What Is Therapy For?

[MomOfTwo]

Pencil,
To try and describe dissociation from my perspective here it goes. I realize that now through therapy that I dissociate more than I realize. If I am having a conversation it is difficult for me to follow and I miss large parts of it or I will be talking and forget what I was talking about. I do this in therapy all the time and have thought about asking the therapist about it because she never says anything to me.

As a child I remember thinking I could fly and would see my brothers and sister below me and wondering why they were not flying with me. I would think it was real. I think it was how I survived trauma. I sometimes feel like I am taking up so much space in a room like my body is too big which causes great anxiety.

I also feel like my hands or feet are not attached to me and I miss stepping on stairs sometimes and have fallen. I drop things a lot or break things a lot because I am not aware of where my hands are in space at times. I bump into things a lot and am bruised all over my body. I used to think it was just because I am a clutz but think it is more than that. I have a high pain tolerance as well and as a child would never cry if I had to get stitches or needles or any sort of painful procedure.

I also lose small spaces of time but not days. I told the baby sitter I had to go shopping and she told me I already did but I did not remember doing it and she had to show me the groceries. I think I do it under stressful conditions and it is not something I can control or at least not yet.

I was recently in the hospital because after going for a routine pap the doctor cut me inside and after suffering many days of hemorrhaging went to emergency. I was fighting myself to stay in my body. I felt like my eyes were getting so heavy and I would not be able to stay present. Like they were flickering and my head felt so funny. I tried to explain it to my therapist and she asked me if I felt like I was watching from on the ceiling and I said no.

 

[Pencil]

If I am having a conversation it is difficult for me to follow and I miss large parts of it or I will be talking and forget what I was talking about

a sort of "fog" happens

I relate to these two, but not the rest - so it is clear that I don't. I'm simply lost inside my head and struggle to connect with the world.

 

[Abstract]

Pencil,
I am so sorry. :( That is very unfortunate. I understand that dance between struggling to be functional in order to be able to get help to be more functional. I hope you fund more therapy soon.

I also just wanted to say that maybe you should be proud of the side of you that wants someone to hold and comfort you and to bond with you. I have often heard you speak about being physically and emotionally comforted and how healing that would be for you.

I think it shows a need in you to change the way things are with you. You say you don't have relationships but from that I would say that there is something in you that wants to change that very much. And where there is intent there usually follows results and change.

 

[Abstract]

Oh and disconnection could very well be dissociation (D). There is a whole spectrum of what D entails. Every single one of us dissociates in certain ways as a normal part of life.

Day dreaming and concentrating on something to the extent that we don't notice anything around is are both types of D. Driving from A to B and not remembering is also an example. And maybe just not feeling fully connected with oneself or ones life is a step up the ladder from those. Often that can be linked to levels of anxiety. When it is a problem is when it interferes with our functioning or wellbeing in some way.

 

[Pencil]

side of you that wants someone to hold and comfort you and to bond with you. I have often heard you speak about being physically and emotionally comforted and how healing that would be for you.

But that has never been available, and the literature makes it clear - repeatedly, from what I've read, that if there is too much deficit, therapy can't work. So I feel pretty stuffed. The past 7 months have been horrendous - the journey through 4 therapists - and I can't do this anymore. I don't want to commit suicide, I simply want to die. But thank you for your response, and please stay connected - I feel incredibly alone, as though I'm about to fall between the cracks and disappear.

 

[safenow]

(((( {Pencil )))), you are not alone. I hear you.

I don't want to commit suicide, I simply want to die.

I've felt that way so many times in the past. For me, I found the more I struggle and reach out, the less I feel that way. That doesn't work for all people, but it sure does for me. I reach out to those who are going through what I went through. So it covers a very limit part of the population.

I wish I could offer you some concrete advice, but I can't. Just know that I'm listening and I care.

