I'm So Stupid.

[99Phoenix99]

I'm so stupid.

So stupid to think things were going to be better. So stupid to think the worst was behind me.

To think I thought it was over. I thought all my medical problems in my past were just that. IN MY PAST.

I should have known better. It's been like this for a decade. Have a medical trauma. Regroup. Find it within myself to give life a shot again. Then BAM. Medical trauma that takes me out for the count. Over and over and over again.

Why did I think this time would be any different?

Why did I let myself have hope?

Why did I allow myself the luxery of having goals and dreams?

I stopped myself from having these things for years. And I ACCEPTED IT. I knew there was no hope. So I wouldn't allow myself it.

Why? WHY was I so stupid to forget that? So stupid as to let myself feel?

I will NEVER have those things. My body has been systematically shutting down on me since I've been 15. I lose some physical capability. Then learn to accept that. Learn to move on from it. Only to lose another capability.

Slowly but surely my body is failing.

It's dying.

And so am I.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

This isn't living.

This is barely existing. This is clinging to life. This is constant erosion. Every single day a little bit more is taken away from me.

Making me less and less capable then the last day.

I will never be able to live a life independently.

How could I? I had to medically withdraw from college.

I can't get a job.

Who would hire me?

I am a liability.

I am a burdon.

I don't even know why my parents care. I'm nothing but a burdon to them. I've caused them nothing worry and pain.

Oh God. I made them cry. AGAIN.

That's all I ever do to them. Make them cry.

And then I have to comfort them. I have to downplay how I feel. Because I did that to them. I MADE THEM FALL APART. ME.

I know why I isolated myself now. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve friendship. I don't deserve any of it. I'm nothing but a cancer. All I do is hurt people. And when I'm in remission all I do is make them worry. Make them think when's the next time it'll happen? When's the next time she's going to be medically destroyed?

No one deserves that. No one. I won't allow it. I won't be the source of pain or constant worry. I will keep my distance. It doesn't matter what I want. What I want and what I feel are inconsequential. I won't bother the people who have a chance to live. The people who are capable.

I am worthless.

All I see is horror in others' eyes when they learn about me.

When doctors look at my medical history they stare at me with fascination. Nurses shake their head and pity me. "Poor thing" they say.

I'm not even a person to them.

I'm just a pet lab rat that they keep cutting up.

I can't relate to people.

The only people I can relate to are the older generation. The ones that are in retirement homes. The ones where all their self respect and independence has been stripped from them because of their frailty. Because they are trapped. Trapped in a body that won't work. In a body that betrays them. And their dependent on others to take care of them.

And it doesn't matter how hard I try to take care of myself.

It doesn't matter that I'm trying to cut myself some slack.

It doesn't matter that I'm trying to be kind to myself.

Because in the end I will never be free from this hell. Sure I might make small improvements but on the whole?

It's pointless.

It's like putting a pink unicorn band-aid on a gushing and torn artery.

It's a nice thought but it's utterly and completely pointless.

I need to relearn this.

I need to know my place in life and not let myself dream of grandeur ever again. It will only shatter and hurt worse than it does now.

From now on I'm just going to cope. Just endure it.

Endure life.

And wait for the day when it ends.

Then I'll finally be relieved.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Phoenix))) My heart goes out to you. I wish I had the words to comfort you. I can only grieve with you. I am listening to support you. I do not think you are stupid. I think you are in alot of pain and anguish and grief. Hugs.

 

[discarded]

You're not stupid, you are just human. You are allowed to feel and have dreams and set goals. It sucks though that they seem to always be in vain. I often wonder just how much any of us are capable of enduring, what will be our final breaking point? Why do we have to suffer this way when others do not? You are stronger than most for having suffered so much and yet not given in when it would have been the easier option.

You are lucky to have your parents and that they care so much. Parents (well most) give unconditional love no matter how old their children are, no matter what struggles they endure. Don't feel bad about how you feel or that it has hurt them, they know you are doing your best in such difficult circumstances. I don't know what lies ahead after we leave this life, I just hope it is way better than what this life has dealt. (((hugs))))

 

[angel2write]

((Phoenix))

The hardest thing for me is when I realize I am a burden to the people who care for me, too.

It always makes me feel suicidal, so I sympathize. But I hope this passes for you and you do find a reason to live, and a reason to be glad you are alive. As long as you can communicate you can touch other people's lives... you touched mine today.

 

[NarcSis]

(((Phoenix)))

Discarded said it, you're human and with being human comes everything we feel and everything we endure.

You're not worthless, you're simply in pain, angry and grieving; we've all been in your shoes, feeling those feelings and wishing we could find peace.

Humans are not constructed with steel, we're made of flesh, soft, flawed, easily damaged flesh and this flesh is not what makes you, You. It's that enduring spirit, the one that smiles, feels love and can see wonder in the world despite what the body is going through - that is you and that is your strength, nothing can ever take that from you.

I wish you peaceful thoughts, I've felt your inner pain.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Thank you all for your responses.. thank you I just... I wish I could believe it.

