all goes back to not being comfortable in our own skin to be around others and the idea that people are suspicious.

 

[ms spock]

Which is better? Continuing light contact and support until he comes back around? Or recognizing that he *might* be isolating and leaving him be? Or...what?

I am not sure HollyB.

How much therapy has he done? Is his trauma adult or developmental? Is he abusing alcohol or drugs? Is he able to communicate with you well when he is not isolating?

 

[discarded]

Mine has moved into a separate bed, and goes out of his way not to touch me. Conversation is kept very light, nothing more than the most trivial stuff is discussed. If I try to bring up anything of substance I get accused of ambushing him.

sounds oh so familiar!!!

 

[Dallas]

Being in the hospital for three...going on four weeks...:(

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Deleted member 17790]

I found reading the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft mind blowing and insightful- awesome book about controlling and emotionally abusive thinking and behaviours - a bible for me. The behaviour you're describing could be a form of coercive control - withholding contact. If so it's designed as a way of maintaining power and it's cruel. I educated myself about power and control behaviours versus healthy relating behaviours......

 

[MissMacD]

I have been in a relationship for 3 years and have had to establish boundaries so that I don't have to resort to isolation. If I am put out of my comfort zone too much I isolate myself. I moved in with my boyfriend last year and since we have made lots of little adjustments to ensure that we are both having our needs met.

I have my own room in our apartment that nobody is allowed in without knocking on the door first. I often sleep in that room because my ongoing sleep issues mean that I rarely get much sleep if I stay in the same room as my boyfriend.

It has taken time for both of us to understand why I need to step back from the lover part of our relationship at times and work on the friendship part. We have as a result become more loving of each other as we learn to respect each others boundaries. At first when I suggested to have my own room in the apartment my boyfriend was really opposed to it but has warmed up to the idea and understands it is so that I can rest properly and have a place to go when I feel overwhelmed. The result is that I actually spend more time with him then when we shared a room.

Being in a relationship and having PTSD can be really taxing but learning to understand each other and learning how to put into simple words what you need is the cement in a very solid foundation. He may not always do what I want him to do when I feel like crap but he has been there every step of the way. I cannot expect him to perfectly play out my version of his role in my battle with PTSD. I need to have realistic expectations from him and use his strengths to help me recover instead of what he is incapable of doing.

Lately I have been leaving him little notes around the house and sending him random emails at work to remind him that he is appreciated and valued despite how much of me my PTSD consumes. Relationships and PTSD are so much work but I'd rather him any day to being alone. He is always there and has never refused me when I need a hug or simple comfort of someone to snuggle with. He listens without judgement.

These things haven't been instant, they are all works in progress at some time.

 

[Lucycat]

For me, as the sufferer it is staying in the house whenever possible.

Rory enjoys meeting his friends in the pub in the evenings, I'll go too unless I am isolating and then I simply don't feel like it. Would rather be home alone. TV on but not even watching it. If friends ask me to go out I don't want to. I don't answer the telephone. Don't even check it to see who is calling. If I am isolating at work I simply do not engage in conversations with my colleagues. It is easy to sit with my back to them all if I am facing a computer screen! I do force myself to engage with my clients as I don't want to let them down, but it can be a huge effort.

I have never moved out of the bedroom, but can see the appeal when it is really bad.

As for whether to ask your sufferer if they want time alone, I am not sure. If I have been isolating for just a day or two thats sort of OK. If it goes on for longer than that Rory will usually persuade me to go out, either with him or a friend to try and break the cycle. Isolation - for me at least- leads to negative thinking, rumination and the beginning of a downward spiral. So I have to make every effort to break out of it, usually with a big push!!