Relationship Ptsd And Impulses?

[ces__]

Thank you! You're right. Not that I keep on forgetting, but I have to realize its not like a typical average relationship I'm dealing with. I have been trying to do things... It's still hard. But thank you, hopefully he eventually will. Ill keep updates when I can. :)

 

[dms]

Ces-I'm in your shoes..It's hard when you need validation but Discarded is so right on point!

 

[Dallas]

Try and enlarge your life and become immersed in it. What he does or doesn't do shouldn't really be that important. My guy came down with the flu, and is sick, but there's nothing I can do about it right now. He lives an hour away from me, and I'm getting ready to start my new job tomorrow. Being ready for my new job takes WAY priority over everything else. It is literally a matter of life or death for me. Our relationship will have to wait till I have some time off and he is feeling better. Things have to be on hold right now...at least for a couple weeks till we both get everything sorted out. I am not distraught over the thought I've barely talked to him over the last 5 days and probably won't see him for at least a couple weeks. There are WAY more important things in my life right now.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

I guess it's been only three days...just Hi how are you, "sick", ok...hope you feel better...very brief...that's all either us have the time or energy for right now.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[ces__]

Dallas,
I really admire the way you look about things.... I used to be able to think positively like that but my last relationship just really made me paranoid and sick and never good enough. He was extremely verbally abusive.. got physical too And just... Wrong. Hence why I'm so upset about this situation. Today has been better, I actually see things looking up.
I hope your man feels better! The flu is terrible this year. And good luck at your new job today!!

DMS- I'm sorry about your situation. I know it sucks but seriously keep looking at the forum! Hope you're okay. And hang in there :)

 

[jkr8789]

Just saw this and wanted to respond, as I went through a VERY similar experience with my boyfriend, C, last year... unfortunately several times.

When we first started dating, he took a spontaneous trip to Missouri to help his Dad with some moving out there. He decided to leave two days prior, didn't plan the trip at all, and had no idea when he would return. He was gone for three weeks, and suddenly, just decided to come back. Luckily he stayed in touch and we talked while he was gone.

Then two weeks later he took off for a week to the beach with his friends. This time was a bit worse, and I didn't hear from him the entire week he was gone. He came back, got a new job, and... you guessed it, two weeks later, took off again.

This time he went to Tennessee/Missouri on a road trip for Labor Day weekend with one of his friends from the Marines. I should mention that this "friend" is a very bad influence on C... we're talking drugs/alcohol issues here. I'm still not entirely sure what went down between the two of them on this trip, but C came back without his friend. He told me they "got in a fight" that was so bad someone had to separate them. Again, I barely heard from him while he was gone.

When he got back and started his new job I was hopeful that he would stick around for a while. And he did, for a few months. Until February, when this same "friend" called him up, out of the blue, and started telling him about this great bar he was going to open and run up at a ski resort in New England. He wanted C to help him open up the place. Two days after the call, C left at 4 am on a Sunday morning. I had stayed with him the night before, and remember going back to bed, crying myself to sleep because I really thought he was gone for good this time. Turns out this last "trip" was the wake up call he needed, and one of the many "rock bottoms" that C hit. He was broke, and didn't have the money to get home once he got up there and found out this new "business venture" was not what he thought. Luckily his parents were able to wire him money to get him home... and upon returning he moved in with them in an attempt to really get a handle on his life and his PTSD.

That was almost a year ago. Writing it all out and describing it to another person... makes me feel crazy for staying with him through all of it. But I know y'all can understand. And I thought it might help to know that your boyfriend's actions are not out of the ordinary. C's need to constantly be going somewhere, to run when things got too stable... it confused me at first. Now I realize it was a symptom of his PTSD. When things got too stressful, when he had to deal with "real life" too much... he coped with it all by running. Just getting away. He wasn't ready to face reality and so he would run away. Literally. And he didn't just take all these spontaneous "trips"... C moved 3 times in the first year we dated. He switched jobs 3 different times.

