TB, I guess this is closest to what I'm doing in therapy
In that case I think you are actually right on track!
If I bring the defensiveness as something to try to talk about and work on, then I think that's a good thing to do.
I also totally agree with Hashi here. Sadly I think some types of therapy will address the situation in quite a "you are wrong" way and that if one has certain vulnerabilities then one could find the response very difficult and shaming. To be clear I think these types of therapies would still say that it was appropriate to be having the discussion and that it is something that belongs in therapy and I don't believe the way they address it is "wrong" as such. I just think that certain sensitivities mean that that approach makes it almost impossible to have this type of discussion for some. Me for example! :oops:
I feel like I can bring anything up to my therapist.
That is so wonderful Monster. I think you deserve a lot of credit for that as you have obviously worked hard to get to this place with your therapist (T). And credit to your T as she has obviously earned your trust and the two of you have a proper T partnership. And that must bring you so much healing. :tup:
I would add healing trust with life,
I totally agree Hashi. I have realised from past experience that I don't need to believe things can change for them to do so. I just need to take one step after the other. But it is so helpful if we have someone reminding us that that is possible and give us a glimpse of a view outside our hurt perspective.
;) Well done for discussing this as I suspect this is a hard subject for you. I also think it could be something you discuss with your T.
It just seems like I'm such a mess and it is impossible for me to explain myself to others, even to myself.
I relate very much. Isn't it interesting as I think you express yourself well. People say that to me sometimes and what I have realised is that often the emotions are so intense and contradictory that words never feel like they are representing what I feel or mean. And that the actual act of "speaking" is so threatening to me that it is destabilising. I would almost describe it as triggering as I am beginning to suspect it brings up feels of not being helped, heard or seen from long ago. It was so severe that for a long time I would literally write gobbledygook to an extent as I would stop being able to think. I am much improved now but sadly when it comes to actually speaking this still happens a lot.
To be visible without fear of a negative reaction
I understand this too. I think its worthwhile thinking about what a negative reaction would be for you. Its Ok if you are not clear and sometimes just brainstorming it out can help give you clarity and expose hidden thoughts and feelings.
It makes me feel outside of humanity, which is so alienating, so isolating and so depressing.
I understand this I too I think. One of the things that helped me is realising that often I don't understand myself and can't put into words what I don't understand and that I am therefore not going to have clear easy conversations about how I feel about something. And that others experience this too at times. So really it is human and normal in the sense that growing up not feeling seen ends up disconnecting us from ourselves.
What do you think therapy is for? And do you think should not be brought into therapy?
I think what might help you here a little is to write down anything that comes to mind about what you think for all your first questions. Just brainstorm what comes up for you. Sometimes there are things in our minds that are very legitimate (because we feel/think them) but that can disrupt our trusting the therapy process. Remember too that it doesn't have to be "clever" or intellectual or any of those things. I find when I tap into painful thoughts it is jumbled and chaotic.
Lets say someone felt that therapy was for someone to fix them. That is a very valid thought. I think many go into therapy thinking this. It isn't what therapy is for and therefore if someone thinks that then they may become upset when the therapist isn't telling them what to think or feel. So if they have the conversation with the therapist and realise that isn't what therapy is for then it can help the relationship. That is just a random example of course.
My answers to the above quote would be:
I think therapy can be for many things depending on the problem, the person and where they are in healing.
It can be a place to learn and heal trust.
It can be a place where we can play out our relationship tendencies and therefore heal unhelpful tendencies.
It can be a place to be taught skills.
To be a place to learn how to detect and correct distorted thinking. That can be through direct observation or questions and guidance.
It can be a place to have the barest connection to another human being and therefore stop further deterioration or suicide.
It can be a safe place to process trauma and therefore put it in the past (there is a great thread on here somewhere about processing trauma and what that actually means).
It can be a place where are offered hope and inspiration that we can't presently find on our own.
It is usually a place where we learn about ourselves and gain self awareness.
It should be a place where we gain insights and understanding. Sometimes through direct means and other times through questions and guidance.
It is a place where we hopefully learn to process misunderstandings and conflict and therefore transfer these new understandings to our outside lives.
It is is a place where we can learn what a safe and trustworthy interaction feels like if we have not had one before. it can also be a place to learn what it feels like to be genuinely cared for.
It can be a place where learn by the example set by us by our T.
It is a place where can learn that people are human and make mistakes but that they can still have value. By learning that we learn that it is also Ok for us to be human and that we too still have value.
Etc etc...
That do I think should not be brought into therapy?
I agree with Raven and Hashi. Raven described it well.
The T's personal problems and issues.
Any inappropriate and unsafe behavior from the T.
And as Hashi said there is very little that should not be brought into T from the clients side and that speaking about even really challenging things rather than merely acting them out can be very helpful.
I will add that I think there are times when it can be appropriate for the T to bring in some personal information if it is only for the benefit of the client and not for their own reasons.
I would add another point. What are the clients responsibilities? And my answer would be:
To respect the boundaries that the T has put into place and any that are common sense and have not been discussed. That may mean avoiding inappropriate s*xual behavior; contacting the T or her/his family on facebook; being physically aggressive or emotionally very aggressive etc.
Discussing any grievances or problems with the T so that they we can attempt to solve them instead of just disappearing.
Ending T with the T by discussing it first with the therapist.
The other thing I wanted to say is that it negotiating our way through old hurts and vulnerable areas in order to be able to speak in T is part of it all. It makes it very hard and painful as they are obstacles that get in the way but it is sadly a reality.