 

[Pencil]

Thank you Safenow! I have been extremely isolated socially for the last ten years - it is a process that simply happened automatically, and I find it somehow impossible to connect with people socially. Besides, when you connect socially, it is on a very superficial level, and the vast majority of people have no clue regarding trauma and its effects - and so social contact often makes me feel more unfit for human consumption and therefore more isolated and lonely. I do have a few friends, but they don't understand any of this and so I end up listening to their minor gripes about life (and envying them their easy lives). Friendships can't carry the stuff I'm trying to deal with. Being on this site helps, although the complexity of what is going on can't actually be expressed. I feel as though there is too much going on and in the mean time I also have to survive financially and look after my daughter. Thank you once again for your kind response - it helps!

 

[Pencil]

the more I struggle and reach out, the less I feel that way. That doesn't work for all people, but it sure does for me. I reach out to those who are going through what I went through. So it covers a very limit part of the population.

I don't know a single person who has been where I am, or have been most of my life. Obviously there are people, but I've not met them. And here I'm referring to people in my area, not on this forum.

 

[Pencil]

You say you don't have relationships but from that I would say that there is something in you that wants to change that very much. And where there is intent there usually follows results and change.

And that's what I thought I could sort out in therapy, as I'm stuck with so much damage that needs to be sorted out before I can have 'normal' relationships. I'm spinning - it seems as if everything in my life is caught in a double bind: I need support in my life before I can cope with therapy, but I need therapy before I can form those kinds of bonds with people. T2 said she couldn't work with me as therapy would be too destabilizing for me while I have no support structure. I get the impression she was more clued up than the therapist who did take me on as therapy destabilized me to the extent that I went into orbit and stopped being functional enough to earn enough to make a living. So now I'm stuck with all the stuff from the past, as well as a financial crisis, and not being able to afford therapy.

All my life I've wanted closer bonds with people, but I've never been able to form it. Moreover, I seem to be a poster girl for repetition compulsion - I used to stagger from one abusive and traumatizing relationship to the next, until I drifted off on my raft ten years ago as I could no longer bear the mess. When my sister died I somehow desperately wanted to get back to the mainland, but even my attempts at getting myself sorted out in therapy have been less than comforting (with three therapists who wouldn't take me on). I've also had difficulties with the fourth one, and at first I was convinced that the fault lay in me. And so I'm back on the raft, and

I look at the past 8 months, which was actually traumatizing. I'm so caught between wanting to move forward, and reading that the kind of deprivation I went through makes therapy impossible, unless those needs are dealt with first (and wondering how that is done). I often experienced the therapist's digging simply too painful. I tell myself it's nonsense, that I'm simply being difficult and feeling sorry for myself, but everything points in that direction, and I don't which way to go.

After this bout of therapy I feel as though I was holding onto a sharp blade. If only I knew what was going on - did she do something wrong, am I just full of crap, am I too messed up for therapy? I know there are people who will tell me that one can't hold onto a therapist or therapy, but that opens another problem - if you need to hold onto something and there is nothing, you will inevitable hold onto therapy/the therapist. So, if that's not a good idea, then therapy has to be stopped. I'm so confused by all of this.

I did discuss the issue of 'befriending the pain of unmet needs' with the therapist. She said she meant I could talk about it in therapy - but she never said that and how the hell am I supposed to know that is what she meant if she never said it? And besides, talking about it hurts like hell, at this point I need ignore it in order to get through the day. I can't wallow in it and then walk out of there and carry on with my life and all its demands. And that is why I keep wondering what therapy is for. So many people say they want 'tools' from therapy. OMG, I'm so far from handling and using any tool, emotionally I'm absolutely in survival mode.

I know this is incoherent, and I can't say what I want to say. I wish I could just slap myself out of this mental state!

 

[Pencil]

I also just wanted to say that maybe you should be proud of the side of you that wants someone to hold and comfort you and to bond with you.