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, and it's not you. I've experienced the same thing. But I also wrote this to let you know that there is hope. After moving in with his parents, C was able to get his finances in order (which included filing bankruptcy because he was in so much debt... at only 24yr old), save up some money, get therapy and get to a better place in his life, hold down a steady, full time job that he actually enjoys... and two weeks ago he moved into his own place. Looking back a year ago, it continues to amaze me where we are now. It's like he is a completely different person and our relationship is in a place that I never could've hoped for. Don't get me wrong, we still have a long way to go and we still have our fair share of problems... but now I can picture a future for us and know that it is a reality, not just some wild hope or dream.

Good luck to you! Reading these forums helped me so much when I was at the point where I thought I would have to give up on C, and it still helps me now to come back every once in a while for a refresher.

 

[Invisible-Guy]

Hi CES, are the friends fellow service members? Sometimes part of re-adjusting takes time and he may be more comfortable with people that went through a similar trauma, and this military is a pretty tight group because the literally depend on each other to stay alive. I know for myself, I also avoid my family most of the time because I don't want them to see me like this. They might get too concerned or just not like the new me (I don't know who that is because I'm a work in progress) My wife sometimes has to give me pretty big spaces of alone time or my anxiety goes through the roof. My impulse control has more to do with emotions than financial, but when I was at bottom, I did cash out my 401K and blew some of it and gave away money to family that needed help. at the time, I was still really suicidal, but I still don't regret the impulse to help my family out. I DO REGRET buying things such as weapons because I was also very paranoid at that time. I'd be concerned of him dumping all his cash as that may be a 'nothing to loose' mentality, but as far as friends, that sounds like it's just his comfort zone right now. Having PTSD makes you want to hide in comfort zones and do a lot of avoiding.

 

[Dallas]

he may be more comfortable with people that went through a similar trauma, and this military is a pretty tight group

My guy lives in VA group housing. I think he really likes it there and it gives him the support he needs (something I could never do in a million years because I am not a Gulf War Vet, so I have no idea what he went thought). I am grateful he has this support, and it keeps him active and prevents him from slipping into depression.

We are planning our future together but for me one of the top priorities is that in our new house, he has easy, constant access to the VA, that he can go to while I'm at work. He wants to go back to school too, so he is looking up local schools and programs he can attend. We want to find a place close to my work and the VA (two miles apart). Hopefully he will find a school nearby too!

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

I used to be able to think positively like that but my last relationship just really made me paranoid and sick and never good enough. He was extremely verbally abusive.

I've been in plenty of abusive relationships like that, but I gave myself time to heal from the last one (3 years ago) and have developed a close relationship with God. God comes first in my life now, over any man or any thing else. He alone provides me with the love and strength I need to live. When you put your man first in your life over God (as I did my whole life, to try and fix the hole in my heart) you are committing idolatry, and things go really wonky, really fast. It just doesn't work that way.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Invisible-Guy]

Hi Dallas, you are doing a wonderful job trying to understand what he is going through. You are an amazing person. You are very patient that need currently need to live in VA group housing, that is very sweet of you. Time will heal him as long as he is also following through with his treatment. Just don't push too hard, baby steps :)

 

[ces__]

Okay guys, sorry for not posting all week. Im going to reply to everyone in one shot. Thank you!
JKR8789,

Thank you so much for sharing with us your story! And it makes me happy that you guys are still together after all that, and that im not the only one whos dealing with something similar. Your story opened my eyes that its not me, its how these guys feel. With what you said about how they always feel the need to be up and going somewhere else, that’s absolutely true, and I don’t think my boyfriends idea of living on unemployment is the best ideas when hes back, hes going to go nuts. Hes planning on getting a job under the table, which I really hope he goes through with, and this vacation was enough for now. It must of been a shock for you to write all this down in the open and realize how much you have been through. You are not crazy for it at all! this shows how strong you and your man are, and when people do care about each other, they will make it work.

Thank you! And good luck to you too J I wish you the best.


Invisible guy,

Yes they are former service members and one is currently taking a contracting job in Afghanistan. (he served previously) youre right, my selfishness didn’t realize that he is more comfortable adjusting with people that have dealt with the same things that he has been through. Thank you for your perspective. Im becoming more understanding why he wants to be with them like this. I am concerned about the spending. Im saying this in the least selfish way possible but it was bothering him that he didn’t have money so we can do things, so as long as he goes along with his words for US to do things, I wont have a problem. I know hes had money issues before, but he is aware that he has to start saving. Its all about doing it. Im dealing with the same problem myself, and Im really envious of him he had enough money to throw on this “vacation” and Im not even close to. Im glad youre doing better now! Thank you again.

