I Am Wear Of Remembering. Things Are Becoming So Clear. Need Tips On Coping

[Deleted member 12723]

It started with my sister. I was coming out of denial with her. I am getting a clear picture of who she really is. I have the bare minimal contact, phone only with her.

But now I am getting a clear picture of my cretan dad. I started journaling today. I have not written a letter yet. I still have to do that. I am so weary of remembering how it really was. I do not see the purpose of it.

He is dead and cannot hurt anyone anymore. But I have been having bad feelings toward him. Mabe this means I am growing into a mature adult and allowing myself to really see how he was.

I am having trouble writing him a letter. I was supposed to do that today, but instead I journaled some memories of him. I will try again to write him a letter. I do not want to go through this again. Mabe I am healing on a different level. A deeper level.

But I do not want it to rob me of the gifts of today. My sister is like my dad. He was a very seriously disturbed psychotic individual. I was alone with all of it.

After all of the kids moved away from him we spent all of our time together talking about him.

How do you balance remembering and keeping present in your daily life? I would appreciate any thing that has helped you. Thanks.

 

[rightkindofme]

I set aside time every day to think and process and cry. I usually have an hour or two before anyone else in my family wakes up. I figure that I have many many years of tears left in me. I *have* to cry for the things that happened to me. I can't "get over it" until I grieve everything. It's too bad how much there is to grieve.

I find that creating specific space for processing keeps it from creeping into the rest of my life too much.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

That is a great idea. I will do that for myself. I will set aside time to grieve and then put it away if I can anlive my life. I agree that I have to grieve the losses. I went through this on one level in 1985. Thank you for sharing what you do. I do not want to wallow in this. I have done that far too long.

 

[Shellbell]

That is a really positive tip on coping - setting aside a period of time each day to 'go there' with memories, feeling angry, grieving and then allowing the rest of the day to be good - full of the good things around us today.

Dear ((((Gizmo)))), I don't think you are wallowing - I think you are allowing the anger to come out and grieving for what you didn't have - a good dad. And you deserved a good dad and it's okay to be upset, angry and betrayed that you didn't. It is okay to allow these feeling out. It's necessary processing of emotions and to deny that only continues the pent us emotions to continue to hurt us.

I think you are doing really well, you are very honest and that's such a virtue. You are such a positive example of how this journey we are on is a continuous one. You help other people here Gizmo, so much.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Shellbell so much for your sharing your thoughts on this topic. I am glad to know I am not wallowing in it. I guess that is some self blame sneaking in there to trip me up.

I really like the morning grief session and then putting it away for the day.

I will start that tommorow. It seems like a good discipline to get into. It keeps things manageable.

I am starting to see with the eyes of an adult and not a child. I am seeing things I never saw before and I feel like I am beginning to integrate this information into me as a whole person. It started with coming out of denial, regarding my sister.

The truth is a powerful tool. I feel stronger and more grown up than I did before. Thank you Shellbell for being so sweet and kind. You have been so supportive of me and I really appreciate it so much.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's ok to remember that going through that you were a child also, Giz. Not an adult, with adult resources that you have now.

(((((((Big Hugs, xoxox)))).

 

[rightkindofme]

I went through this on one level in 1985. Thank you for sharing what you do. I do not want to wallow in this. I have done that far too long.

(Dear Mods, I cut the quote. I hope that is enough to cut out.)

In my personal experience (and in the ridiculous amount of reading I do) I see over and over that folks who have had significant trauma have to go through levels of processing. You process things from one point of view every few years because you change as a person.

I was talking to a mom at my home schooling group about this on Tuesday. She was talking to the organizer of the group and the conversation sounded exactly like one I had with the organizer a few months ago "Uhm, I'm going to be unstable and not always able to show up and if I start crying please don't freak out and get mad at me and..." So I interrupted their conversation and said, "Ahhh. PTSD or something else?" The other mom looked *shocked* and said, "Yes. PTSD. How did you know? I smiled and told her me too."

Both of us kind of cried. It feels good when people understand you specific kind of "crazy". (I use that word for myself please don't feel like I am calling anyone else crazy. *I* am very unstable.)

We talked about how you think you have "processed" everything before kids and then... oh my god it's a whole tidal wave. Because you are a brand new person with very different life stresses.

Part of it is your parents were supposed to be modeling different kinds of coping methods that would work at different points in your life. That is what effective parenting does. Our parents didn't do that. So every time we "grow up a little more" we have to go consciously learn new coping methods for the tidal wave of new responsibility we are not yet trained for.

