Supporter Partner / Friend From The Past Has New Problems

[smogmonster]

Smog, make sure what you intend as "help" is not co-dependency as you know it can become. Support? Yes. Help? No.

Yes, thanks. I am aware of that. Sometimes it has come up. We've definitely had our problems, but so far this has not been a serious problem between us. My sufferer is quick to reject that type of thinking, which helps.

I'm also dating other people right now and not really focused on my sufferer in a relationship. I wasn't in a serious relationship with her, and right now we're in the off part of the on-again-off-again cycle. I don't tend to date a lot and am not really looking to get involved with anyone at the moment, but it helps to get out and be social.

If my sufferer is willing to commit down the road and the circumstances are right for both of us, meaning at least in part that she's in or has been through therapy or treatment, I think we'd avoid most of the potential co-dependency issues. She's been trying the best she can, but I don't think we're really giving ourselves a fair chance without both of us being in a good place to make a healthy relationship happen, and that's just not the case for her right now. I try to be optimistic but need to make my own life worth living in the meantime ...

Even if we don't end up together, I do want to continue to be supportive of my sufferer as a friend, and in either case I find this forum to be invaluable.

 

[smogmonster]

Please continue to take care of yourself. Anger (or rage) is probably a big impediment to her feeling 'love' or 'in love' (though it gives energy, in a self-damaging kind of way). I hope that she does not default to taking it out on you- not good. :(

Yes, I know her rage is not really about me, and I am usually pretty good with boundaries. Trying to enforce them when my sufferer is triggered is a big challenge, however. The only thing that works to enforce a boundary after she's been triggered is removing myself from the conversation, which doesn't always go very well in itself. What does get my sufferer to calm down from being triggered is if her young child interjects (which only happens when I'm there in person), or if I just flat-out agree with whatever she's saying and drop the subject entirely, no matter how irrational it may seem at the time.

I've seen some advice for PTSD supporters along these lines, that to diffuse anger you simply agree with your sufferer's complaints or criticisms when they've been triggered and are raging, and that you think of these episodes as symptoms instead of taking them personally. I think this can work, but it doesn't seem like it would be healthy if it becomes a substitute for conflict resolution nor if it caused secondary trauma, and I have doubts about how healthy it is when my sufferer has not been through treatment herself. I still feel like my boundaries have been violated if I don't draw a clear line at certain behavior being unacceptable.

 

[Tinyflame]

Smogmonster, yes your boundaries are very important.

I'm not sure if I misread it, but not sure where they advocate 'agreeing' per se, to avoid conflict, or conflict escalating.. I agree, don't think that would be helpful.

Sounds like you guys are taking it slow. That's good. However, if you don't mind my saying- I don't want to offend- ptsd is so lousy that it takes a real deep commitment and love to stick together, through it and work through it. And she also has her chilld's future to think about, I imagine that is of more importance than her own. If it's kind of 'ho-hum', not sure if it would feel worth pursuing at a deeper level to either of you.

I hope that helps and isn't offensive! I just mean dealing with ptsd, well, it's not something most people can or would feel it worthwhile to handle, necessarily.

 

[smogmonster]

ptsd is so lousy that it takes a real deep commitment and love to stick together, through it and work through it. And she also has her chilld's future to think about, I imagine that is of more importance than her own. If it's kind of 'ho-hum', not sure if it would feel worth pursuing at a deeper level to either of you.

I'm willing to commit, but she is apprehensive about committing to anyone. It's not really "ho-hum" at all, but pushing for our relationship to progress doesn't work. She is still numb from PTSD and is not ready for the kind of level of relationship you're talking about yet.

Realistically, we both have to take it slow for it to work. We can't get to a deep love commitment from the place my sufferer is right now in a single step. We both love each other and have made it through a lot together already, but it will take time for her to trust enough where she's at that point.