Dallas,

I absolutely agree. God does come before anything for myself to. Last year, when I was dealing with the abusive relationship breakup, I started praying every night. I was miserable, but in a senese I knew it was helping. I still pray every night, or at least try to. My boyfriend and I are the same religion. Unforutneately, he lost faith in God. I believe it was after he came back from Afghanistan the second time, he doesn’t believe in God, gave great reasons why, and I refuse to argue with him. Its not worth it. I dealt with other relationships where they don’t believe in god, but in this case, he has a reason not to I guess you can say. I still pray for him regardless.

On the topic of abusive relationships, they suck. No one deserves to go through with them, deal with them, etc. But for some reason, we stay, and its what makes us stronger I believe in a sense. The last one really took a toll on me. FINALLY my doctor prescribed me Kolonopin this week to ease my anxiety attacks. I need them under control once and for all. In case anyone is wondering it is NOT my veteran boyfriend making me this way.. its myself, ever since my last relationship specifically, ive became very paranoid and I freak out and assume the worst, obsess in my mind those thoughts, and I KNOW I shouldn’t, but I cant help it AT ALL. I didn’t eat for four days until I heard from him. I cant have fun with my friends. I get myself sick for no reason, and panic and shut down to the point I cannot do anything. I think his actions (amongst others) are to offend me. This was the worst attack I had in awhile, they were a lot worse last year than recently dating him since the end of august. Yeah. took my "wonderful" therapist a year and a freakin half to FINALLY realize I have anxiety, im hurting myself, NOT improving, and need something temporarily to move along with my life.

Sorry I haven’t updated all week. I got really sick, had work, started classes again. I did hear from him! He messaged me on facebook apologizing for not getting in contact with me, then a few days later he texted me and we talked for a bit. His words “being away on this trip made me realize how lucky I am to have you” I was not expecting that AT ALL. Today we spoke briefly too. Once I got the message from him on facebook, I felt fine. I was like wow he does miss me, cares and wants to be with me. I didn’t really miss him much, but today totally sucked I just want him home already. I see it as he is realizing being away having fun on his time, he somehow realized how much I mean to him. Now its my turn to understand and accept his needs, get over my childish behavior and stop doing what makes him irritated. Im just going to give him a ton of space when hes back. let him come to me. I feel so much better, and if it wasn’t for you guys I don’t know what I would do. THANK YOU! :)

 

[ces__]

Its been good, its been bad. Surprise! hes still not home. I dont know what to do or think. I just find it very offensive how him and his cousin can travel with other people now, and yes there are some girls and him not want to vacation with me at the time. When he told me he was staying longer and doesn't know when he would be home, he knew his actions were selfish, he was aware that I was upset but "its what he wants to do" then I guess I kept going at it he got all mad and told me to get over it. What he said, hurt. Then I didn't really talk much, a few days later he tried telling me what he was doing but I blew him off. He texted me in the middle of the night saying he loves me, but then now a few days later he seems so distant. I just dont think its right what hes doing.

I talked to him yesterday and told him that this is what he wants to do I'm for it I'm not mad at him. He said okay and I'm all WTF is wrong tell me and he claims its nothing, I told him not to screw around with me and he told me to stop being so insecure. So I guess there really is nothing wrong? It just gets me so angry that hes being distant all of a sudden. I asked him how his "vacation" was going and he said "relaxing" and if he was "behaving" and he said yes. Then later on during the day I tried talking to him and asked him if he was doing anything fun tonight and no answer. I know he got the texts since it said he read them. Like why cant you answer me.

It just amazes me how selfish hes being, and I'm literally sitting around waiting for him. Its not like I'm sitting around waiting for a deployment is over I'm sitting around waiting for him to be done having fun.

I just dont want any surprises when I'm back, like him break up with me (because that matter should be in my hands at this point.. Also, I think he would of done it by now) and I dont want him turning into a monster and acting like this selfish child when hes back.

It kills me I cant even think back at the good times we have had, or even think positive about the situation, it hurts to think about. I dont know what to do anymore. My friends are all pissed off at this situation too and its just taking a complete ugly toll on me. :(