Supporter Partner / Friend From The Past Has New Problems

[smogmonster]

I reconnected with an old girlfriend from a couple decades ago who was involved in an abusive relationship many years after we lost touch. She is undiagnosed but is in school and is close to getting her degree - the bulk of her study involves counseling and psychology. She feels she has PTSD but has not had therapy or been in treatment, which she says is due to the cost - she is currently on assistance. She has a young child whose father is her abuser, and who has visitation but not custody. She drinks to self-medicate, but it makes her trigger more easily. She has already been though treatment for a drinking problem before. She becomes verbally and emotionally abusive when triggered and is unwilling to talk about these incidents after the fact.

We have attempted to re-start a relationship, but it's been on-again-off-again and not easy. Until very recently I did not understand much about PTSD. That's why I'm here.

I've read quite a bit now and feel like I understand well enough to make informed decisions. I'm willing to stick around and support her as a partner or a friend, although we're in different parts of the country right now but have spent time together. I know it could mean a lifetime of struggle for her. Building and maintaining trust has been difficult in the meantime. I seem to be unable to keep from saying something that she finds insulting or offensive, even if it wasn't intended that way. Right now she isn't communicating due to my offending her, and all attempts to reconcile have gone unanswered. Last time she was this upset it took nearly six months to establish contact again. I'm hoping it won't take that long this time.

I have a new career which keeps me busy and happy. I have already worked through most of my own issues in therapy in the last several years (before reconnecting), and I'm currently talking with my therapist about this.

 

[olds442]

Wow, will you be my boyfriend?

That's really cool you're being supportive. She may have a love hate relationship with the commitment, and hopefully her knowledge leads to more awarenesses which leads to acceptance and perhaps therapy. If she has PTSD and is self medicating, she likely could benefit from some form of one on one therapy. Hopefully rational thinking prevails.

In an emergency situation, we are usually good to have around! It seems the little stuff trips us up. Both me and my partner have PTSD and we tolerate and understand our short fuses and situations dissipate rapidly. It can work, but it takes time, constant reinforcement and her own participation in her recovery.

Best of luck!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[smogmonster]

Both me and my partner have PTSD and we tolerate and understand our short fuses and situations dissipate rapidly. It can work, but it takes time, constant reinforcement and her own participation in her recovery.

Yes, I think that's kind of the issue right now. I understand completely that her recovery is her own responsibility and choice, but she has chosen to put it aside for the time being, and there is no doubt that choice has affected other people in her life. I am doing my best, but it's a learning process. From the beginning she has said she wants to take it slow, and I'm trying but have admittedly fallen into some old patterns on occasion where I get caught up in the moment. This is how we originally fell for each other way back when, but I can tell she's very apprehensive right now, and when I do this she pulls back and sometimes becomes angry. She says she can love but isn't in love, although she has said she loves me. I understand it will take time for her to trust. Taking it slow is really only one part of how this could work, but it's important.

Her oldest child died of a drug overdose around the time she was involved with her abuser, which has added to the trauma. She had been open about the fact she had been in an abusive relationship since we first reconnected, but had not mentioned anything about PTSD until I visited her recently. I think she's in a holding pattern as far as therapy is concerned so she can make it through school. Her career will require that she's managing her own mental health issues and is stable, so therapy is not really an option but more of a requirement down the road.

My concern is that we're involved now, before she has begun the process of healing, which was not clear to me in the beginning - it is now, and I accept it. I do think it could work, but for now it may not be possible given the circumstances. I've been through a lot of healing myself (not for PTSD), and I can handle nearly anything, but it's clear that she doesn't have a lot of emotional capacity at the moment, and her self-esteem seems to be pretty shot. So, communication isn't good, and little problems between us overwhelm her. I don't want to add to her stress, so for the time being I'm trying to let her know I'm still here but am focusing on my own life and career. I'd rather her get through school at the moment than deal with me or us, if it's going to be too much for her otherwise. Seems all I can do is try to be good to myself in the meantime and let her know the door is open.

 

[Deleted member 17794]

Supportive, patient, understanding, and proactive towards the situation/relationship(in the sense of the bond that you share). Not many men would be that stand-up about it and put in the effort. Although her vision is clouded, she's lucky to have a friend like you. Let her know she's worth it to you.

 

[Bilby]

I don't want to add to her stress, so for the time being I'm trying to let her know I'm still here but am focusing on my own life and career. I'd rather her get through school at the moment than deal with me or us, if it's going to be too much for her otherwise. Seems all I can do is try to be good to myself in the meantime and let her know the door is open.

I think this is probably the key to getting through this stage, to be honest and it's very good that you recognise this.

My husband has PTSD and much like you, I knew precious little about it - that's how I found this forum too. It has been incredibly useful in terms of information and support and I trust it will bring you these things also.

As you have well recognised, treatment for her is not an option, but a requirement - not just for her future career, but also as part of having a successful relationship. There are things that she will need to face in therapy - drinking being one of them, and obviously the issues that have caused her PTSD. I am really pleased that your own issues have been resolved but that you continue to see your therapist and are discussing the situation - this also bodes well not only for your own mental health, but also for the future relationship you have - whether that be as a partner, or a friend.

B x

 

[smogmonster]

Supportive, patient, understanding, and proactive towards the situation/relationship(in the sense of the bond that you share). Not many men would be that stand-up about it and put in the effort. Although her vision is clouded, she's lucky to have a friend like you. Let her know she's worth it to you.

I appreciate this. I think I have let her know she's worth it.

One problem I'm encountering is the idea that good pressure can be just as triggering as bad pressure. It's difficult overcoming the instinct to remind her how much I care, or that she's worth it to me. Too much of that can be too much for her, which means I can tell her but have to leave it at that and let her come around. It also makes her uncomfortable if she feels that this kind of attention is humiliating in any way, so focusing on her problems or my conviction in the face of them is not what seems to help. She's been very good about communicating this to me, although learning how to overcome my instincts is not as simple as I first imagined.

I've found that she's mostly receptive to focusing on positives or something funny, which helps provide relief from reality instead of dwelling on it. I am the kind of person who likes to resolve everything. Honestly, what works is not trying to do that at all but instead putting anything heavy aside, and letting her be comfortable and free from pressure, and trust that's probably as good as she's going to be able to do for now. When she's comfortable, she is happy, and that's good enough. It requires trust on her part, which doesn't come easy and is difficult to rebuild.

When she opens up and lets me know I'm worth it to her, then if I tell her I feel the same it tends to work much better. In the meantime I can express that in other ways.

 

[smogmonster]

Anyway, I'm rambling, but thanks. I'm still confused and sort of thinking out loud to work through it. I appreciate the support.

 

[Bilby]

Check out the Supporters Forum and ramble away - it often does help ;)

 

[Tinyflame]

Smogmonster, I think your post above (#7) is exactly spot-on. It took me 25 years of this to recognize (as a sufferer) what you said there. Or more accurately, to recognize it reading your post, how weird is that when a person lives with it daily. Thank you.

Please continue to take care of yourself. Anger (or rage) is probably a big impediment to her feeling 'love' or 'in love' (though it gives energy, in a self-damaging kind of way). I hope that she does not default to taking it out on you- not good. :(

Best wishes to you both.

 

[Sailorgal]

"One problem I'm encountering is the idea that good pressure can be just as triggering as bad pressure."

Yup...

Folks, please be seated and ensure your seatbelt is securely fastened. We are headed for a turbulent ride.

Smog, make sure what you intend as "help" is not co-dependency as you know it can become. Support? Yes. Help? No.

You mention already seeing some old patterns in yourself...i can't say enough "boundaries!"

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.