What Does Isolating Look Like In Your Relationship?

[discarded]

I am with you Bilby, I don't know how to cope with isolating and I too feel like my life is just about PTSD

 

[Abstract]

Bilby, I really feel for you. I am sorry you have to deal with PTSD and with your own problems with depression and more. I don't know if this helps but I would find it difficult to be in that position myself. If he started behaving like me I would probably struggle.

how do sufferers prefer their supporters to respond/react under these circumstances? What is the best thing that helps you at this time, in relation to your supporter?

There are two sides of this for me. If it is only about what is good for me then someone just being around but not pressuring me in any way or being needy is the easiest. But that isn't fair and if I was on the receiving end of it I would insist on communication. That would mean being told that it wasn't about me but that they needed emotional space. And that I received some reassurance whenever they are cable of it. I think its right that your basic needs get met in some way whilst being realistic about what he can do. Too much and it will probably backfire and his symptoms will get worse which will impact you regardless.

What I really don't think will help anyone at all is anger or meltdowns. Clear calm communication immediately makes the content easier to deal with. But then we are all human and that is sometimes impossible.

I truly think you need to look at getting your basic needs met in the relationship though. And then it is about not aggravating the PTSD as much as is possible as that wont help either of you.

I don't isolate to control or manipulate others.

Tlight, I am with you with all you said in your post.

It isn't until recently that I've begun to embrace the idea of self care which to some others may look like isolation.

There is an aspect of this that I relate to. In the past I have only thought of others needs and I think that has resulted in me being much more unwell. Sadly what to others looks like unhealthy behaviour is largely self care.

 

[MissMacD]

I truly think you need to look at getting your basic needs met in the relationship though. And then it is about not aggravating the PTSD as much as is possible as that wont help either of you.

Sadly what to others looks like unhealthy behaviour is largely self care.

My PTSD got aggravated constantly when I first started dating my boyfriend. I am a loner by nature so having someone else in my space regularly was alienating. It has taken about three years for us to come to a place where we can still have fun with each other and appreciate each others company without me feeling like I need to isolate. I have my own space in our apartment - my own bed and all of my clothing is in my very own private space so that I have somewhere to go if being around my boyfriend is too much.

It took me two of those years to figure out that I've never dealt with my trauma and another year I spent on a waiting list for therapy.

Most of the people who see my self care as unhealthy or selfish I have eliminated as regular people in my life as they are not people I can thrive around. Those that are important to me I have defined my boundaries so they know that my isolation is not an act of selfishness or unhealthy at all but the only way for me to reset when I feel overwhelmed.

 

[Bilby]

Bilby, I really feel for you. I am sorry you have to deal with PTSD and with your own problems with depression and more.

Thank you, Abstract. It can be incredibly hard at times. We both owe it to ourselves, as well as each other, to look after ourselves as much as we possibly can - for both of us, that involves therapy/treatment with a psychiatrist and medication. Self-care is absolutely essential.

I think its right that your basic needs get met in some way whilst being realistic about what he can do. Too much and it will probably backfire and his symptoms will get worse which will impact you regardless. What I really don't think will help anyone at all is anger or meltdowns. Clear calm communication immediately makes the content easier to deal with. But then we are all human and that is sometimes impossible. I truly think you need to look at getting your basic needs met in the relationship though. And then it is about not aggravating the PTSD as much as is possible as that wont help either of you.

I agree with all these statements, very true.

I think this is why when our relationship hit crisis point and the realisation that was affecting our children etc, that my husband sought help. It was a fantastic decision for him, as he deserves to truly live his life to the full, but it was also a fantastic decision for us. We have both realised the importance of communicating effectively (i.e. assertively) and have been putting quite a lot of work into this - our relationship had really taken a blow in this respect - everything was about anger, on both our parts. We still have our moments, don't get me wrong, but for the most part, things feel so much healthier between us now.

I largely put this question out there as I do still struggle with knowing what to do during 'PTSD times'. I find it difficult when I'm put into isolation because that's what he needs. I think I cope with that situation better now than what I did as I under PTSD a lot better and our communication is better, but I do still feel awfully lonely at times and I find that hard.

B x

 

[Abstract]

Bilby,

If I had depression etc and was faced by isolation from my husband then I too would feel awfully lonely and find it hard. Although my PTS symptoms escalated into full blown PTSD a few years back I have suffered with depression definitely since adolescence and possibly before and I can understand how difficult it must be for you in circumstances like this. I also think its extremely important to have an outlet for your feelings as depression for me was a lot about my inability to feel anger or express it. I found and still find that journaling is essential for that. It would be normal for all this to make you feel angry. For me it would about keeping in mind that it is noones fault, what would make things worse and allowing myself some way of releasing what I feel and respecting it. I hope that makes sense. I have largely been able to control my depression these days and I have found emotions really important for that.

T We have both realised the importance of communicating effectively (i.e. assertively) and have been putting quite a lot of work into this

I am so glad that you are both getting proper support and can do this. I do think that if either person is not able to assertively put forward their needs (assertiveness considers the others perspective) and if there isn't communication then it is a disaster waiting to happen.

