Relationship Hello, Here Is My Situation.

[phraglern]

Just over two years ago I was reunited with an old friend via Facebook. I hadn't talked to her in 20 some years, anyways I went to visit her a couple hundred miles away and we clicked and have been together since. She told me upfront that she had MS and PTSD (from an abusive relationship in her late teens) as well as 4 children with slight autism.

The first 8 months of our relationship was absolutely wonderful. She was the kindest, gentlest most caring compassionate woman I had ever met. Then she and her kids moved in with me and within 2 weeks she started checking out, becoming emotional distant and less affectionate. Without knowing/understanding PTSD I reacted in the completely the wrong way and blew up at her. We made up somewhat, but it has been a steady downhill ride for the last 18 months.

She went to therapy for about 2 months and at first became a raving *****, then just as she settled down and things were actually getting better she quit going saying she was only going for me.

Now it is to the point she is sleeping on the couch, and hides in a little girl cave she has made for herself in the basement and smokes pot with her grown daughter and her boyfriend. We haven't had sex in a couple months, no cuddling hand holding etc. She told me a couple weeks ago that ANY physical affection between us makes her so anxious she wants to puke.

A couple weeks ago I found this forum and read and began to understand a lot. I also started seeing a therapist the other day. My therapist said about the only I have going for me is the fact we are not married. She also said that she wanted to meet my fiance once to get her perception of the relationship. My fiance promptly blew a gasket when I asked her.

I see mention of boundaries but no real examples or definitions, but Im tired of being the whipping post for her pent up anger, Im lonely, Im depressed, I am tired of supporting her and 4 kids and getting nothing in return but anger and distance. I don't want to kick this women and 4 kids to the curb but I cant live like this. How exactly do I protect myself? What exactly is enabling? Is there a way to somehow motivate her?

I fully realize that I will never have back what we had but I am to the point where I cant continue to support her parallel life (my therapist said we are living parallel lives under the same roof at my expense as she has left the relationship) at the expense of myself. I need help.

Thank you.

 

[Bilby]

Unfortunately, it is next to impossible to motivate her. She will need to want the help herself. Forcing her into treatment or guilting her into it won't work as she will become resentful and angry and certainly won't benefit from it unless she opens herself up to it.

Setting boundaries is very important - think about the things that you aren't prepared to accept, behaviour wise. It might be that you won't accept that she yells at you, or that you won't accept that she smokes pot downstairs (which sets a terrible example for the other kids). It's important that these boundaries are enforced, otherwise she is getting away with anything and everything and it is YOU who is just having to put up with it. That's not ok in any relationship. There has to be communication and compromise.

I'm not at all surprised that you feel so depressed and lonely - and you aren't there to be her emotional punching bag. That's not ok - PTSD or not. I hear you when you say that you do not want to kick her and her children to the curb, but please ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship - is this healthy for you? I'm glad that you have seen a therapist, this is important for you. But at the end of the day, unless she is seeing a therapist too, and getting help, then there is little you can do except let her know assertively, that certain things won't be tolerated. You will need to decide what the consequences are for her crossing the line.

This is your life too - you are entitled to a happy one.

B x

 

[phraglern]

I think the hardest thing is the kids, though they are not mine I love them like my own. If it was just her this would be easy. I guess Im just really angry too, I entered a relationship with a women and 4 autistic kids plus a grown one. I took on a lot. I have been a good man, a good provider and a good dad. All I have ever asked was to be treated like she wanted to be with me

 

[Bilby]

It's perfectly understandable that you would feel angry. For what it's worth, I have felt that at many times in my relationship and my husband willingly sought help. I did what you did, and lashed out at him, A LOT. It never helped, but I was desperate to be heard, to feel needed, wanted, like I still mattered in some way.

I can tell you have put all of yourself into this relationship and that you took on a lot - absolutely.

Have you considered reading the book called The PTSD Relationship? I have, and it's a good one - very helpful. But I really am glad that you have a therapist of your own.

I wish there was something I could say that would give you hope that she will get treatment - but it seems to be that most people don't, until they hit rock bottom.

Right now, you need to look after yourself, and the children. This is very difficult for them too and I'm certain you appreciate that from what you've said. This is another reason why it's so important that she understands that there are boundaries - it's not just you it affects, but the children too, and they have a right to a happy life.

Perhaps start by writing yourself a list - what things you find really hurtful and upsetting. Will she listen if you try to talk to her about these things to say that these things make you feel hurt and that it's not ok for her to speak/behave in that way? Do you think she will explode if you do?

 

[therapybankrupt]

Welcome to the forum! Bilby has given great advice!

 

[phraglern]

Bilby, anytime I try to talk about how i feel she sees it as an attact and pretty much instantly verbally explodes defensively.
As for the book, yes I bought it and read it after seeing it mentioned here while I was waiting for new member registration to reopen. I know and believe there really isnt any hope, its just, well the only way to end it puts the woman I love and 4 kids on the street. She gets $500 a month in child support plus foodstamps and thats not going to get her a studio apartment. For her, its her own doing, but the kids are innocent.

 

[Bilby]

What an incredibly difficult situation :( You are right, the kids are innocent - no doubt about that.

So, I guess for you right now, there is very much a feeling of having your hands tied?

 

[phraglern]

More like treading water with rocks tied to my feet....

 

[Bilby]

I really feel for you. I wish there was something that I could suggest.

Has your therapist given you any other advice about this? Any advice about how to approach her? It certainly sounds like she is in a very self-destructive mode right now. Does she interact well with her children or is her anger/upset largely directed at you?

I really want to commend you on your dedication to the children, but I am very concerned about your quality of life (and in turn, theirs!).

Do you have any family around you for support? Is there somewhere you could go, even if it were just for a few days and take the children with you (a little "holiday" if you will)? Would she allow you to do this? Perhaps having some alone time (many PTSD sufferers need this) will help her?

 

[Bilby]

P.S. I am hoping that there may be someone else here who can offer some suggestions - either a supporter (like myself) or a sufferer.

 

[phraglern]

she is actually fairly decent with the kids....she has pretty much set her sights on me as the sole root of all problems on Earth. I have kicked around the idea that since my parents house is close, (but they are in Florida untill spring) spending a week or so there and telling her it is to give her space to figure out if she really wants a relationship and what she is going to do to contribute. That way she can think without the sight of me adding stress to her cup.

 

[Bilby]

I think it would be a good idea - give her some space and time on her own.

I think she really has to seek her in order for the relationship to continue - without it, everything can go very wrong, as you're unfortunately experiencing :( Even with treatment, it can be up and down, but at least then she is giving herself the best possible chance of a happy life, and a happy relationship. She is being very aggressive towards you in her communication and no one can cope with that for very long.