I'm dating other people because it keeps me from focusing too much on her while we're going through this, only casually. It doesn't diminish my feelings nor my own commitment to her. If we moved in together, obviously I would be exclusive. She was dating other people when we re-connected and has stopped recently because of her own emotional capacity while dealing with school, not because she wanted us to be exclusive. Although that is the direction we're heading, albeit slowly at her request.

All that said, she has contacted me finally, and her communication was very clear. She has some unrelated health issues right now, and her capacity for anything emotional is pretty much full at the moment. But this should be resolved within a few weeks; she said she'd get back to me afterwards. I have seen a great deal of progress between last year and now, some big differences in how she communicates and her own self-awareness. I'm still around, and I'm being careful but not planning on going anywhere.

 

[Tinyflame]

That sounds good Smogster, I'm glad. Besides which, people are all different, and relationships too, so whatever works is best. I do understand, it's very difficult. I just wish you could have some time together at Christmas. But I hope she is feeling better soon and you still have much to celebrate. :)

 

[smogmonster]

I just wish you could have some time together at Christmas. But I hope she is feeling better soon and you still have much to celebrate.

Thanks. She will be dealing with medical issues, and I'll be with my family over the holidays. It's a pretty important Christmas for my family this year for entirely unrelated reasons. Also, I can't really take a break from my job until the holiday season is over. So, it's for the best, but with any luck we will get to spend time together once she's feeling better. She has some pretty big life events coming up in several months, but I think we have some opportunity before that.

 

[ms spock]

Hello and Welcome to the Forum!

 

[smogmonster]

So ...

I was diagnosed with PTSD a couple weeks ago. I had been abused as a child but had not made the connection that it was affecting me today, and it all sort of spilled out in therapy recently after some triggering events. I started EMDR treatments with my therapist last week.

In the meantime, I have cut ties with my sufferer as of a couple months ago due to her mistreatment of me and refusal to seek help. It was very painful, and I didn't feel much like talking about it here at the time. I'm aware now that she was triggering me as much as I was her, and I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing, except that saying no to abuse is still the only choice I could ever make in the end. So, I don't think my decision would have changed if I had this diagnosis earlier, but it's difficult not to second guess myself and my own perception and recollections at this point, and wonder what would have been different if I had already been through my own therapy.

Anyway, it's been a strange journey getting to this. I am relieved that I can treat my anxiety in a way that appears to be working, finally, after so many years living with it, but I'm also a bit confused by the events of the last few months and am still trying to understand it all.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Good for you for walking away.

I can't be in any sort of face to face relationship with others who have PTSD as it always ends up in us triggering each other. I know others who have been sexually abused, but by some grace of god we don't trigger each other. It only seems to be an issue when the other person has PTSD or is struggling with healing.

I was concerned with your original post as even if she jumped back into recovery for alcohol abuse, it is advised that no new relationships be started for a year or so I believe. But now I see that's no longer an issue.

 

[smogmonster]

I've personally dealt with quitting drinking about a decade ago, and I've been on the other side of it with many family members and friends; I know all about that, though that part about relationships is mostly an AA thing, and even the founder Bill saw the value of unconditional love from a partner while in recovery. I had known my sufferer for quite a long time, long before she had PTSD, and we weren't technically in a "relationship" recently, although we were more than friends. In any event, I was prepared to stick around for support and friendship if that's all we could do, but she is in denial and isn't ready to deal with her own problems. Honestly, a lot of her hostility looks very familiar to me, not so much from PTSD, but mostly the kind of reaction that I came to know from depression and alcoholism.

Yes, two undiagnosed/untreated PTSD sufferers would very likely trigger each other, as we did. I'm not sure if that would be the case with diagnosis and treatment for either or both of us. I'm focusing on my own healing right now, but knowing that someone I love is suffering and there's nothing I can do about it is still painful. Even if we never see each other again, I don't want her to live in pain, but all I can do is detach from her so I don't become an enabler and hope she makes the right choices for herself.

 

[Deleted member 19035]

Hello and welcome.