What Is Therapy For?

[Abstract]

dissociate

I guess in the case I mentioned it would be what would be called dissociated trance. if you think of someone being hypnotised then apparently that is a similar mechanism.

It's apparently going into a different level of consciousness. So if you take unconsciousness on one end of the spectrum and being alert and wide awake at the other it is somewhere along that line.

I have never seen anyone do this from the outside but from the inside I can;t move or speak and if I do it takes enormous effort and feels in very slow motion. It also messes with ones understanding of the passing of time.

But there are also much milder degrees of it. For example similar to daydreaming but all the time in a way. So one is not very alert or present and are easily distracted.

And then there can be disconnections between us and our bodies or sense of selves and/or our environment.
An example would be actually looking at ones body from above. One can see the head and clothes and everything but from a distance. A milder example would be walking but feeling ones body is not really ones own. Or not being able to feel pain or sensation.

And with the environment other people can look extra far away and if one is looking at them through a tunnel. Or the world can look a little like an abstract painting. or ones hand or feet can look artificial and not look as if they belong to you.

The other one I have is where everything feels fine but I try to speak and my vocal cords just don't cooperate. The same happens to my hand at times and a few times my legs have done it and I fall. Its like they don't belong and i therefore don't have control of them.

Emotional numbness is another example. Oh and not being able to focus ones eyes and everything feeling dreamy.

Then there is the other type with is rare and is when there are walls that form between aspects of the personality and that means there is no awareness of what the other part is doing. And partial walls for some.

Apparently there are genetic and other things that predispose one to dissociate. Some people do and some don't.

 

[Pencil]

You should give yourself lots of credit for that!

I give my therapist credit for that - she opens the process and draws me in. I know that she'll do this only for a while and start expecting me to do it. Let's see if I reach that level of maturity!

there needs to be a level of need, loss, dependence if we are attached to someone

Need? Loss? Dependence? Oh dear heaven, help me! :laugh:

 

[Hashi]

Plus, I start acting stupid - getting paranoid and angry and feeling out of control, and when she says something I imagine she said and meant something else and get myself into a total tizzy, and when she explains I feel like an idiot, but then I go right ahead and do it all over again

Well, if we didn't do stuff like this we wouldn't need to be in therapy! I'm not sure about seeing it as stupid or that you're an idiot. These are just reactions. They're coming from your emotions, they're not an indicator of your intelligence. They may not be the most helpful, perhaps, so then they would be reactions that you want to change.

Are you aware of what's happening at the time? Do you feel able to state that you're feeling those things?

 

[Abstract]

You are allowing your therapist to help you and deserve credit for that! I think you will find your therapist has a very clear understanding of what it takes to heal and will be very patient. You are trying hard and I think that counts for so much. You are reacting in a normal way considering your past.

And I am with you on the need, loss, dependence front! ;):eek::arghh;

 

[Hashi]

Need? Loss? Dependence? Oh dear heaven, help me!

Yes, but only a tiny bit at first. And you start to get all the positive things... the support, warmth, caring, connection etc.

I realise I talked mostly about trust, but Abstract is right that trust is only part of it. I think it begins in that way, though, at least for me. I need to know my therapist is a reliable, safe person with sound judgement.

 

[Abstract]

Just read Hashi's post. Of course you are not stupid!! I seemed to miss you saying that. You have merely been hurt in the past. Think of it this way - would it make any more sense to not have these tendencies?!!

If people in the past would have those motivations or intents it is the most normal thing in the world to assume that others do too.

But you are going back and learning to separate the past and others actions and the present and hers and that takes enormous courage. So huge credit to you.

It helped me a lot eventually when I thought that without a struggle I would not need T at all!

 

[Pencil]

the support, warmth, caring, connection etc.

I know, I can see that she tries to get me to stay in one place and not run riot.

So huge credit to you

Thank you!

Are you aware of what's happening at the time? Do you feel able to state that you're feeling those things?

Not really, I get stuck in the black/white thinking thing. This much I definitely share with bpd. I become absolutely convinced that my skewed thinking is a rational, reasonable and incisive take on reality - although that kind of delusion doesn't last long.

I need to know my therapist is a reliable, safe person with sound judgem

When I go off the rails I'm convinced she is the exact opposite.

without a struggle I would not need T at all

Well, if we didn't do stuff like this we wouldn't need to be in therapy!

That's what I tell myself when I'm too embarassed to face her :oops: .

 

[Abstract]

Do you think it might help to take a step back and write out your feelings and your previous impression of her when you feel she has turned into the devil ;)? Be patient with yourself as all this will take time. I think a big step forward would be to be able to hesitate and consider from the start that your feelings may be to do with self protection rather than so totally believing in her awfulness.

What about writing up who you think she is now and then you can change that as you get to know her better. And looking at that when you feel she is not worthy of trust may help you consider both possibilities.

Or can you think of something else that might help you through it?

Remember it's nothing to be ashamed of at all. It is what it is and it happens for good reason.

 

[Pencil]

And now for the real issue: I've been avoiding the reality that I can't afford therapy. I saw the therapist today and we went over all the stuff from the last session after which I went into a black panic. And so today was the last session until I get back on my feet financially. How to reconcile the dread and the need? How does one live between the fear of attachment and the terror in the face of her disappearance? How in God's name does one manage to survive therapy? And the end of it? The reality is that I do freelance work and have been, since my sister's death in August, not been able to work consistently and without getting lost in my own head and in the past.

 

[JustBe]

So far I've used therapy as a way to hear myself think and get feedback on where my head is at. The validation helps as well.

 

[Pencil]

Everyone sounds so sane about therapy :alien:

 

[safenow]

dissociate; in fact I have often wondered what is means. Would you care to enlighten me?

Hi pencil. When a person has a trauma that is so severe the mind can't handle it, a sort of "fog" happens. it's the mind's way of blocking out that severe pain. That is what mild dissociation is. I have a condition of major dissociation. It used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) now it is called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), that is where a young mind, usually one under 5 years of age, is experiencing such major trauma another personality steps in to try and solve the problem. When that person is not given any support, and has different types of trauma, other personalities develop to handle the problem. Over the life, when other trauma that wasn't experienced as a small child happens, or even just plain bad things happen, because it is so familiar, the mind does it again. Creating even more personalities.

While in PTSD the dissociation is not MPD or DID, it is a part of your mind that experienced trauma as a child trying to come to the surface and help you to heal from that trauma. I hope this makes sense to you.