I really do believe I'm worthless. I have so much to offer. SO MUCH. But I'm phsyically incapable. What's the point have having the potential if you can't do anything with it?

I actually journaled something a week ago the day after Thanksgiving... but refused to upload it on this site. Thinking it was too... depressing. That I was being paranoid. I thought I was above that. But well... it only seems fitting now...


"I'm really afraid right now....

I had an AMAZING DAY today. I ran around and chased after my little cousins playing hide and seek and other kid games. I was feeling very confident in myself. I even was in my Holiday best with some sassy little boots I just bought this week. I had very little anxiety while talking to relatives even when they asked me the dreaded "what have you been up to? When are you going back to school?" questions because I had practiced exactly what I was going to say. It was a great day. I felt like... I felt like ME. The old me. The happy me.

I can feel myself getting better and better by the day emotionally and physically but... I'm really terrified right now. The last time I felt like this was immediately before I became hospitalized this past spring. And the time before that when I felt this good was right before I dislocated my jaw and found out I needed jaw reconstruction.

It's stupid. Being happy has set me off. Because all signs point that I'm going to get better then have another medical relapse or catastrophe. It's been a cyclical truth for the past 7 years. There's never stability in that department.

I see this cycle starting again. And I'm terrified. I'm terrified that all the work I've done up to now will be all for nothing. AGAIN.

I've had more relapses than I can count. And every damn time I had to grit my teeth and pull myself back up again. Start from scratch. Having to relearn how to walk from nerve damage in my inner ear. Having to relearn how to talk after having had jaw reconstruction. Having to give up so many things in order to do what needed to be done. All the sacrifices.

In high school I had to give up sports. Soccer and basketball made me so happy. But I couldn't do it anymore. My body wouldn't allow me. So not only did I have to give up that, I gave them up knowing I was being SCOUTED for college sports. I had to APOLOGISE to coaches, tell them they had to cancel the scouts because I was hospitalized for an unascertainable future.

So I moved onto academia. I joined Mock Trial. It was like a debate team that took on cases and created defense and prosecution platforms. Tirelessly we'd mull over the affidavits. I had to give that up too. I wasn't physically capable to continue.

Showing up to school. I had to give that up. In three years time I missed over 200 days of school. And when I did show up I was in agony.

Friends. Gave those up too. I saw doctors more than anyone my own age. They were aquaintences not even friends at that point.

I saw no one but doctors. I felt nothing but searing pain either from my physical problems or because of those treatments given by doctors.

Move on to college. I had one good year. ONE. Then I had to withdraw. I had to give up college. I had to give up the friends I made there. I had to give up that beautiful normalcy for what? So I can be shoved in a medical room and have needles jabbed in my face? So that I could have morphine injections that don't do squat? So that I can stare at the walls of my room. Trapped. Incapable of moving because the pain would make me black out.

Then I have 2 jaw recontruction surgeries. I live in nothing but agonizing pain.

But then it finally gets better. I get the chance to try to restart my life. Get a small job. Get a BF. Make plans for college. Then I relapse AGAIN. I couldn't even walk without holding onto a wall. I lost my BF. I had to give up my job. I had to stop looking at colleges. I was on bed rest. AGAIN. Then for the first time I get pissed off. Then I get diagnosed with PTSD.

Then I get people asking when "are you finally going to do something? When are you finally going back to school? Why haven't you done it yet?"

And I try so damn hard.

I just want to be happy. I just want to say that was a good day. Just that. That's all I want. But no. I'm horrified that I'm just setting myself up again. For another dissapointing relapse. And all of that effort is wasted and amounted to nothing.

AGAIN.

I'm starting to feel happy. I'm starting to feel emotions and I HATE IT. I hate it all. They do me no good. They only breed false hopes. It's only setting me up for failure.

And I see the irony. I've seen myself getting better (that's what I've been working for) but getting better is setting me off. It's just reminding me of everything else I've been trying to either accept or forgot.

I wish I was numb.

Numb.

Numb.

That way I wouldn't have to be afraid to be happy. That way being happy isn't associated with me being kicked down by life. "


And I wrote this ONE WEEK before I was admitted into the hospital.... That is why I feel so stupid.

I'm supposed to be coaching a basketball team this winter. Try outs are this monday. I can't go. I can barely walk I'm in so much pain.

I'm just so upset.

I'm sorry if I'm complaining too much or am not taking adivice but I'm at a point where I'm just too overwhelmed to think straight.

And writing is all I can do to vent.

I don't expect anyone to really respond or even read this... I just... I don't know what else to do.

I'm just so afraid.

What else is going to happen?

Dare I even try again?

When will it end?

How do I cope?

 

[99Phoenix99]

I don't know how to cope anymore... I'm 22 and all I know are medical emergencies and how to sacrifice myself.

All I know is how to deal with physical pain. I deal with it. I pass out from it. I go into shock because of it. Then I continue on with it. It looms over me every day. There is no escaping it. So when things calm down I learn how to deal with it. How to endure life. How to finally learn how to smile again. Only to realize... that was a waste of time.

