A little update:
I know the holidays are a hard time for her and I have been giving her space. At the same time I'm sure shecould sense I was getting to the end of my rope. So for the last month or so I have pretty much left her alone, I have observed her trying hard to 'fix' the outsides. Paying more attention to cleaning the house, showering everyday, dressing better, makeup etc.. She has also sat down and initiated 2 discussions with me over the last month. Well, more like verbal emotional explosions, she said some nasty things to me, but I sat, listened, didn't become defensive and tried to process what she said and what she actually ment. In the mean time I also saw a therapist to see what was in my head and what was real, as well as reading a lot here. A week ago she exploded on me, angry that I had gone to a therapist myself instead of a dr. to put ME on meds for depression and mood swings. She angrily told me "this ptsd thing, lets call it what it really is, rape, how dare you even think that I want to relive that...." I just sat there, let her vent and told her I would process what she said and get back to her. Well today she blindsided me telling me she had a "ptsd appt. friday", whatever that means.
A couple hours later i sat down with her to talk about what I had processed. I had paper in hand on which I had formulated my thoughts, feelings and some basic boundry work. She actually sat there and listened! She didn't get defensive, she didn't try to rationalize, she actually listened. I saw tears starting to well up in her eyes as she actually heard what I had to say. She actually agreed with me on things. Previously if I brought up anything of the impact on me she would get so defensive she would argue about whether the sky was blue. She has even been going to bed earlier than me in our bed, at first with a huge clump of blanket between us as some kind of wall, but last nite I was awoken by her actually cuddeling up with me.
I know things may veer off a cliff again at any moment, but these last couple weeks i have seen the shields slowly comming down. Today I am walking softly so I don't scare her back into her hole as she sticks her head up as opposed to walking on eggshells. I told her today that as we were discussing boundries that " It's your body, and your dicisions. You have the right to tell me no and I promise I will ALWAYS respect that, and will NOT cross that line. I may not always be happy with your decisions, I may grumble, complain or be grumpy, but I will not cross that line." I also told her that it was her battle, that I could not fight it for her or with her, that all I could offer her was my support and understanding and that somedays I may be good at it and some days I may be incapable, but that I was here for her and not against her.
Anyways I'm rambling, but we are for the first time in probably a year actually really communicating instead of fighting and I can tell she is actually present. For the first time in a long time I have looked into her eyes and saw the wonderful woman I fell in love with.
