Who First Showed You Real Love?

[safenow]

You don't need to put the name here. What I meant was: Who's behavior do you pattern love after?

For me, it was the head mistress of HollyGrove Home for Children. Here was a little single lady who came to the US from Ireland to start her life. I'm not sure what she did, if anything, before she worked at the orphanage. But there, she treated each and every boy and girl as though they were her own children. She encouraged us to do well, praised us when we did something good, and admonished us when we did something wrong. She comforted us when we cried and held us when we needed a hug. She wasn't above getting down on the ground and playing with us. To me, that was real love.

safenow

 

[TLight]

I was one of those who never had anyone in my childhood,teen years who showed love or even caring at all. I'm glad for you SafeNow, and for others, who have suffered horrible trauma (s) but had one person who was there for them at some time. A Grandma or something, anyone.

I was terribly terribly alone and never had any example of caring until I was 42 and met my now husband. He would cry with me during flashbacks, do anything to comfort me, and essentially made it his lifelong goal to show me some love. At first and for a long while, it terrified me. Didn't trust it.

Unfortunately, he used to think this would 'cure' me. It hasn't, although it has made my life drastically different and worthwhile.

 

[safenow]

I was 42 and met my now husband.

I am so glad you found him. You are lucky in that respect. While it doesn't cure you, a last it makes it a bit better, don't you agree?

 

[timid_flower]

Well I have to admit a big part of me often struggles to believe unconditional love even exists. Though a part of me does believe. That's mainly because of my younger sister. To me, she is the epitome of a kind and loving person.

 

[discarded]

I was from a large family and although there was love I never really felt I had that someone special, just too many of us I suppose. My husband is a very distant sort of person and now with his PTSD there is no emotion shown at all. I have also found it hard to show love to my kids although I love them more than life itself. This is something I know I need to work on before it is too late. I do crave to have that one special someone in my life.

 

[safenow]

(((( discarded )))), if you allow hugs.
(((( timid flower )))), if you allow hugs.

If you don't, I send you both butterfly kisses on the back of your hand.

safenow

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My husband before we got married showed me real mercy and i fell in love with him. He has been the love of my life. He was very passionate. He lavished me with his love in so many different areas. That is why it is so hard with him getting dementia. He is fading away. He is not the man I married. He is becoming a stranger, but he is still very sweet and loving.

 

[Loveneverfails]

There have been lots of people who have shown me what love is in small ways, no hugely special being to change my world. Just lots of special people doing good things, living good lives. Sometimes just watching people can show me what real love is, like how young parents at the park have a bag full of toys, food and wetnaps for their 2 year old just in case. Or listening to a middle aged man talking fondly about how his wife deals with conflict. I'm pretty cynical about life in general, but since I don't really have anyone to pattern myself after, I tend to look everywhere and take notice of love wherever I see it.

 

[Abstract]

Safenow,
I am very sorry that this was the first person in your life to show you safe love, compassion and empathy. And safe physical comforting. All children should have that from the start of their lives. I am very glad you met this woman. She sounds wonderful and loving and like any normal person should treat a child.

Safe hugs to you and everyone else on here (and some of that gentle hair brushing that you like if that helps you).

I find it hard to answer this. It brings up self judgement and confusion. My mother appeared to be very loving in many ways and at times. Either she is and I am basically nuts or else there is often subtle clever manipulation, undermining, ownership, invasiveness and a refusal to see me as a human being in my own right and not an extension of her needs. It's probably why I find my fathers out there violence and aggressive behaviour much easier in many senses. I still find myself thinking I am crazy when dealing with my mother and maybe I am. A phone call today had me laid out with pain and confusion after and there was no reason for that at all.

So even though I can't say if it was the first person to show me love the first person whose love I felt safe in was my first relationship at the age of about 18. I remember the sublimeness of that affection. It was like the molecules of my body were starting to adhere to each other for the first time. It was almost other worldly. Like having no skin and everything exposed and someone covering you in a fine layer of cells for the first time.

 

[Sailorgal]

Abstract - my mother is the same - very loving but also manipulative and I think a bit mental (she lost her parents in her 20s I think so that has affected her). She had her good points but I wouldn't say I learned from her at all.

People in my life are similar to yours Loveneverfails. A bit here and there....nothing life changing.

TLight - that is soo wonderful! I have a saying....better to have a rough start and a beautiful finish than start out great and end up in the pits.

Gizmo - it is touching how you speak lovingly about your husband.

Safenow - it is amazing how the grace of God has shown Himself to you and impacted you.

I thought my ex was the one who really loved me more than anything - almost unconditionally as no one else ever has. Everyone loved me for what they THOUGHT I was. He loved me for me...except the PTSD. :speechless:

I really can't think of anyone.

 

[goingonhope]

I don't know if it was my mother, high school sweetheart, or the therapist in my mid twenties-who diagnosed me with Ptsd.

My mother had loved and did everything in her power to protect me in early years. She did not succeed and she turned on me later, yet I now forgive her.

My high school sweetheart loved me, but I suspect that sadly he had only met a fragmented part of me.

The therapist whom I saw twice a week for 2yrs. was exceptional and I do believe he respected, loved and truly honored my essence, my whole self. I experienced his therapy as though he was good family and it was filled with real love, more than the psychology, the known approaches or anything else. And, yet he certainly used such skills often with expertise.

Anyhow, I'm guessing my mom was the first one though to ever show me some real love. What's very sad though is that is was too, too brief.

 

[Abstract]

Abstract - my mother is the same - very loving but also manipulative and I think a bit mental (she lost her parents in her 20s I think so that has affected her). She had her good points but I wouldn't say I learned from her at all.
.

Sailorgal, it messes with my head. If I am to believe myself then although it always looked "fine" or even "good" from the outside it never felt either of those and I felt very unsafe and confused. My mother had a pretty perfect upbringing so that makes it even harder to understanding.

I am sorry you mother had issues and was troubled and that she wasn't able to give you what a mother should give.

The boyfriend I had was no great love nor did he really see me for who I was really but he was not abusive or critical, he was affectionate and reliable. And it was mostly a case of my brain and body soaking that in in a wonderful way. I am glad for this thread as I had forgotten all this. This affection helped me so much.

Hugs to everyone.