At least, this is how my life is going.

I feel a lot better about myself if I think, "Ah. I have reached the end of the usefulness of the current tools in my toolbox. Time to go learn new ones" rather than "God I'm a f*cking loser because I can't handle this."

I was never taught how to handle life. Of course it is hard. But I don't want to be like them so I keep plugging away.

And I cry rivers, oceans of tears in my little private "personal time". Man. For me the best crying time has been out running. Many traditions around the world believe you store grief in your lungs. When you go running you clear out the bad, stale air at the bottom of your lungs. I sob and sob and sob while I run sometimes.

*And* my ass looks better. Totally a win.

 

[Hashi]

I like rightkindofme's suggestion. I think it's helpful to find some way of containing the feelings and the focus on the past.

Someone once suggested to me drawing a door on a page in my journal, then starting to write on the page after that. So, when I've finished I can "shut the door" on it.

To be honest, though, I think there are some times when we have to surrender the whole day if we do any processing during it, because it takes so much out of us. I know that might not always be practical, but it can be helpful to at least give up the idea of anything that's not completely essential and, apart from those things, expect nothing of ourselves other than wrapping up, crying, and self-soothing.

Gizmo, I think this sounds like a very, very big thing to be dealing with. Writing a letter would be a huge step, and I'm glad you're approaching it carefully with journalling first. What you're doing sounds like deep healing work. Please take care of yourself and don't expect too much of yourself while you do this.

((((hugs))))

 

[JustBe]

Hi Gizmo,

I thought this might help. It's from another thread.

Hashi said: " the perpetrator's unconscious aim is to transfer their own, unbearable negative feelings about themselves onto us."

 

[Toria]

Dear Gizmo, I am not sure what to say - but I feel as if I want to say something to you. I completely agree with all that the others have said and they have offered some fantastic advice; especially the part about differentiating between dealing with things as a child and as an adult.

My mum is manic depressive and as such I did not have a "normal" upbringing - I was the one that had a week off school so we could pretend we were on a trip up Mount Everest...!

What I didn't realise until I was much older is that, whilst I'm not overly damaged by what happened to me as a child, I am lacking in certain skills that would have been passed on by a more "normal" mum. I have had to find other resources and learn from others. I'm sure there was a reason behind me telling you that - but it now escapes me! :facepalm:

It sounds to me as if you're doing a great job with the journalling and if that is helping you then it can only be a good thing. xxx

 

[Deleted member 12723]

rightkindofme, thank you for sharing what you did. It makes sense that it is a developmental issue. I have been journaling, first making a list of what bothered me about my dad with the eyes of an adult and then I wrote some more. It helped me to seperate a situation that I had been taking very personally. I was having an emotional flashback. I think the situation triggered me into an emotional flashback and it superimposed over the situation and my feelings were very hurt and it was tormenting and torturing me.

I am doing so much better now that I seperated the two situations. I am feeling better.
I was never taught how to handle life either so my life has been a disaster after disaster. Only the last year and one half has my life been peaceful and stable. So I suppose it is safe for this stuff to come up now. I was freaking out. I am not freaking out anymore.

I am very thankful for what you had to share. I can always come back to this and re read it when I feel the need. I really appreciate your taking the time and effort to respond and share. Hugs.


Thank you Hashi for taking the time and effort to respond. I like the idea of putting a door on it and closing it after I am done journaling. I will take it slow and spend some time in the morning working on this and then spending the rest of the day doing normal stuff. I am trying to go slow. This is so new to me seeing him with the eyes of an adult.

I like it and I hate it. I can see clearly what a sick and disturbed person he was. I am glad he is dead and he cannot hurt anyone anymore. I will not expect too much out of this, I will go slow. Thank you so much for your help. hugs.


Thank you Toria for taking the time and effort to respond to me to encourage me. I have degrees in the school of hard knocks. For so many years I did not know what I was dealing with and did not have very much healthy support. But I am doing so much better now. The journaling is really helping but the feedback and the responses mirror back to me the truth of what I am dealing with and it is really helpful and supportive. Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thanks Movin On for the quote. It makes so much sense. He was injecting himself into me and that is the source of my internal critic. My mom did that to me as well. I am working really hard on not allowing the inner critic to batter me anymore. I notice on my weak days, it is alittle louder and I have to battle harder.

I am weak on self nurturing, It is a new experience for me. I try to remember that I did not get this and I would not batter another person like I batter myself. Thank you for taking the time and effort to share that quote with me. Hashi is a very wise person. And so are you to share the quote with me. Hugs.