We had to talk through the evil parts. It usually turned out to be my perceptions. He is very kind. It took a couple of sessions to go back to the level of trust, but that level was higher after that, because I knew I could talk to him about it. Once I even clarified what he was saying before I got mad. I realized what I was doing was a symptom, and that's how he saw it. I was only hurting myself by doing that and not talking to him.
It is not your fault vs therapist fault, it is just a symptom of the PTSD. As you go through therapy and learn to trust, it will happen less and less. The important part is to keep going. Just go. That's how I get through. I just get in my car and go no matter how I feel. It isn't easy. It is the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. I promised myself I would not quit. I've quit about 10 times, but I always go back within a week. The first part of trauma therapy is to establish trust and learn skills. This part took a year for me and I am still learning. I feel so much better but I still have so far to go.