But this is considered an infantile fixation. I've wanted this all my life, since I was small, but have never been able to get it. I've also tried everything in my power to get rid of this need, but that seems impossible. It seems that something went wrong with my wiring, that this got fused into a mess in my head or somewhere - I've even wondered if shock therapy would blast it out of my system. In the literature a distinction is made between a wish and a need. It seems that needs have to be met. Then how, where. when, who? :banghead:

 

[safenow]

am I too messed up for therapy? I

Pencil, if you allow it, i'm sending you a safe, gentle hug. and if it's okay, may I brush your hair while we talk?

May I suggest you start a dairy here. Just write down your feelings, you don't need to get overwhelmed, just state what is going on. I'm here to tell you that not all therapists know what they are doing. They only know what they have trained to say under certain circumstances. It takes years and years of working with all sorts of people before they even get a clue on how to tune in on a person under such conditions as yours.

Once you get better, I hope you'll forgive them. They are not this way on purpose. It's just the nature of the beast.

What the hell is this, "befriend the pain of unmet needs" crap? Why can't she just tell you in English or your (native tongue) that life sucks and you can't change that, but you can move past it. There are techniques to living in spite of what is going on. and it is her job to teach you those skills. NOT confuse you and make you feel stupid. Shame on her and all therapists that don't get that.

You said, "I know this is incoherent, and I can't say what I want to say. I wish I could just slap myself out of this mental state!" Slapping yourself won't help. I know, cause I've tried that. LOL.

In the first place, it is not incoherent. It is reasonable to feel the way you do. You don't need a therapist at this point. You need to practice some life skills. Now remember, this is only my opinion. I am not a doctor nor a therapist. I am just an old lady who has lived 65 years in and out of hell. And I'm here to tell you things can get better. I have had good therapists and bad therapists. The bad can make you so much worse and make it take years and years to heal rather than just one year. The good are worth their weight in gold. They teach you skills, then ask you to practice them. When you find out which ones work for you, then they allow you to live your life and only contact them when you have a question.When you need to talk, they will be there for you. When you need to live, they leave you alone.

*puts brush down and sits across from Pencil*. Girl, you need to wash your face, and turn on some soft music or if you have a good movie sit down and watch it til you have rested. Then, when you've rested try fixing yourself a snack of protein and a carb. For example a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of orange juice or other fruit juice. Or a turkey sandwich and a glass of milk. Just a light protein based snack.Don't load it up with mayonnaise and mustard or butter, and lettuce and all that other stuff. Just keep it very simple. One slice of bread and the filling.

Then, open some windows and get some fresh air circulating in our home. Breathe it in and look outside at what's out there. The sky (it doesn't matter if it raining or snowing or sunny or nighttime.) Really look at it. Don't just say "oh I see a star" but really look at it, while breathing in that good fresh air. Are there trees out there? Have you ever hugged a tree? Have you ever smelled a tree? They are good indicators of how the world is around where you live. If that tree smells like dust, then get out your hose and water it. Trees can talk to you, when you learn how to listen.

Are there birds out there? Can you hear them talking? Allow the sounds of them to replenish your soul. Do you have a patio to sit on or a porch? if you do, go out there and bring a chair. Or if you have a chair out there, turn it upside down and beat it to get all the dust off it. Then sit down and just notice everything that is around you.

I lived outside for a little over a year and a half when I was a small child. I learned to listen to nature and found out it is very healing. Try it, you might find it's better than that therapist. While I lived among the animals I had no fear or terror. They took good care of me. I ate fresh fruit and vegetables that grow wild. I had snuggles every single day from those creatures who loved me. That was the best time in my entire life. I didn't have to worry about clothing (which you will) nor chores, nor humans yelling nor beating me. I got to a point where I wasn't looking over my shoulder for bad things to come.Peace can really be very healing, which is why I used to go to the mountains and backpack into the wild for at a week or two every year. But since I've been physically sick, I haven't been able to do that. Which explains why I got so sick in the first place. I was people polluted.

Take good care,
Your friend, safenow

 

[Pencil]

And maybe just not feeling fully connected with oneself or ones life is a step up the ladder from those. Often that can be linked to levels of anxiety. When it is a problem is when it interferes with our functioning or wellbeing in some way.

Oh, yes!