I feel so stupid, like my trauma isn't valid.

[magnolia2224]

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I feel so stupid, like my trauma isn't valid. I see posts from people on here talking about how only some specific traumas like war or sexual assault count for PTSD, and then the thought worms deep into my head that I'm just faking or malingering and I hate it. My psychiatrist, two different therapists, and multiple medical doctors all agree that I have PTSD and that what I went through medically was very traumatic. My psychiatrist literally specializes in PTSD and how it manifests in civilians, women, and young adults, and she was the one who brought up me having PTSD first and did all the clinical interviews or whatever they're called and formally diagnosed me with PTSD first. And yet I let some random person's words online -- who isn't even talking to me specifically -- undermine my whole sense of self. I do this all the time! For everything. I feel like I'm balancing on a tightrope and the slightest external wind causes me to fall and plummet 100 feet to the ground. Why do I care so much about what other people who don't know me say? In general, I mean, not just about having PTSD. Why do I care what strangers think? Why does one offhand word cause me to spiral so much until I'm deep in a pit of self-loathing and fear?

Writing all this out makes me feel better. Maybe I should start a diary.

 

[arfie]

to deepen the mystery, not everyone who experiences war and/or sexual assault develops ptsd. the why, who, what and where of ptsd is far from as standard as running an x-ray machine to look for a broken bone. i would trust your pros on that one.

Why does one offhand word cause me to spiral so much until I'm deep in a pit of self-loathing and fear?

my own shrinks attribute this to damaged self-esteem. we have invested allot of therapy hours looking for ways to heal and rebuild that self-esteem.

 

[Friday]

Durn near everyone with PTSD feels that way, at one time or another.

What OTHER people suffer? Is clearly worse. After all, we’ve survived our own. And imaginings? Are near always worse than reality.

Apx 20% or people who suffer life threatening trauma, or sexual assault, develop PTSD. PTSD, is NOT a pain-scale. It’s not like if it hurts THIS much, it’s PTSD. It’s simply something that 80% of people do NOT develop, although they may well develop something else. Or nothing at all. If you have PTSD? Shrug. You have PTSD. WHILST 80% of people who’ve lived your life, and your pain, wouldn’t. 10 people, experiencing the same trauma, will have 10 different results. The avoidance symptom of PTSD, cringes away.

 

[magnolia2224]

to deepen the mystery, not everyone who experiences war and/or sexual assault develops ptsd. the why, who, what and where of ptsd is far from as standard as running an x-ray machine to look for a broken bone. i would trust your pros on that one.

my own shrinks attribute this to damaged self-esteem. we have invested allot of therapy hours looking for ways to heal and rebuild that self-esteem.

That's a good point. Thanks for your response. I guess it's kind of like getting exposed to someone who's sick with something contagious. You might get sick too from being around them, or you might not. It all depends on a lot more factors than just exposure.

Thanks as well for the reminder to listen to the mental health professionals who've actually assessed me. My self-esteem foundation is pretty shaky, so it's good to remind myself that qualified outside observers have made their judgment and they know me well and that I should listen to them.

Durn near everyone with PTSD feels that way, at one time or another.

What OTHER people suffer? Is clearly worse. After all, we’ve survived our own. And imaginings? Are near always worse than reality.

Apx 20% or people who suffer life threatening trauma, or sexual assault, develop PTSD. PTSD, is NOT a pain-scale. It’s not like if it hurts THIS much, it’s PTSD. It’s simply something that 80% of people do NOT develop, although they may well develop something else. Or nothing at all. If you have PTSD? Shrug. You have PTSD. WHILST 80% of people who’ve lived your life, and your pain, wouldn’t. 10 people, experiencing the same trauma, will have 10 different results. The avoidance symptom of PTSD, cringes away.

The grass is always greener (or in this case not greener but drier? Browner?) on the other side, I guess. We always assume other people have "real" reasons, and ours are just nonsense. My therapist and friends have tried to get me to work on that. Usually my friends switch it around on me and start repeating things I've said as if from their point of view, and then I immediately respond and go "no, no, don't think that way, your trauma is valid and you can't compare yourself to others like that!" And then they turn around and go, "Exactly. I'm just repeating what you were saying. So why are your standards different for yourself?" And then I get stumped lmao.

 

[arfie]

I guess it's kind of like getting exposed to someone who's sick with something contagious. You might get sick too from being around them, or you might not. It all depends on a lot more factors than just exposure.

it is, indeed, a complex weave of factors, complicated further that we don't even have compassionate names for many of the factors. i, too, believe the contagion factor is real and dangerous, buttttttttttaaaaaa. . . when used mindfully within my therapy network, the contagion factor has been a source of powerful medicine in my recovery. when i discuss my symptoms with a fellow sufferer who shares my commitment to healing, the contagion factor carries immunities to the disease. eg, symptom management, coping tools, etc.

or? ? ? am i lost in metaphor again? that happens to me allot.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

I feel all the time that nothing I experienced was that bad.