Or better yet learning to live like everyone else is just a hobby in my downtime between medical disasters.

Because JUST when I take a tentative step towards growth I'm ripped out of that dream into a hellish reality. That involves nothing but extreme physical pain.

And then I become house bound again. On bed rest. Or hospitalized. Everything I tried was for naught.

Those dreams I had of going abroad teaching ESL? Absolutely stupid. No one would hire me. I'd probably die.

So it's better to keep me here. In my bed. In my house. Away from EVERYONE. So I can live a long and excruciatingly painful life all alone. Yes. That's a far better choice.

I really do wish for death.

I know I shouldn't.

My family loves me.

And I love them.

But ... this isn't living. Surgery after surgery. Loss after loss.

Life is cruel.

I finally understand that.

I used to have something to live for. I used to think "Live for yourself. Do what you love." And I love to learn. I love to read. History. Science. Fables. And I did that. But... it's so HALLOW. What's the point if I can't share it with someone? You can only learn so much alone.

And I'm always alone.

I don't want to be.

But ... really there's not much I can do about it.

And honestly death has been so close to me for so long I know him more than I do life.

Death was with me when I was told I was going to die when I was 15. Death was with me all those months. And I grew to accept that fact. Death would have been a present and a blessing. Being in a hospital incapable of standing another person's touch, sound, smell, or sight? Incapable of cognitive thought because the pain wracked your body so strongly it left you drooling and gasping for air. Not being able to walk?

Death was with me again when I was 17 and my vitals crashed.

Death was there with me every time I went into a risky surgery.

All these years as a child growing into an adult Death was there. And I was waiting for death to take me. It would be a mercy. I longed for death. For the day my body finally gave out. For the day I'd be free. And that would be a good day because death was a friend. A promise for a btter tomorrow. People had me preparing for it.

Something snapped into place this past year. Something that scared me. Death WOULDN'T take me. I would live. My body is strong in that regard alone. It refuses to let me die.

I've been preparing to die since I was 15.

I don't know how to live.

I'm trying to live.

But this happens?

I'm so confused.

I'm so lost.

I don't know who or what I am anymore.

Unless I purposely take my life I'm going to stay alive.

That scares me more than anything.

How do you live when all you've ever done is prepare and wish for death?

 

[The Hermit King]

Phoenix I can't even imagine what you are going through. It sounds like absolute hell. I am in awe of your inner strength. The only thing I have to keep some sort of mental stability in my own life is the amount of physical training I do. If I couldn't do my kettlebells or any of my strength training I do not think I have it inside me to keep the PTSD Beast in check. I feel for you, like I am all freakin teary eyed right now trying to damn type this. WTF, I am usually pretty numb to the stuff that goes on around me. I don't know what to say.

I want you to feel better...

 

[99Phoenix99]

I can only grieve with you. I am listening to support you.

Thank you Gizmo. Just knowing there's someone to listen... That's more than I ever expected to recieve. I've always been taught "no one likes a whiner" I ... Getting your support while I talk about my difficulties means a great deal to me. I've always been afraid to do it... Thank you. Thank you for your kindness *hugs*

 

[99Phoenix99]

You are lucky to have your parents and that they care so much. Parents (well most) give unconditional love no matter how old their children are, no matter what struggles they endure. Don't feel bad about how you feel or that it has hurt them, they know you are doing your best in such difficult circumstances. (((hugs))))

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to reply... I've been having difficulties processing the replies I've received and just as much difficulty trying to figure out what I can say in return.

Thank you for pointing out how wonderful my parents are. They are in my eyes the best a person could get. And that's why I feel so badly. They're unbelievably self sacrificing. Through the years I've seen it. The time and money sacrificed to get me from doctor to doctor. All their socialization with others nearly wiped out because of taking caring of me. The stress wearing down on them because they literally couldn't do a damn thing for me. No one could.

I know they did that out of love for me. But that doesn't make me feel any better. It was awful. I was the reason why they cried. Again and again. I tried to do everything I could so they wouldn't worry. It... Knowing you are the direct cause of your parents unhappiness?

It hurts because it's the truth. I don't know how not to feel guilty about it.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I am a parent of a disabled teenager. When I cry for him, its out of love, not unhappiness. I was a busy nurse and mom and swimmer and I had surgery on my back which made me worse and now I can't work in ER or ride horses with my son, or do many of the things I did, so I understand how you feel in a way. I am trying to build a new life for myself with all the medical stuff and PTSD, and it is not easy.

I used to have mostly bad days, but now my days are mostly neutral, with some good and some bad. I know how painful it is to be where you are.

 

[99Phoenix99]

((Phoenix))

The hardest thing for me is when I realize I am a burden to the people who care for me, too.

It always makes me feel suicidal, so I sympathize. As long as you can communicate you can touch other people's lives... you touched mine today.

Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Being able to relate with someone and being understood... It really helps.