If one person for example was accepting bad behaviour or taking their anger out on the other etc then it just slowly starts unravelling and is bad for both.

I would say that what you need to do when he isolates more is lots of self expression and lots of self care. And be extremely vigilant about taking it personally. If you have those sorts of messages going on quietly in your mind your depression will get worse.

 

[Sailorgal]

Just putting this out there - how do sufferers prefer their supporters to respond/react under these circumstances? What is the best thing that helps you at this time, in relation to your supporter?

It really depends on the person and where they are at. For me, I had NO CLUE I had PTSD or was abused. It unfolded DURING the relationship. So most of the frustration was became about me and him and not me and PTSD. When I was "there," just him being there and caring was fine. Sometimes the questions were ok. But when my trauma surfaced and I was dissociative, it was like the scene in backdraft. There was NOTHING he could say. I remember hours and hours of him crying and holding me, loving me, telling me how I meant more to him than anything else in the world, and that he would do anything for me. He would literally raise his voice crying out to me, "Don't you know it hurts me to see you like this?" His tears....Me? I was simply blank - for months and months. Oh gosh, remembering all that is hard.:cry::inpain:

Back to isolation, I spent the days alone and I preferred it that way. In my dissociation, I talked to friends - but it was a happy front. I didn't want to go anywhere, do anything....we did but I was just miserable - always. I didn't know why then but now I know. I put on a happy front when he came home for work and that was it.

I find it extremely difficult to initiate conversation(s) with a fellow and I am bashful to speak up unless others speak to me first.

Sheila, I believe that man should initiate, however that is not a formula! But just making conversation - go for it! See him like an old friend, neighbor....I have friends who can't talk to guys they like. Think of something he talked about before. Or......use the cheesy Christian line, "I believe I have your missing rib.":roflmao:

 

[Sailorgal]

It took me two of those years to figure out that I've never dealt with my trauma and another year I spent on a waiting list for therapy.

Yes, had I known I had PTSD, I would've saved both of us a lot of heartache! Oh well...live and learn. I have bigger fish to fry!

 

[Abstract]

remembering all that is hard.

Dear ((((Saillorgal.))))) Many safe hugs to you if you want them.:hug:

And I totally relate to not having known I had PTS or PTSD.

 

[Sailorgal]

Thank you dear Abstract! I will take the hugs! :hug:

 

[Bilby]

Thanks Abstract.

I do have to watch the 'taking things personally' bit - I do this a lot. I have also found my own behaviour "mimics" his to a certain extent - which I don't like. Specifically, I refer to the anger. I've brought this up in other threads, but it's something that I have discussed with my psychiatrist. I'm not really the 'angry' sort... so to start feeling this way was a bit of a shock and it seems to be so hard to control at times - it's...kind of overwhelming, over-powering. And it's such a nasty emotion.....

As far as my depression and anxiety goes, this stems back to my childhood (I am glad I am not alone in having a long history with this sort of thing) and I was told a long time ago now, that medication would be a lifelong thing for me. I'm ok with this. I have to take the medication if I want to be able to function and have a shot of living a happy life. Perhaps sad to some, but that's my reality - so be it.

It's interesting that you mention journalling, as I have done this in the past, but it was more to help me through some aspects of my life that I feel I have no control over and that would set off all sorts of emotions. I have to say, that it helped me a lot, however I found myself becoming resentful of the fact that I had to have a journal, if that makes sense? I will have to think about this some more. I can tell you one thing that I have done however, is that at times when I have felt unheard, unloved, p*ssed off or any number of other things, I have typed my husband a letter - but not given it to him. I've just deleted it once I've typed it and gotten all my thoughts out there.

Sailorgal - thanks for your input, and I'm very sorry that it caused you to be upset when reflecting upon all this. For what it's worth, even though I don't have PTSD, I do know all about keeping up appearances and the "happy front". It is incredibly draining - physically and emotionally.

Thank you both for taking the time to respond here, it's been really helpful.

:hug: - for both of you!

B x

 

[Abstract]

however I found myself becoming resentful of the fact that I had to have a journal,

((((Bilby)))).
I totally understand that and have been there and still feel like this at times. But for me it is just a reality if I want to manage my depression. Like the medication. It also helps me stop going back to anorexia. I thought I had not really felt anger up the the age of around 38. I honestly do not think I ever lost my temper before that. What I realise now is that it was internalised or aimed at myself. As someone that finds anger difficult acknowledging and allowing some expression of anger was very hard and frightening. And others anger very frightening.

I do think anger can be contagious so I think your reactions to his anger are quite natural. What is important is what you do with that anger.

I don't know if you have done any cognitive behaviour therapy around emotions? And around self talk?
:hug:

 

[Sailorgal]

Bilby,

It's just hard reflecting because NOW I know what I was like. I didn't know what the bleep I was doing before. I didn't know I was that bad and needed help. Just thought I was hurt from my ex before him. I wanted to state that it depends on where the sufferer is. You may have him "there" most of the time. If that is most of the time and he is responsive, great! That is the difficult part to accept because sometimes sufferers don't really know what's going on at times. Where I am now, I'm able to process and even ground myself. So it depends on where he feels he is at in this point. He has to communicate effectively with you on it.