Some of that is just amnesia. But some of that is me just assuming that whatever I went through wasn’t that bad. In a perverse and inverse way, the better I get the worse I feel, because the better I am the more it seems impossible that trauma actually happened to me.

But on an intellectual level I know; the abuse I endured wasn’t normal. And my mind fragmented for a reason, and it’s actually that fragmentation that keeps me thinking that things were never that bad.

In any case, you are not alone in this.

 

[magnolia2224]

But some of that is me just assuming that whatever I went through wasn’t that bad. In a perverse and inverse way, the better I get the worse I feel, because the better I am the more it seems impossible that trauma actually happened to me.

This is a really good point. I do that all the time with my physical health too. I'll have a day where my pain is mild and I can walk around my house, and I'll think "Wow, I was just faking this disease the whole time." Then the next day will bring multiple joint dislocations and I will quickly be humbled in my wheelchair. So I guess it's the same with mental health. The more progress I make or the more good days I have, the more I think that I was just overreacting. I'm not sure if that's the point you were trying to make or if I'm misinterpreting. But I agree and I'm grateful for all of your words.

 

[Survivor3]

I feel all the time that nothing I experienced was that bad.

Some of that is just amnesia. But some of that is me just assuming that whatever I went through wasn’t that bad. In a perverse and inverse way, the better I get the worse I feel, because the better I am the more it seems impossible that trauma actually happened to me.

But on an intellectual level I know; the abuse I endured wasn’t normal. And my mind fragmented for a reason, and it’s actually that fragmentation that keeps me thinking that things were never that bad.

In any case, you are not alone in this.

I often feel that the better you get, the greater the fall back to how bad things really were for us. But that only happens sporadically. The progress is really important. Its like a reflection of how far we've come.

 

[beaneeboo]

the better I get the worse I feel, because the better I am the more it seems impossible that trauma actually happened to me.

Uggh this!!

and it’s actually that fragmentation that keeps me thinking that things were never that bad.

And this!

In any case, you are not alone in this.

Definitely this

What OTHER people suffer? Is clearly worse. After all, we’ve survived our own. And imaginings? Are near always worse than reality.

I think there's a real logic to this if you really think about it... when we go through a trauma, we have to disconnect or dampen things on one level, to get through it. So that lived experience is almost less than what we imagine another person's trauma experience could have been (looking at it from the outside pov)... if that makes sense?

Quite hard to communicate what I mean... but essentially, if we only ever experience our own trauma with a buffer around us (to protect us from the main impact) of course when we think about other people going through their traumas, we're going to compare our own with theirs, and come to the limited conclusion that ours isn't as valid.../ wasn't therefore bad or valid..

 

[Lost in the Woods]

The more I learn about PTSD the more commonality I see. I have those same feelings. I remember my mother’s suicide attempts and suicide, a murder I saw close up at age 10 and all the violence and running away. But I have giant gaps in my memory, one over a year. There are things like how we ate dinner as a family I have no recollection of what so ever. I have no idea what is blanked out but the stuff I remember didn’t ever seem like a big deal to me. I mean everyone grows up with that stuff, right? I feel like I haven’t paid my dues. Every mental health professional I talk to scribbles notes furiously before telling me I need to write a book. I still tell myself I didn’t have it half as bad as most. But the truth is, all that stuff really messed me up and I am just beginning to learn the extent of it.

 

[Abstract]

The first time I came here wss the first time I came across others feeling tormented on the subject. Do I have this or not, or mine isn't bad enough, or others is worse.

More recently, I feel it is a trauma response in and of itself. When my trauma symptoms aren't flaring, I can logically look at my and another person's experience and see that theirs was worse than mine. And it isn't emotionally laden. It is just a logical acknowledgement. Similar to how a traumatic experience feels when it's been processed and put to rest.

For me I think 90% of that was denial, but heaped on that is likely old traumatic invalidation injuries and other emotional states linked to trauma. I feel quite paranoid too when the trauma is up. Consider if you have any invalidation injuries in your lifetime. Especially related.

Those may not apply, but don't feel alone in this. It is one of the only things that kept me on here in the beginning - seeing others discussing similar reactions. My internal arguments as to if I had PTSD or not and why were a full-scale internal and destructive war that lasted for years. I would injure myself as part of that battle, at times.

There are always good reasons for how we have reacted, and they can be multifactorial and complicated. Trust the professionals that diagnosed you. Look at what it means to you that you have PTSD from those experiences.