Thanks to all who commented.
The hearing was Monday, as I said. It was horrible. Worse than I thought it would be. I didn't realize how it would affect me and how it would sort of "unravel" me over the course of days. I refused to think about it at all until right before we went in, and thus I was unprepared and in a total fog. I talked with the CA who "dumped" the case. She said she had no choice. I spent three days spiraling down and overthinking and absolutely pounding myself for failing so horribly. I had a good day on Thursday. I don't know why. If I knew, I would bottle it. Sell it on the streets. The "why." Then I could make it happen again and again. Friday morning was good and then, out of the blue, I crashed again. Anxiety, almost panicky, and almost surfacing tears at work.
I called the attorney who actually tried the case and thankfully he called me back. He seemed to think it went better than I thought it did. He seems to believe that we may win. The magistrate was - Thank God - the same magistrate who presided before. She is familiar with me and with him and with any luck, will find him Guilty. I do not know what will happen to me emotionally if he is found Not Guilty.
The ex showed up to show support, because he "wants me back." Five years later and we are still dancing this dance. On Thursday, I told him to stop pushing me and the same barrage of abusive words came out of his mouth, the same tired attacks, the same thing I have been hearing over and over and over, almost without rest, for over six years now. I have read that with complex trauma, the first step is to remove the abuse, to find safety. How can I do that when one won't go away, and the other is my children's father? How do I find "safety" when everything I am surround by and with provokes a memory? How does one "forget" seven years - nearly eight years now - of her life?
I have stopped numbing and coping with substances (almost two weeks now) in preparation for the beginning of real work (counseling) that I have scheduled in 2013 and I had no idea how difficult all of this would be without aid. I am a mess. I am just a mess.
I have no support. Nobody gets it. "Get on with your life." "Stop living in the past." "Count your blessings." "Be happy, for Christ's Sake!" They just don't understand that I am damaged. If I could fix it I would.
I have become reclusive and am beginning to experience anxiety when I leave the house for social functions. I HAD to attend one last night. I have never felt this way before. I have never felt this much anxiety, just being around people. I have no friends, to speak of. This ordeal has pushed them all away. I have pushed them all away.
When I left the social function last night, I wandered around in the parking lot. I lost my car and could not remember even how I drove in. Five minutes? Ten? I just kept walking around, panic growing. It felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. I could not even focus hard enough to place myself. I wasn't even in the right parking lot. I finally "woke up," if that is the right term. That is what it felt like. I finally "woke up" and found it. When I got in it, I was shaking, and it felt so safe.
I hope that this is mostly just a worsening of the symptoms due to seeing him again. I am so screwed up. I don't know how to fix this. What has happened to me, the past.... it is ALWAYS on my mind. I do NOT know how to get it out. It is as if I have imprinted. Or have been imprinted.
Sorry for the dump. I woke up this morning feeling just as bad as I did when I went to bed. And to make matters worse, I am pounding myself for my self-absorption in the wake of yesterday's tragedy. I got to wake up this morning with my children. I am so very grateful for that.
