Overcoming Avoidance

[Meadowsweet]

Would we sneak under your skin so it came to the stage where you stopped worrying about bonding and just enjoyed?

I'll sleep on that question and get back to you Kp.

 

[KP the nut]

Sweet dreams, I'm off to bed as well. NIght night :hug:

 

[amethist]

I trusted that if I did get flustered or do the 'wrong' thing socially, people would recognize that I wasn't coping, rather than assume I was rude or unappreciative.

Meadowsweet, my husband got flustered at one point on that day and had to go out side for a smoke, to get his mind settled again. Everyone understood. We also had to leave when he had had enough.

My point is he did that when he was worried he would make a fool of himself by loosing it, in a place far from home that he did not know, but knew everyone else was probably feeling they same way and would understand him what ever happened.

We then did it again in York. He enjoyed both days despite his PTSD.

So maybe as KP said, if we could organize something more often, you would feel better as we all know whats underneath, and we could sneak in there and you would be fine.

 

[Tanishq]

But I met up with some of the UK members of the forum, and it was a day that I treasure.

No doubt about it. You would talk freely Meadowsweet. :)

Would we sneak under your skin so it came to the stage where you stopped worrying about bonding and just enjoyed?

KP, I wish you asked me this question. I would storm I mean, I wouldn't worry about anything if I meet anyone from this forums.

 

[anni]

No, I totally get what you're saying. ( Please know when I give personal examples it's by way of validation- not torqing thread to ME. ) I've frequently worried, and still do, if there might be something wrong with me- sometimes that whole bonding thing, or the ability to have a Best Friend, join the whole chick world appears to be missing. Like I'm the gap in a smile somewhere, a tooth missing. I'm SOOO happy in my head, can go weeks without contact, although am lucky in having my husband. He's such a good, kind man and right HERE, you know? I'd rather chew off my arm than hurt him in any way, so always ensure I don't close off my head to him.

This sounds so- what's the word- hopeless? If it was, I wouldn't say anything. The thing is, what you're looking for is probably 'there', I'm only guessing based on myself. I'll out-of-the-blue get some hard tug, which relieves the bejeesis out of me in 6 ways, for real. It just arrives sometimes, with no warning and hits that nerve I was afraid wasn't there. Just because that bond doesn't look like it does for everyone else doesn't mean it's not real. Sorry so long with this, it's just that it seems important. It's a little kizmet, too- as in I JUST received Evie, that avatar, in the mail. Well, that's a lie, she came a few weeks ago and I had to look at her for a good while before I let myself come over here and see if in fact she might be all about what I kind of thought she was. A friend and friends came and got me, basically, in a Rolls Royce with champagne in the back seat, is what it felt like to my head. I don't have to do anything else if I don't want to, but will. It's SO nice to know someone wanted me around,valued, knocked me over with kindness. Maybe I'll figure this whole friend thing out eventually, must be making progress to be able to feel SO much about this. It's a surprising event sometimes, extremely nice when it shows up but also not sure it always looks the same for everyone.

I don't know, Meadowsweet. It sounds like you're doing the right things, making yourself work the tools to get past and through this. You might not be aware yet of the healing which has transpired and the progress you've made. Hope that was ok to say, and not too intrusive- do not mean to tell you how you feel!

 

[Meadowsweet]

My point is he did that when he was worried he would make a fool of himself by loosing it, in a place far from home that he did not know, but knew everyone else was probably feeling they same way and would understand him what ever happened.

Yes, that was the point I was making - that i was more comfortable because I knew the people from here would understand.

If say we got together more regularly would that help with the bonding process. Would we sneak under your skin so it came to the stage where you stopped worrying about bonding and just enjoyed?

I think the answer here is that I really don't know. I liked your idea about going to chat more regularly and I think there is a benefit in doing something short but regular, to get used to things a little bit at a time.

 

[Nicolette]

Baby steps... take as long as you need to find your feet.

 

[maddog]

Meadowsweet, just wanted to say how deeply I relate to what you said about the ability to socialise superficially, but not to transfer that to the beginnings of bond formation. I experience the same struggle, have reasonably well developed and well practiced social skills which are adequate to get me through when I work hard to put them to good use, but begin to experience anxiety, unease, discomfort and the beginnings of my flight instinct the moment any obligations, commitments or bonds begin to form.

I am struggling unbelievably right now with the reality of my difficulty in human relationships, and it meant a lot to me to read your honesty about this issue. Your experience with the forum get-together reminded me a little of my recent in-patient experience, in that it felt doable and less risky to socialise with a group in which I knew it was ok to be functional, nonfunctional, or anything in between. But the moment that certain people began to attempt to extend those relationships beyond the hospital context, my fear and risk radar began to hum, and it hasn't stopped ever since.

Not a lot to add of value to you, just some empathy. It's a hard, lonely road when conquering that loneliness requires things of you that seem to cause more distress than they alleviate.

Maddog

 

[Tanishq]

The thing is, what you're looking for is probably 'there', I'm only guessing based on myself.

Anni, You spoke something very important and this is true.